Spinoff - Kids invited to everything but the reception

[Anonymous]

We are planning to attend my BIL's wedding. It is a destination wedding during the school year at an extremely expensive resort. Between plane tickets, hotel room, rental car I'm guessing we will spend a minimum of $6k to be at this event. My girls will be 10, 6, and 3. We love this BIL and fiance, and there has been a lot of discussion of what my girls will wear as flower girls, etc. It is a multi-day event with dinners Thursday and Friday, then the wedding and reception on Saturday. They are paying for it themselves and my guess is the cost will be in the hundreds of thousands (and they have it no problem). My annoyance is coming because I was just told my kids are invited to everything BUT the reception. So, they are invited to sit through the rehearsal and dinner (boring for kids), and to be present in expensive clothes (bought by me) for the ceremony, but they aren't invited to the reception. My husband kind of asked his brother if the kids could just pop in for an hour to dance and have a piece of cake, and I guess the answer is no. We were planning to have a sitter for the evening anyway, because the kids wouldn't stay for long even if they were invited (especially the 3yo), but now I'm frustrated. My older two kids were SO looking forward to this family celebration. I'm not sure I feel like shelling out this huge amount of $$ to have them disappointed in essentially being asked to look nice and behave for an hour and then go up and watch tv in the hotel room. We could leave them home, but that presents logistical problems of its own (hiring an overnight sitter for 3-4 days won't be cheap either). I do really like these people and want to show up for them, especially because my MIL died this year and it's been rough on everyone, but it seems really crappy to ask your nieces to participate in a destination wedding but not allow them to be part of the celebration. The other nieces/nephews in the equation are staying home, but they are all pre-school aged and younger, so it's kind of a different calculation.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure someone will pop in to say that people are allowed to have the weddings they want, and if you don't like it, you can decline.

Which may be true, but it would piss me off too. 10 and 6 are old enough to be well-behaved, and it seems really stingy not allow them to stay for an hour and have cake -- which seems like a nice compromise.

[Anonymous]

So, nobody else is bringing children at all, correct? I can see your BIL's side of this. He envisions the reception as an adults only celebration, drinking, dancing etc. and not really suitable for kids. It feels like a personal slight to you because your kids are the only ones attending and so are the only ones disinvited from the reception, but I doubt that is the way it was intended. It sounds like he has made a pretty good effort to include your kids and just wants the one thing to be adults only.

[Anonymous]

I do think the bride and groom can set a no kids rule and everyone else should accept that and not complain about it. BUT I don’t think Brides and Grooms can have it both ways. You don’t invite kids to be part of the ceremony so that you have your perfect set of attendants and cute pics - and then exclude them from the reception. If the kids are part of the wedding party they should be invited to the reception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think the bride and groom can set a no kids rule and everyone else should accept that and not complain about it. BUT I don’t think Brides and Grooms can have it both ways. You don’t invite kids to be part of the ceremony so that you have your perfect set of attendants and cute pics - and then exclude them from the reception. If the kids are part of the wedding party they should be invited to the reception.

Seriously, skip the wedding.

[Anonymous]

Whose more important- your children or BIL?
If they don’t want your children, they don’t want you either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whose more important- your children or BIL?
If they don’t want your children, they don’t want you either.

I apologize, auto-correct: Who’s more important...

[Anonymous]

Wow. Very rude to ask your kids to be in the wedding and then not allow them at the reception. I realize this would upset people, but I would send my DH (I am assuming he is the brother of the groom) and I would stay home with the children. Strange babysitters would have been my first problem. I am sorry about your MIL, but that doesn't sway my opinion of this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do think the bride and groom can set a no kids rule and everyone else should accept that and not complain about it. BUT I don’t think Brides and Grooms can have it both ways. You don’t invite kids to be part of the ceremony so that you have your perfect set of attendants and cute pics - and then exclude them from the reception. If the kids are part of the wedding party they should be invited to the reception.

+ a million

I may be the PP in the other thread whose brother and SIL did exactly this--wanted my son to be their ring bearer, and me to be MOH, but did not allow my son, or our infant twins, at their reception (I was told this AFTER throwing them a very expensive engagment party and bridal shower and buying a dress that cost close to $500, btw). It was a huge pain in the ass for us and if I had to do it over again, I would have declined the offer to be in the wedding and our family would have skipped the whole thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, nobody else is bringing children at all, correct? I can see your BIL's side of this. He envisions the reception as an adults only celebration, drinking, dancing etc. and not really suitable for kids. It feels like a personal slight to you because your kids are the only ones attending and so are the only ones disinvited from the reception, but I doubt that is the way it was intended. It sounds like he has made a pretty good effort to include your kids and just wants the one thing to be adults only.

Agree.

There is nothing wrong from structuring the events as they see fit. There is also nothing wrong with you declining to attend which is really your only other option. Kids do not need to be included in everything and you need only tell your children that it is an adult party and you will bring them a piece of cake. The End.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Very rude to ask your kids to be in the wedding and then not allow them at the reception. I realize this would upset people, but I would send my DH (I am assuming he is the brother of the groom) and I would stay home with the children. Strange babysitters would have been my first problem. I am sorry about your MIL, but that doesn't sway my opinion of this situation.

+1
I can't believe they expect your kids to be decorations for the wedding but then they can't go to the party. I seriously would consider pulling them out of the wedding because of this. Normally, I understand when couples don't want kids at their weddings, but to expect them in the wedding and not at the reception is really rude.

[Anonymous]

OP I would be pissed as hell as well. That's insane. There is no reason why they couldn't be at the reception for an hour or so. I would think the older kids will be incredibly hurt.

Now then, what to do about it. Your choices are:
1) Have the kids skip the whole thing and just stay home
2) Suck it up and just do what is asked
3) All of you skip wedding all together
4) Press bride and groom to include kids in reception

I think you wind up with the least amount of drama by just sucking it up, sadly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Very rude to ask your kids to be in the wedding and then not allow them at the reception. I realize this would upset people, but I would send my DH (I am assuming he is the brother of the groom) and I would stay home with the children. Strange babysitters would have been my first problem. I am sorry about your MIL, but that doesn't sway my opinion of this situation.

+1
I can't believe they expect your kids to be decorations for the wedding but then they can't go to the party. I seriously would consider pulling them out of the wedding because of this. Normally, I understand when couples don't want kids at their weddings, but to expect them in the wedding and not at the reception is really rude.

+2 and normally I am one who thinks people should do as they want - but that is just insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Very rude to ask your kids to be in the wedding and then not allow them at the reception. I realize this would upset people, but I would send my DH (I am assuming he is the brother of the groom) and I would stay home with the children. Strange babysitters would have been my first problem. I am sorry about your MIL, but that doesn't sway my opinion of this situation.

+1
I can't believe they expect your kids to be decorations for the wedding but then they can't go to the party. I seriously would consider pulling them out of the wedding because of this. Normally, I understand when couples don't want kids at their weddings, but to expect them in the wedding and not at the reception is really rude.

+2 and normally I am one who thinks people should do as they want - but that is just insane.

+3 me too. But this sounds like the bride and groom are really just thinking of the photos and not much else.

[Anonymous]

Oh, that stinks, OP. Sorry. You say that they are paying for it themselves so it sounds like money might be an issue. Is there anyway you could volunteer to pay the food cost for the oldest two? When your DH asks, be sure he says that they will be with the sitter most of the time but that you want to run up and get them to come dance and have cake for an hour or so.