How often does your spouse curse at you and call you names?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m actually surprised so many people say their spouse never calls them names. My spouse calls me names and insults me almost daily. I’m afraid to talk to him because he will call me stupid or something. I just try to not interact as much as possible or run over what I want to say over and over in my head to see if it is stupid or not and try to gauge what reaction will be. We’ve been together almost 20 years, it only really got like this after we had a kid.

You are surprised because people have a tendency to think their normal is actually normal for most people. But it's not. It is NOT normal or typical for people to curse at and call their spouses or partners names. Most people don't do this and love does not actually look like that. You might have some kind of emotional attachment, but it's not healthy love if you are cursing at or calling each other names. Or if you are putting up with it.

You are raising a child to carry on this unhealthy and destructive tradition as well.

[Anonymous]

Never. We curse near each other but not at each other. PPsvwith a different answer, figure out a way to get out. Save money, crash with a friend, buy new stuff, whatever it takes.

[Anonymous]

Never! WTF?!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m actually surprised so many people say their spouse never calls them names. My spouse calls me names and insults me almost daily. I’m afraid to talk to him because he will call me stupid or something. I just try to not interact as much as possible or run over what I want to say over and over in my head to see if it is stupid or not and try to gauge what reaction will be. We’ve been together almost 20 years, it only really got like this after we had a kid.

I am surprised too. I am also insulted on a daily basis, criticized, and cursed at. We have been married 20 years. I am frequently reminded that I am a failure as a mother and that everyone thinks I have issues. DH says I am the one who has the problem and he doesn’t know why he stays with me since he could easily replace me with someone much better. If I try to develop any activities outside of work or home I am accused of neglecting the kids and house. I have absolutely no feelings for him anymore. I can’t remember the last time he said something nice about me. And he wonders why I am not physically attracted to him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m actually surprised so many people say their spouse never calls them names. My spouse calls me names and insults me almost daily. I’m afraid to talk to him because he will call me stupid or something. I just try to not interact as much as possible or run over what I want to say over and over in my head to see if it is stupid or not and try to gauge what reaction will be. We’ve been together almost 20 years, it only really got like this after we had a kid.

OP here. I’m sure you’ve thought about this, but is there a possibility of leaving? I don’t think I can live like this for 10+ more years.

[Anonymous]

Never. Married 18 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m actually surprised so many people say their spouse never calls them names. My spouse calls me names and insults me almost daily. I’m afraid to talk to him because he will call me stupid or something. I just try to not interact as much as possible or run over what I want to say over and over in my head to see if it is stupid or not and try to gauge what reaction will be. We’ve been together almost 20 years, it only really got like this after we had a kid.

I am surprised too. I am also insulted on a daily basis, criticized, and cursed at. We have been married 20 years. I am frequently reminded that I am a failure as a mother and that everyone thinks I have issues. DH says I am the one who has the problem and he doesn’t know why he stays with me since he could easily replace me with someone much better. If I try to develop any activities outside of work or home I am accused of neglecting the kids and house. I have absolutely no feelings for him anymore. I can’t remember the last time he said something nice about me. And he wonders why I am not physically attracted to him anymore.

Married 29 years and my husband has never called me names or sworn at me.

He’s worn you down for so long that you believe this is normal but it’s not. You don’t have to live like this. Make a plan and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Couples who don’t have any arguments are not normal.

We are always respectful, even when angry. Of course there are arguments, but we don't hurt or insult each other, we try to come to an agreement.

[Anonymous]

Never.

[Anonymous]

Never. And we don't really have a picture perfect marriage, but there has never been name calling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. DH has literally called me a lazy f, manipulative f, fake f, motherf’er, go f yourself, f’ing hypocrite, lying selfish f, and some variety of the above over text over the last few hours. Yes, I got angry and frustrated and yelled at him first. No, I didn’t call him names or curse him out like that. I’m not sure what to do. Do I just move out? What about my things? I can’t afford to just get an apartment.

OP, I tolerated this, thought it was something we could "work out" or that he would change or that maybe I was in the wrong. Then he threatened to beat the crap out of for the second time. Yes, that's right, the second time. The first time I was proud of myself for standing up to him, and he backed down. I thought he learned a lesson. The only lesson he learned is that I would take just about anything from him.

I left him, dated around and, years later, I found myself in another relationship that had turned emotionally abusive (in a different way -- lots of lying and gaslighting, but sweet to my face). I had 2 kids at the time, and I left. I was afraid that if I stayed, my daughter would learn to accept such behavior and my son would learn to dish it out.

The day after I left, I literally felt like a cloud had lifted. It wasn't until he was gone that I began to realize how much damaging verbal and emotional abuse is. It has taken me years to recover. And, I also realized that I was programmed to accept this because I grew up in a family with a verbally abusive mother.

If you don't have kids, just take a day off work, get a friend to help you pack as much of your stuff as possible and just leave. There are no "things" that will make it worth staying. Every day you stay in this environment is doing damage to you. You must have some friends or family who will let you sleep on the sofa for awhile. If not, look for any kind of roommate situation that would be cheap and allow you to move out ASAP. You will have to downsize for awhile to rebuild financially, but it is well worth it to save your life.

Also, visit loveisrespect.org to assess your relationship.

And, get a therapist for yourself. While yelling at someone doesn't justify the verbal abuse you describe, yelling is not OK either and you need to get a grip on that.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised by the low numbers too. My wife has called me an asshole and an idiot more times than I can count.

I've heard many female friends and relatives also calling their husbands derogatory names so I assumed it was common. Apparently we have a lot of abusive women in my circle.

[Anonymous]

"Frequently, which is why we are separated and divorcing.

I didn't want my daughter to think it was okay to be treated like that, and I didn't want my son to think it was okay to treat a woman like that. So I left."

This was my situation. Plus, he refused to work. Nonetheless, plenty of people in our acquaintance have judged me for leaving him. Apparently, if there is no adultery or physical abuse, you're supposed to stay and put up with any treatment.

[Anonymous]

Never! WTF! Of course, we have disagreements and argue but we don't insult or disrespect each other. Your spouse cursing at you and calling you names is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am surprised by the low numbers too. My wife has called me an asshole and an idiot more times than I can count.

I've heard many female friends and relatives also calling their husbands derogatory names so I assumed it was common. Apparently we have a lot of abusive women in my circle.

Seems like it. It is certainly not the norm. You need to get out.