Spinoff - Kids invited to everything but the reception

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who is the sitter you are having? I think that can be a big part of your excuse. If you have to bring the kids, pay for clothing, and then get an unfamiliar sitter then I would totally have no issue saying it won’t work logistically or financially to bring them. Say that you will not have a trusted sitter so one of you will have to miss the reception anyway. If your kids are fine to stay with a resort sitter (mine would absolutely not at that age) then I think you need to determine if its still financially worthwhile to all go.

Brides and grooms are often not aware/sensitive to all the details that eveyone else has to account for. Which I totally get - they are aiming for their own dream wedding, but sometimes they’re oblivious to what others have to do to make that happen for them. Toss in a destination and it can be misery. (I’m still bitter about having to take my teens out of school, miss important personal/academic things, and spring for a Mexican vacation we did not ever want just for SIL’s showoff wedding. And she was just bitter that not enough people came and it rained nearly the whole time. So much for the dream wedding!)

OP had already planned on a sitter for the kids prior to finding out they couldn’t attend any part of the reception. So your sitter excuse doesn’t fly with her statements in her OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think the bride and groom can set a no kids rule and everyone else should accept that and not complain about it. BUT I don’t think Brides and Grooms can have it both ways. You don’t invite kids to be part of the ceremony so that you have your perfect set of attendants and cute pics - and then exclude them from the reception. If the kids are part of the wedding party they should be invited to the reception.

Seriously, skip the wedding.

Normally I defend the whole no kids at weddings thing if it's what the bride & groom want, but this is different. I think that members of the wedding party should be allowed at the reception. It's super stinky to exclude them in this case.

I don't know what I'd do in your shoes... probably try another gentle conversation with the sibling and ask him to put himself in your shoes? In the end it is, of course, their wedding and they can do as they wish re: guest list, but as you pointed out it's also a huge ask for your family to attend and participate. While it's their prerogative, it's also not great hospitality to leave members of their wedding party hanging. But you also have the rest of your life in a relationship with these people and not attending a wedding would likely affect it.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure BIL is only including your kids to be nice. Be thankful that he thinks nicely enough to include them in HIS big day. No reason to feel miffed that he didn’t invite them to the reception. Don’t look for reasons to be annoyed. Change your vision and be thankful for the kind gesture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A multi day wedding? I would have declined based on that alone.

OP do you actually want to go to the reception?

My kids even at 10 would have been over the whole wedding thing after all of that.

The late notice on kid free reception would bother me. If you had known from day one you could have made the appropriate decision., like not having the kids involved at all.

Now I think you just deal with it somehow. Send DH on his own maybe for the reception.

Do not sneak cake to your kids. Tell the happy couple you're taking some. Don't ask.

Disappointed kids don't have much choice but to be sad and then get over it. It really isn't about them.

Kind of a crappy situation that could have been avoided by the bride and groom being up front from day one.

All weddings have a dinner hosted by the grooms family 2 days before wedding, rehearsal dinner day before wedding, actual wedding, brunch day after. NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Totally rude to have them in the wedding and not in the reception. Definitely being used as props (unless OP guilted the BIL into having them in the wedding).

2. Totally rude for you to sneak them into the reception. BIL has denied your request. You must follow.

3. Why is everyone all worried about the absolute disappointment a 6 and 10 year old will have by missing the reception? Seriously? Life has disappointments. This is a minor one. They'll get over it.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think the bride and groom can set a no kids rule and everyone else should accept that and not complain about it. BUT I don’t think Brides and Grooms can have it both ways. You don’t invite kids to be part of the ceremony so that you have your perfect set of attendants and cute pics - and then exclude them from the reception. If the kids are part of the wedding party they should be invited to the reception.

Seriously, skip the wedding.

This. If you want no kids, fine, but kids aren't props. If they are part of the wedding, they should be invited to the reception.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. It is objectively rude to exclude members of the wedding party from the reception. Doesn't matter what age they are. It's a huge breach of etiquette.

2. A 10 and 6 year old will know what they're missing out on and be hurt. They are absolutely old enough to behave through dinner and a few dances. The 3 year old may be too - depending on her temperament. My daughter was a flower girl at 2 and was fine. Sat nicely through dinner, twirled around on the dance floor for 2 songs, then we left.

3. How you proceed is up to you and your DH. Personally, I'm not so wealthy that I would spend $6000 to get my kids' feeling hurt. But, if you think you'll otherwise all have a good time at this resort, there's certainly a good argument to be made for keeping fill peace.

This is where my analysis starts and stops. If someone is in the wedding party, they are invited to the reception. Period.

