Would you be upset if your kid was served mocktails & got a makeover at a party?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay okay if DCUM says I’m making too big a deal then I must be.

DD is a dancer so she understands makeup is for special ocassions like recitals and competitions. She’s really been pushing to wear more when she’s 13 like her friends but I’ve been holding firm on only a bit of concealer for a bad blemish and some mascara.

The hair dye was shocking and I’m not a fan of unnatural colors. She knows this too because she and her brothers wanted to dye their hair for the Capitals parade and I vetoed that.

I have to plan a 13th bday for the end of August and the ideas DD is throwing out already after this party are just crazy. Thirteenth bdays weren’t a big thing when I was growing up, just sweet 16. Now it’s a big bash for 13, 16, and 18! Or at least it seems to be for the girls. Thank goodness the 2 coming up after her are boys.

OP, this is way, way too controlling. Temporary hair dye? This scenario is exactly the kind of thing to ease up on, because it does not matter that young kids dye their hair crazy colors. Fighting with your kids over their wishes to make temporary changes to their physical appearance (in celebration of a once in a lifetime thing, no less) sends the message that you don't trust them to learn to make their own decisions.

And also: lose the ridiculous girl-boy nonsense. Thank goodness the next two are boys? Because boys never want to dye their hair or do things you may find inappropriate? But it's okay to wear makeup for dance competitions, i.e., in a highly stereotypically feminized context?

Focus on what matters to kids: being a place of comfort and stability whom they can trust to talk to, not one who will judge them over silly things like bright hair dye and make up. What are you going to do if one of your sons wants to experiment with make up? Or your daughter decides to dress butch? These kids are human beings, not dolls or stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

I’d look at it this way: if all the other parents were fine with it, then yes you probably are overreacting. I assume that you agree with 9 out of 10 of the other aspects of the other parents’ parenting; which is evident because you let your daughter hang out and spend the night at their houses and with the other teens. If that’s the case, I would try to reflect on why I have such strong feelings of nappropriateness that others do not.

Otherwise, if you still think you’re justified and the other parents are wrong, you may need to not let your kid hang out with the birthday girl or the other teens whose parents were okay With everything; because there’s probably more that they would do unassumingly that you would disagree with your kids being involved in. And being able to see evidence of pink hair and nails on a 13yo is one thing. You’ll need to trust the other parents judgement and parenting styles. And if you can’t do that, your kid needs new friends.

A movie, sleepover, free hair spray and nail polish is not a “big” party. To most , that’s pretty economical andvtypical for ages 8-15. We do that for non birthdays as well . The types that want the big “sweet 16” are usually thinking wedding-reception or prom-like parties!

[Anonymous]

Sounds fun. Lighten up.

[Anonymous]

She's probably the one who starts all the threads on adult women who dye their hair "unnatural colors". Tsk tsk.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have boys so take this for what it's worth. But as a parent who's pretty tightly wound, I think you are overreading what sounds like a fun night for your daughter. In theory, I understand why you'd oppose the concept of glamourizing alcohol and beauty activities. But in practice, no one was grooming your daughter for drinking parties - she just spent a night with friends having smoothies and playing dress-up.

Obviously I haven't dealt with this as a parent but the world of boys has similar debates (read some of the nerf gun threads!) Let your kids be kids and don't make everything an ideological issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay okay if DCUM says I’m making too big a deal then I must be.

DD is a dancer so she understands makeup is for special ocassions like recitals and competitions. She’s really been pushing to wear more when she’s 13 like her friends but I’ve been holding firm on only a bit of concealer for a bad blemish and some mascara.

The hair dye was shocking and I’m not a fan of unnatural colors. She knows this too because she and her brothers wanted to dye their hair for the Capitals parade and I vetoed that.

I have to plan a 13th bday for the end of August and the ideas DD is throwing out already after this party are just crazy. Thirteenth bdays weren’t a big thing when I was growing up, just sweet 16. Now it’s a big bash for 13, 16, and 18! Or at least it seems to be for the girls. Thank goodness the 2 coming up after her are boys.

OP, if my kid had gone to a 6th birthday party, and they'd done this and hadn't told the parents -- then yes, I'd be upset. But this is a 13th birthday party.

It sounds to me like it's a control issue for you, The rreality is that you are going to have less and less control over your child's environment as she gets older. You have to start shifting from a philosophy of control over your child's environment to a philosophy of enabling your daughter to make good choices on her own.

[Anonymous]

Wow. I’m conservative but my 7yo and her friends love to play with hair chalk of all colors and we do their nails. It’s common at all of our houses and a lot of fun. They use the colored spray if any house has it. They also have played with full make up. FYI- I don’t wear make up at all.

