I Don’t Want Kids..

[Anonymous]

My STBX did not want kids. I did and figured he would change his mind eventually. He wanted to stop at one child. I wanted another, but it was what I wanted, not what he wanted. They are older now and are my absolute everything, BUT, I definitely married the wrong man. I should have found someone who would have made a better father and actually wanted to have kids with me. So, I think it is fine that you know what you want. You likely will NOT change your mind and that is fine. Some people are happier not having kids and I get that. But, please do the guy a favor and leave him immediately and stop wasting his time. It is not fair to him. Let him find someone who has the same vision of marriage/family as he does. You do you. I'm sure you'll find someone who is more aligned with your goals for marriage without kids. Wish I had been smarter about choosing a like-minded partner, as it was a waste of a good part of my life. Still thankful for my kids though despite it all.

[Anonymous]

Everyone needs to STOP telling this woman that she might want to reconsider her decision not to have kids. She doesn't want any and that's not just fine -- it's great! There are too many people in the world already, and way too many unwanted kids.

OP, you need to break up with the guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My STBX did not want kids. I did and figured he would change his mind eventually. He wanted to stop at one child. I wanted another, but it was what I wanted, not what he wanted. They are older now and are my absolute everything, BUT, I definitely married the wrong man. I should have found someone who would have made a better father and actually wanted to have kids with me. So, I think it is fine that you know what you want. You likely will NOT change your mind and that is fine. Some people are happier not having kids and I get that. But, please do the guy a favor and leave him immediately and stop wasting his time. It is not fair to him. Let him find someone who has the same vision of marriage/family as he does. You do you. I'm sure you'll find someone who is more aligned with your goals for marriage without kids. Wish I had been smarter about choosing a like-minded partner, as it was a waste of a good part of my life. Still thankful for my kids though despite it all.

Definitely agree. Alternatively, I know a man who wanted kids but agreed not to because his wife really didn't. He's in his 50s now and this is STILL the thing he immediately starts talking about the moment he has more than 2 drinks - he really regrets it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are so many posters trying to change OP's mind?? I have kids and OP is 100% right about the sacrifices. Not everyone has to agree that the benefits of parenthood outweigh the costs. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids!

Anyway OP, I'm sorry, but this is a fundamental compatibility issue that probably can't be resolved.

I don't think they're trying to change OP's mind so much as say that using that experience to inform that decision is maybe not the best idea because its so different.

Like if I said, I don't like chicken because I hate mcdonald's chicken nuggets. That's a really narrow experience of chicken, I would be pretty stupid to write off chicken because I don't like those nuggets. Maybe I try some other chicken and end up really not liking chicken! That's cool, better for the environment! But I shouldn't let THAT be what seals the deal for me.

And on the flip side, I was a nanny, hated it, but figured that like everyone told me, having my own kids would be different.

It is and it isn't. I just can't get rid of them now. Still hate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My STBX did not want kids. I did and figured he would change his mind eventually. He wanted to stop at one child. I wanted another, but it was what I wanted, not what he wanted. They are older now and are my absolute everything, BUT, I definitely married the wrong man. I should have found someone who would have made a better father and actually wanted to have kids with me. So, I think it is fine that you know what you want. You likely will NOT change your mind and that is fine. Some people are happier not having kids and I get that. But, please do the guy a favor and leave him immediately and stop wasting his time. It is not fair to him. Let him find someone who has the same vision of marriage/family as he does. You do you. I'm sure you'll find someone who is more aligned with your goals for marriage without kids. Wish I had been smarter about choosing a like-minded partner, as it was a waste of a good part of my life. Still thankful for my kids though despite it all.

Definitely agree. Alternatively, I know a man who wanted kids but agreed not to because his wife really didn't. He's in his 50s now and this is STILL the thing he immediately starts talking about the moment he has more than 2 drinks - he really regrets it.

I am the PP whose husband wanted none and then agreed to have one. He has been a devoted, wonderful, supportive father, and he enjoys it often enough too (but he is not one to gloss over the hardships of parenting and talk about "feeling joy every time he looks into his snowflake's eyes"...for that matter, I am not either, though being a mom is the most valuable experience of my life and I wouldn't change it for a thing).

When I asked for more, he was honest about feeling strongly against it and how it might change our relationship negatively. You know what? I listened. I maybe have pushed, cried, or felt bad at times, but everyone has to compromise, and basically forcing someone to have a kid is a really risky bet. I'm sorry your DH is not what you want him to be, but he told you what's who he would be.

OP needs to be honest and not get in a position where she is steamrolled into having a child/ren. She, her partner, and the kid/s will likely suffer for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My STBX did not want kids. I did and figured he would change his mind eventually. He wanted to stop at one child. I wanted another, but it was what I wanted, not what he wanted. They are older now and are my absolute everything, BUT, I definitely married the wrong man. I should have found someone who would have made a better father and actually wanted to have kids with me. So, I think it is fine that you know what you want. You likely will NOT change your mind and that is fine. Some people are happier not having kids and I get that. But, please do the guy a favor and leave him immediately and stop wasting his time. It is not fair to him. Let him find someone who has the same vision of marriage/family as he does. You do you. I'm sure you'll find someone who is more aligned with your goals for marriage without kids. Wish I had been smarter about choosing a like-minded partner, as it was a waste of a good part of my life. Still thankful for my kids though despite it all.

Definitely agree. Alternatively, I know a man who wanted kids but agreed not to because his wife really didn't. He's in his 50s now and this is STILL the thing he immediately starts talking about the moment he has more than 2 drinks - he really regrets it.

