Spinoff - Kids invited to everything but the reception

[Anonymous]

I’d probably go and send my husband to the reception while the kids and I did something fun.

Is the couple planning to have kids as far as you know? They’ll probably feel like real a-holes once (if) they do.

[Anonymous]

You know what? It’s months in advance so I imagine you can easily cancel the hotel. Did you already buy flights? Even if you did, there’s still enough time to change them without losing much money.

Send DH alone and use the rest of the money to go on a real vacation this year.

Your kids are definitely old enough to know what weddings entail. You are all sacrificing to attend a wedding where your kids aren’t truly wanted. At 10 your daughter is old enough to have friends who have attended weddings if she hasn’t gone to them herself. She will 100% know that her uncle slighted her and it will sting.

Don’t ask your kids to give up a summer vacation, skip school, sit through all the boring stuff just to realize they’re not important enough to come to the party.

[Anonymous]

You have the kids stay home now and you're going to be seen as petty AF and cause issues.

Seen that scenario in my family.

Kids were asked to be in the wedding, dresses were purchased, tickets were bought, and then it came out that kids wouldn't be allowed at the reception. The parents threw a fit and refused to come because like in your case, it was a destination wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. A couple of clarifications -- money is definitely NOT the reason they aren't invited. The marginal difference for this couple of a few extra dinners is nothing relative to the cost of this event. They might be short on space, and I can certainly understand if they don't want to use a "seat" for a kid.... which was part of my thought process in asking for the kids to pop in for an hour. The trip is not a financial hardship for us but is a big piece of our budget -- we are doing a summer staycation to accommodate the expense. Which is fine -- I have no grievance with that -- I just feel like my kids (older ones really) should get to see the couple's first dance, dance a little themselves, and have the experience of the celebration after taking part in the ceremony and posing for family pictures.

I agree with you, op. I don’t understand how people exclude close family from family events like weddings, but I’m not sure there’s much you can do. Make the note room as fun as possible or take them out separately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, nobody else is bringing children at all, correct? I can see your BIL's side of this. He envisions the reception as an adults only celebration, drinking, dancing etc. and not really suitable for kids. It feels like a personal slight to you because your kids are the only ones attending and so are the only ones disinvited from the reception, but I doubt that is the way it was intended. It sounds like he has made a pretty good effort to include your kids and just wants the one thing to be adults only.

So then BIL should just hire some cute flower girls. You can't ask kids to be in the wedding and then not special.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Very rude to ask your kids to be in the wedding and then not allow them at the reception. I realize this would upset people, but I would send my DH (I am assuming he is the brother of the groom) and I would stay home with the children. Strange babysitters would have been my first problem. I am sorry about your MIL, but that doesn't sway my opinion of this situation.

This is what I would say as well. Their desire to have it both ways is incredibly rude. You offered a great compromise. I’d be pissed off too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thanks for all the replies. A couple of clarifications -- money is definitely NOT the reason they aren't invited. The marginal difference for this couple of a few extra dinners is nothing relative to the cost of this event. They might be short on space, and I can certainly understand if they don't want to use a "seat" for a kid.... which was part of my thought process in asking for the kids to pop in for an hour. The trip is not a financial hardship for us but is a big piece of our budget -- we are doing a summer staycation to accommodate the expense. Which is fine -- I have no grievance with that -- I just feel like my kids (older ones really) should get to see the couple's first dance, dance a little themselves, and have the experience of the celebration after taking part in the ceremony and posing for family pictures.

It doesn't matter what you feel they should get to do. It's not your wedding. Get remarried so they can see those things, and you can invite all the kids you want to watch you dance.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't shell out all that money and schelp my 3 kids to some destination so they can be treated as props. No way. I'd cancel. DH can go if he wants.

[Anonymous]

DH goes to the wedding. You and the kids stay home and do something fun instead. You save much of the 6K you would have otherwise spent.

[Anonymous]

I would purposely throw family focused kids birthday parties for the next year and invite everyone exceptmthe bride and groom and feign forgetfulness or the excuse thst these are kid friendly events and they either have no kids or we didn't thinknthrybwould be interested. You have to go to the wedding now because you have already rsvp'd. Ok would get the kids out quickly after the ceremony so they don't have to participate on pictures. I'm petty.

[Anonymous]

Do they plan on doing child innapropriate things at this reception? Ie music filled with curse words, overly drunk?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Very rude to ask your kids to be in the wedding and then not allow them at the reception. I realize this would upset people, but I would send my DH (I am assuming he is the brother of the groom) and I would stay home with the children. Strange babysitters would have been my first problem. I am sorry about your MIL, but that doesn't sway my opinion of this situation.

+1
I can't believe they expect your kids to be decorations for the wedding but then they can't go to the party. I seriously would consider pulling them out of the wedding because of this. Normally, I understand when couples don't want kids at their weddings, but to expect them in the wedding and not at the reception is really rude.

+2 and normally I am one who thinks people should do as they want - but that is just insane.

My 7 and 8 year old daughters were in a wedding last year where the bride's family has TONS of kids (ranging from ages 3-14) who were also invited to the wedding but not reception. Basically, it was explained to us that she wanted to invite ours to also attend reception, but inviting our girls and not the rest of the (16 other) kids who were actually family members would be seen as a slight. And they really didn't want the reception turning into a kid dance party. Totally get it. But it was still awkward. We came in from out of state (wouldn't have missed it) and had to find a babysitter to stay with our flower girls during the reception. This was explained about 3 months in advance...but still felt disappointing and strange. But also, even more awkward was the number of wedding guests who approached my DH and me at the reception and asked "so where are the little flower girls?" --and the looks on their faces when I explained that the bride and groom preferred to have an adults-only reception. I did my best to "defend" the choice ("well...you know...if they invited our girls, they couldn't very well exclude the little cousins"), but the response (many, many times) was "but they were IN the wedding!!"
By the end of the night, I was pretty well convinced that I wasn't the only one to think it strange for the bride/groom to have asked our girls to be in the wedding and disappear for the reception.
That said, they loved being in the wedding. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a grand disappointment for them to miss out on the celebration afterward.

[Anonymous]

I would just bring my kids down at some point when the bride and groom are too tied up with other guests to notice. Let them dance and have a piece of cake and bring them back upstairs. Its bull to exclude members of the wedding party.

At my wedding, my mother-in-law ditched the agreed upon color scheme for her dress so she would stand out from my mother and DH's step mother.
Mt SIL took her kids who were my flower girl and ring bearer and left for the reception because she didn't feel like 4 and 6 year olds were appropriate wedding guests. She self selected. They were invited. Other kids were there including BIL's 2 year old.
People do what they want and apologize later, or not. And, life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Could you get DH & BIL's mom to ask/intervene? Just give it one more shot? Maybe she could say it would be sweet for the older girls to come for a little bit? I wouldn't normally involve another person but she might be more persuasive than your DH.

[Anonymous]

Sigh. I've never understood people who had weddings without inviting kids. In your shoes, I would ask my husband to talk to his brother again and explain that the girls are older than their cousins and that it's unfair to ask them to behave and be decorative at all the events but not invite them to the party.

And then you decide what you want to do.