As for the drinks, no big deal. We make them spritzers in the summer which are seltzer and juice. It’s not any different. DH and I don’t really drink but I wouldn’t care if they had a non-alcoholic pina colada or margarita.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 8 year old niece has gone to birthday parties AT a kiddie hair salon and come home with temporary hair color spray, etc. I think this happens at girl birthday parties nowadays although as the mom to boys only it does sound nuts to me .

The mocktail part has been interesting for me to read the responses. Posters seem to parse this at different points. Some like OP don’t like it at all. Others think it is okay so long as it is in solo cups instead of margarita glasses. Another thinks coconut flavor (pina colada) is okay but not lime (margarita). I think a lot of this is distinction without a difference. I’m not sure how I’d feel in OP’s shoes but I suspect so long as there was no alcohol in anything then I wouldn’t see it as different than drinking a shirley temple, which my kids love to do when we go out to nicer restaurants.

I posted about the pina coladas vs margaritas vs martini glasses.

To me, pina coladas means coconut and pineapple juice, where margaritas mean tequila with lime juice. Pina colada make me think of the beach flavor, while margaritas make me think of alcohol first, lime second.

As far as the glasses and presentation, some glasses (like martini glasses) are strictly for adult alcoholic beverges, while something like a hurricane glass might be used to serve a milkshake. Restaurants almost always serve virgin drinks in a standard tumbler or hurricane.

I think at least for me those are subtle things that really change the message from innocent fun to, well, Regina's mom.

I’ve see pina colada slurpees, yogurt, etc. I think it’s generally thought of as a certain flavor and not necessarily alcoholic. (After all, there isn’t a merlot yogurt).

Right. And that is why I said pina colada is no big deal to me, while margaritas would bother me a bit because margaritas are all about tequila.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Make up and temporary hair dye? No biggie.

Mocktails at a 13 year old's party? Were they mixed in shakers and served in cocktail glasses? That would definitely bother me. Frozen virgin pina coladas or strawberry daiquiris served in a plastic cup with a fun straw similar to a starbucks frappachino or a smoothie at a restaurant? Not a big deal.

I am generally conservative but am fine with adult drinking, host parties with alcohol and am not anti fun drinks for kids.

Virgin frozen margaritas and pina coladas and a drink the bday girl created. All were frozen and served in plastic glasses (like plastic margarita and plastic colada glasses).

I think the mocktails are really what angered me most. I just see it as glamorizing drinking which I don’t believe in. There’s alcoholism on my side of the family so we’ve always discussed alcohol with them and the seriousness of it. Most of this evening was spent talking about drinking and alcohol because she’s just absolutely enthralled with the mocktails.

+1 I'm with you on the mocktails.

[Anonymous]

NP that is also really tightly wound and thinks this was all fine.

[Anonymous]

I don't get being bothered by the mocktails thing at all. When I went out to dinner with my parents, they would get their cocktails and I would hey my virgin daiquiri or Shirley temple with umbrellas, cherries, orange fans, the works. It taught me that drinking is a social activity that did NOT require alcohol and normalized non-alcoholic drinks at social events.

[Anonymous]

Mom of a 16 year old and a 12.5 year old dd here:

I’m with you, OP. No way I’d be on board with the mocktails. And just because other parents are okay with it does not make you uptight or wrong.

You do your parenting. Let them do theirs.

[Anonymous]

No wonder kids these days have anxieties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Mom of a 16 year old and a 12.5 year old dd here:

I’m with you, OP. No way I’d be on board with the mocktails. And just because other parents are okay with it does not make you uptight or wrong.

You do your parenting. Let them do theirs.

So what does OP do? Call the host parents and tell them where they were wrong? Forbid DD from going over to that friend's house? Advise DD next time "call me immediately if anything like this is going down?"

Honestly wondering for the parents who may be upset about something like this.

[Anonymous]

No, I would not be upset. What would upset me is if something unsafe happened, which is not the case with anything you described. Your DD is a teenager and I think you are a bit naive about how much you are going to be able to control her as she goes through her teenage years. Also, don't you want to encourage some independent thought in your child? How about not being mad at the parents for what were truly harmless activities, but using it as a learning experience for your daughter? You can explain how some families do things differently than your family.

In any event, if it makes you feel better, I had pink or blue hair a few times in high school and also had mocktails as a child, and I'm absolutely the most boring, "regular" person as an adult. No crazy colored hair, no tattoos, drink maybe 1-2 glasses of wine a week at most, gainfully employed, etc.