I am the PP whose husband wanted none and then agreed to have one. He has been a devoted, wonderful, supportive father, and he enjoys it often enough too (but he is not one to gloss over the hardships of parenting and talk about "feeling joy every time he looks into his snowflake's eyes"...for that matter, I am not either, though being a mom is the most valuable experience of my life and I wouldn't change it for a thing).

When I asked for more, he was honest about feeling strongly against it and how it might change our relationship negatively. You know what? I listened. I maybe have pushed, cried, or felt bad at times, but everyone has to compromise, and basically forcing someone to have a kid is a really risky bet. I'm sorry your DH is not what you want him to be, but he told you what's who he would be.

OP needs to be honest and not get in a position where she is steamrolled into having a child/ren. She, her partner, and the kid/s will likely suffer for it.

Oh I completely agree with you; was just offering the flip side that if this guy wants kids, he wants kids and that's that.

The guy I'm talking about is an acquaintance, not my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth are so many posters trying to change OP's mind?? I have kids and OP is 100% right about the sacrifices. Not everyone has to agree that the benefits of parenthood outweigh the costs. There's nothing wrong with not wanting kids!

Anyway OP, I'm sorry, but this is a fundamental compatibility issue that probably can't be resolved.

I don't think they're trying to change OP's mind so much as say that using that experience to inform that decision is maybe not the best idea because its so different.

Like if I said, I don't like chicken because I hate mcdonald's chicken nuggets. That's a really narrow experience of chicken, I would be pretty stupid to write off chicken because I don't like those nuggets. Maybe I try some other chicken and end up really not liking chicken! That's cool, better for the environment! But I shouldn't let THAT be what seals the deal for me.

That might work for chicken nuggets but how do you suggest OP “try some other chicken” when it comes to kids? She can’t exactly have them and then give them back if she decides parenting isn’t for her.

[Anonymous]

Mom of 3 here. Loving my kids does not mean that I could not have had an equally fulfilling life without them. Helen Mirren has discussed her decision to remain childless in a way that I admire. Admitting that you do not want what society insists women must want is courageous. Not every woman has to be nurturing in a maternal sense. You should not give up your childfree life. Neither should he be forced to sacrifice his desire to have kids. Set him free and find someone who wants to enjoy a childfree life with you.

[Anonymous]

Yeah you need to end it. Do it asap, there is no point in continuing this and it will only make it more unnecessarily painful for both of you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in an emotional tug-a-war. I’m 32, currently dating a great guy for the past 6 months, and I’ve recently decided parenting is not for me. I’ve always wanted kids, but after being a nannny ( I’m now a surgical nurse), I don’t know if that lifestyle is cut out for me. The problem is he really wants kids. We have talked about me moving in, getting engaged, and spending the rest of our lives othether. I don’t want to lose him, but making this choice for him is not fair either. We discussed a little bit of my decision, and he said he didn’t see himself without having a family ( including kids), and that he didn’t want to lose me. He is choosing to believe this may just be a sudden decision based off of fear, rather than a long thoughtout reason. I’m very torn, and I don’t know what to do.

It’s interesting that you’ve always wanted kids and that’s changed only recently, not while you were in the trenches of working as a nanny or shortly after that. Could there be something about your boyfriend that makes you not want to have kids with him? You might find yourself wanting to have kids with someone else if you let this boyfriend go.

I wonder if people who focus on the work and sacrifice needed for being a parent simply don’t have a vision of a family and times together that they want to realize. Many are probably otherwise very hard working and made sacrifices to go to school/college and to advance in a career. They wouldn’t let the thought of attending all those classes and doing all that homework, or putting in those long hours at the office, stop them from pursuing their goals. But if there are no dreams of times shared with children, family traditions you’d like to pass on, values you’d hope to have carried forward in the next generation, then of course having kids would seem like nothing but work.

[Anonymous]

OP all these folks telling you to go ahead and have kids. Lol. Your not a kid yourself: if you don’t want kids you don’t want kids! It’s a legitimate decision!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

Former nanny here, now a mother. My marriage isn't suffering, I don't have body issues, we still have sex 2-3 times a week and we still make time for each other. Kids require sacrifice and our time. Everything in life requires sacrifice and time though, doesn't it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP all these folks telling you to go ahead and have kids. Lol. Your not a kid yourself: if you don’t want kids you don’t want kids! It’s a legitimate decision!

*you're

Yes, and if she absolutely doesn't then time to real up with this guy, right now.

She seems to be expressing some uncertainty about the finality of this decision, and that's what people are speaking to - not trying to convince her to have kids, but telling her not to make that decision based on her experience as a nanny (especially given the fact that she's always wanted kids, and that this is a very new line of thinking for her)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP all these folks telling you to go ahead and have kids. Lol. Your not a kid yourself: if you don’t want kids you don’t want kids! It’s a legitimate decision!

*you're

Yes, and if she absolutely doesn't then time to real up with this guy, right now.

She seems to be expressing some uncertainty about the finality of this decision, and that's what people are speaking to - not trying to convince her to have kids, but telling her not to make that decision based on her experience as a nanny (especially given the fact that she's always wanted kids, and that this is a very new line of thinking for her)

There is no experience that is the “right” experience from which to decide to have kids. If she had said she realized how much she WANTED kids after being a nanny or a teacher, there would not be a bunch of posts telling her that she needs to decide based on a different experience. Most people who want kids don’t even have a concrete reason-it’s just a feeling. She should make the decision based on whatever matters to her. It sounds like she has assessed her own interests, passions and limits.

[Anonymous]

Parenting is a life-long commitment with deep lasting physical, emotional, financial, and logistical considerations. So not take it lightly. You need to be 100% I’m or your child will eventually suffer. And that is unfair to the child.