Donating our embryos through an open placement -- AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you seem very attached to these embryos.

OP here.

The embryos are tremendously valuable to us. From a financial perspective, we poured tons of cash and time into their creation. And from an emotional perspective, the embryos represent hope and love.

We have no further use for them, but given their enormous value, we couldn't stomach letting them go to waste.

Our decision fits with our personal story. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

How would you feel if the children born of the donated embryos do so much better in life (however you define that) than your own children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you feel if the children born of the donated embryos do so much better in life (however you define that) than your own children?

In a similar vein, how would you feel to discover that the parents of the children born of the donated embryos parent in a way that is completely different (maybe even anathema) than you? For example, if you don't spank but they do?

[Anonymous]

What if your donated embryo children grow up and are jealous of the children that you raised yourself? Or wished they had grown up with their older siblings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you seem very attached to these embryos.

OP here.

The embryos are tremendously valuable to us. From a financial perspective, we poured tons of cash and time into their creation. And from an emotional perspective, the embryos represent hope and love.

We have no further use for them, but given their enormous value, we couldn't stomach letting them go to waste.

Our decision fits with our personal story. YMMV.

sure, but you keep referring to them as siblings of your children. but they are not really siblings.

[Anonymous]

If the adopting family has, say 2 children and wants to stop, do they also have to approve any further adoptive families for the rest of the blastocysts?

[Anonymous]

How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would you feel if the children born of the donated embryos do so much better in life (however you define that) than your own children?

OP here.

My husband and I have discussed this issue a few times because it's a real possibility. The adopting parents have impressive backgrounds -- a STEM PhD and a financial services attorney -- and there's a real chance that their kids will be better off financially and have more opportunities than our own. My husband and I are both full-time professionals. However, there's a good chance that our HHI will always be lower than the adopting parents.

I don't begrudge these people their substantial income, nor would I do so for any future kids. We might feel occasional stabs of jealousy. But we'll just have to get over that.

As long as our kids feel loved and properly provided for, my husband and I will feel that we are giving them the best that we can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would you feel if the children born of the donated embryos do so much better in life (however you define that) than your own children?

In a similar vein, how would you feel to discover that the parents of the children born of the donated embryos parent in a way that is completely different (maybe even anathema) than you? For example, if you don't spank but they do?

OP here.

As long as the children are healthy and happy, the parenting style really isn't any of my business. I do not want to raise any additional children.

If the children are in a dangerous situation, that circumstance would be deeply upsetting, and I'd report it, the same way I would for any child who I knew was at risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if your donated embryo children grow up and are jealous of the children that you raised yourself? Or wished they had grown up with their older siblings?

OP here.

Jealousy among the donated children is possible. I can only hope that their upbringing and personalities lead them away from experiencing serious bouts of jealousy.

We're also hoping that an open adoption will give the kids a chance to spend time together -- perhaps substantial amounts of time -- if that's what they all want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you seem very attached to these embryos.

OP here.

The embryos are tremendously valuable to us. From a financial perspective, we poured tons of cash and time into their creation. And from an emotional perspective, the embryos represent hope and love.

We have no further use for them, but given their enormous value, we couldn't stomach letting them go to waste.

Our decision fits with our personal story. YMMV.

sure, but you keep referring to them as siblings of your children. but they are not really siblings.

OP here.

Truthfully, this arrangement brings us into uncharted territory, and we don't have the exact right words to describe the relationship.

The children would not live in the same household, and in that way will miss a common sibling experience that creates bonds.

However, their biological connections are important enough to my family and the adopting family that we both want the kids to at least have the option of forming friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the adopting family has, say 2 children and wants to stop, do they also have to approve any further adoptive families for the rest of the blastocysts?

OP here.

The adoption agency's contract calls for the return of any unused embryos to my family. I'm hoping that the adopting family eventually uses them all. Otherwise, we need to match with a new family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

I did not write this question but it does not seem far-fetched to me that a child could wonder why wasn't s/he wanted by his own parents. Does not seem troll-like in the least. Hopefully the kids would not think that way, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

I did not write this question but it does not seem far-fetched to me that a child could wonder why wasn't s/he wanted by his own parents. Does not seem troll-like in the least. Hopefully the kids would not think that way, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

I wrote that question. Not a troll at all. I have embryos myself in storage. If you haven't considered this question, you should.