Donating our embryos through an open placement -- AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

I did not write this question but it does not seem far-fetched to me that a child could wonder why wasn't s/he wanted by his own parents. Does not seem troll-like in the least. Hopefully the kids would not think that way, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

I wrote that question. Not a troll at all. I have embryos myself in storage. If you haven't considered this question, you should.

OP here.

Since you say you're sincere, I'll take your question at face value.

We thought about this issue, and didn't weigh it heavily. We guessed that any trauma would likely be minor, if existent at all. We are OK with creating a bit of trauma if it means that a kid gets to live and the adopting family gets to become parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

I did not write this question but it does not seem far-fetched to me that a child could wonder why wasn't s/he wanted by his own parents. Does not seem troll-like in the least. Hopefully the kids would not think that way, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

I wrote that question. Not a troll at all. I have embryos myself in storage. If you haven't considered this question, you should.

OP here.

Since you say you're sincere, I'll take your question at face value.

We thought about this issue, and didn't weigh it heavily. We guessed that any trauma would likely be minor, if existent at all. We are OK with creating a bit of trauma if it means that a kid gets to live and the adopting family gets to become parents.

Thank you. I am sincere. I personally could not deal with my biological offspring out there being raised by someone else and potentially asking me why I gave her/him away. But that's me. We will either donate to science or do compassionate transfer.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say thank you for doing this AMA, OP. I'm the aunt of two donated embryos/now children and their family is so happy and they maintain what seems to be a perfect-for-this-situation relationship with the donor parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just wanted to say thank you for doing this AMA, OP. I'm the aunt of two donated embryos/now children and their family is so happy and they maintain what seems to be a perfect-for-this-situation relationship with the donor parents.

What's the relationship like? How often are they in contact?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

I did not write this question but it does not seem far-fetched to me that a child could wonder why wasn't s/he wanted by his own parents. Does not seem troll-like in the least. Hopefully the kids would not think that way, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

I wrote that question. Not a troll at all. I have embryos myself in storage. If you haven't considered this question, you should.

OP here.

Since you say you're sincere, I'll take your question at face value.

We thought about this issue, and didn't weigh it heavily. We guessed that any trauma would likely be minor, if existent at all. We are OK with creating a bit of trauma if it means that a kid gets to live and the adopting family gets to become parents.

You seem very naive about adoption and it's affect on the adoptee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

I did not write this question but it does not seem far-fetched to me that a child could wonder why wasn't s/he wanted by his own parents. Does not seem troll-like in the least. Hopefully the kids would not think that way, but it's certainly within the realm of possibility.

I wrote that question. Not a troll at all. I have embryos myself in storage. If you haven't considered this question, you should.

OP here.

Since you say you're sincere, I'll take your question at face value.

We thought about this issue, and didn't weigh it heavily. We guessed that any trauma would likely be minor, if existent at all. We are OK with creating a bit of trauma if it means that a kid gets to live and the adopting family gets to become parents.

You seem very naive about adoption and it's affect on the adoptee.

OP here.

You may be right. I'll report back in five or so years and let you know how the kid is doing. Fingers crossed!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure whether anyone is curious, but I'm happy to answer questions about our experience donating embryos through an open-placement process.

We were incredibly lucky and got three kids from IVF. Now we are donating our "extra" embryos -- six high quality blastocysts -- to another family.

The clinic we're working with submitted families for our consideration. We chose one, and that family liked us back. If any babies are born, we will be in annual contact with the adopting family until any offspring are 18.

We told my MIL about the embryo donation, and her mind was blown. So that got me thinking that maybe others would have questions about the process and/or our thinking about the whole thing.

What if the children resulting from these embryos are emotionally or physically abused? Either by a member of adopting family or someone else? High HHI or education of the family you picked does not guarantee absence of abuse. Have you considered it, and if so, what was your conclusion?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the adopting family has, say 2 children and wants to stop, do they also have to approve any further adoptive families for the rest of the blastocysts?

OP here.

The adoption agency's contract calls for the return of any unused embryos to my family. I'm hoping that the adopting family eventually uses them all. Otherwise, we need to match with a new family.

Whoa. This blows my mind that there potentially could be more than one family out there with your donated embryos.

[Anonymous]

Though similar to egg or sperm donation, these embryos have full siblings. The thing that gives me hope you are right about it being minimally traumatic is that it is completely open. Maybe it will be more like distant but double+ cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure whether anyone is curious, but I'm happy to answer questions about our experience donating embryos through an open-placement process.

We were incredibly lucky and got three kids from IVF. Now we are donating our "extra" embryos -- six high quality blastocysts -- to another family.

The clinic we're working with submitted families for our consideration. We chose one, and that family liked us back. If any babies are born, we will be in annual contact with the adopting family until any offspring are 18.

We told my MIL about the embryo donation, and her mind was blown. So that got me thinking that maybe others would have questions about the process and/or our thinking about the whole thing.

What if the children resulting from these embryos are emotionally or physically abused? Either by a member of adopting family or someone else? High HHI or education of the family you picked does not guarantee absence of abuse. Have you considered it, and if so, what was your conclusion?

OP here.

Yes, we considered this situation. If we become aware of any abuse, we would report it, as we would do for any child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the adopting family has, say 2 children and wants to stop, do they also have to approve any further adoptive families for the rest of the blastocysts?

OP here.

The adoption agency's contract calls for the return of any unused embryos to my family. I'm hoping that the adopting family eventually uses them all. Otherwise, we need to match with a new family.

Whoa. This blows my mind that there potentially could be more than one family out there with your donated embryos.

OP here.

For us, that would be a sub-optimal outcome. We're hoping that just the one family uses the embryos. We think that's the most realistic possibility given the success/failure rate of embryos and the finite number we're donating.

But we are certainly taking a risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Though similar to egg or sperm donation, these embryos have full siblings. The thing that gives me hope you are right about it being minimally traumatic is that it is completely open. Maybe it will be more like distant but double+ cousins.

OP here.

Our hope is that everyone gets along, and that the kids become friends and support each other as they grow older.

Things might not work out that way. But that's true for all kinds of families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you feel about the fact that you are likely creating a trauma for any kids that result from this "donation"? Any adoption, no matter how loving and secure, is a trauma for the child, knowing that his/her bio parents couldn't or wouldn't take care of him.

OP here.

Is this a serious question? Seems kinda troll-like.

OP did you research adoption at all before you did this?

OP here.

I researched adoption a bit, but only some of the issues overlap with embryo donation. Much of what's out there about baby adoption is somewhat off for this particular type of arrangement.

The agency provides a thorough set of FAQs for both the donors and adopters, and we read all of that info.

Here are two tremendous differences between baby adoption and embryo donation:

1. Our embryos aren't babies.
2. I won't carry the embryo until it becomes a baby.

I imagine that any future child will take heart in knowing that my husband and I didn't place him/her up for adoption. Rather, we're giving embryos a chance at becoming a baby.

I'm truly just a cell donor. The adopting mother will not only raise the child, by gestating a baby she will also create a biological link to the child. New-ish research shows that a gestational mother's DNA influences a baby's genes. Isn't that amazing!

OP, I'm the person who asked the top question again. I'm honestly having a hard time understanding why not being the person carrying these embryos to term changes anything about the fact that this is an adoption with almost all the concerns that any adoption would entail.

I'm not criticizing your decision to donate. I'm just trying to understand the thought process and really contemplate all the potential reactions and responses from the adoptees. Just because you consider yourself just a cell donor doesn't mean that these potential kids will see it that way or not have conflicting feelings about the situation. So that's the genesis of my questions on this issue, because I've spent many hours thinking about it.