[Anonymous]

OP, just have your husband talk to his brother and say that your whole family is looking forward to the celebration and that your kids will be perfectly fine for an hour or so. And the older kids especially would like to dance be part of the party. It's very reasonable and appropriate.

As a data point, my oldest daughter (5 at the time) was a flower girl for a super fancy destination summer wedding for a cousin. It was at a fancy hotel, ceremony and reception all there. She did all the pre-wedding stuff with my mom/gramdma (so younger two kids were not involved), rehearsal dinner, hair and makeup, etc. For the actual wedding, we had a local babysitter in our room who stayed with the baby for the outdoor ceremony (2.5 year old middle came to that) and then we brought the 2.5 year old to the room with the (adult-teacher during the school year) babysitter (other family member's kids hung out there too).
5 year old did all the post ceremony photos, ate some appetizers at the cocktail hour, drank a shirley temple, stayed for the beginning of the reception, danced a little and then had enough-said she was tired and wanted to go to the room. So we took her to the babysitter.

[Anonymous]

If your kids are *in* the wedding as flower girls, completely inappropriate to disinvite them from the reception.

I would take the high road, cooperate, don't say anything, but you can know that you are right in your feelings and they are wrong in what they are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are *in* the wedding as flower girls, completely inappropriate to disinvite them from the reception.

I would take the high road, cooperate, don't say anything, but you can know that you are right in your feelings and they are wrong in what they are doing.

Agree. OP no one would blame you for cooperating to save the family relationships, but just know that a lot of us completely agree with you that they are in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, just have your husband talk to his brother and say that your whole family is looking forward to the celebration and that your kids will be perfectly fine for an hour or so. And the older kids especially would like to dance be part of the party. It's very reasonable and appropriate.

As a data point, my oldest daughter (5 at the time) was a flower girl for a super fancy destination summer wedding for a cousin. It was at a fancy hotel, ceremony and reception all there. She did all the pre-wedding stuff with my mom/gramdma (so younger two kids were not involved), rehearsal dinner, hair and makeup, etc. For the actual wedding, we had a local babysitter in our room who stayed with the baby for the outdoor ceremony (2.5 year old middle came to that) and then we brought the 2.5 year old to the room with the (adult-teacher during the school year) babysitter (other family member's kids hung out there too).
5 year old did all the post ceremony photos, ate some appetizers at the cocktail hour, drank a shirley temple, stayed for the beginning of the reception, danced a little and then had enough-said she was tired and wanted to go to the room. So we took her to the babysitter.

But OPs children are older, and not even invited for a Shirley Temple. And there are no other kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are *in* the wedding as flower girls, completely inappropriate to disinvite them from the reception.

I would take the high road, cooperate, don't say anything, but you can know that you are right in your feelings and they are wrong in what they are doing.

Agree. OP no one would blame you for cooperating to save the family relationships, but just know that a lot of us completely agree with you that they are in the wrong.

Meh. They’re not in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are *in* the wedding as flower girls, completely inappropriate to disinvite them from the reception.

I would take the high road, cooperate, don't say anything, but you can know that you are right in your feelings and they are wrong in what they are doing.

Agree. OP no one would blame you for cooperating to save the family relationships, but just know that a lot of us completely agree with you that they are in the wrong.

Meh. They’re not in the wrong.

You actually think it’s okay not to invite the wedding party to the reception? Especially after they have spent days travelling and engaging in other events?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are *in* the wedding as flower girls, completely inappropriate to disinvite them from the reception.

I would take the high road, cooperate, don't say anything, but you can know that you are right in your feelings and they are wrong in what they are doing.

Agree. OP no one would blame you for cooperating to save the family relationships, but just know that a lot of us completely agree with you that they are in the wrong.

Meh. They’re not in the wrong.

You actually think it’s okay not to invite the wedding party to the reception? Especially after they have spent days travelling and engaging in other events?

I don’t consider children “the wedding party.” They don’t need to attend an adult party, especially when they’ve attended all sorts of other events. Bride and groom are perfectly within reason to request they have one child free event of the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If your kids are *in* the wedding as flower girls, completely inappropriate to disinvite them from the reception.

I would take the high road, cooperate, don't say anything, but you can know that you are right in your feelings and they are wrong in what they are doing.

Agree. OP no one would blame you for cooperating to save the family relationships, but just know that a lot of us completely agree with you that they are in the wrong.

Meh. They’re not in the wrong.

You actually think it’s okay not to invite the wedding party to the reception? Especially after they have spent days travelling and engaging in other events?

I don’t consider children “the wedding party.” They don’t need to attend an adult party, especially when they’ve attended all sorts of other events. Bride and groom are perfectly within reason to request they have one child free event of the weekend.

The children are attendants in the wedding. How do you define wedding party?