I Don’t Want Kids..

[Anonymous]

I’m in an emotional tug-a-war. I’m 32, currently dating a great guy for the past 6 months, and I’ve recently decided parenting is not for me. I’ve always wanted kids, but after being a nannny ( I’m now a surgical nurse), I don’t know if that lifestyle is cut out for me. The problem is he really wants kids. We have talked about me moving in, getting engaged, and spending the rest of our lives othether. I don’t want to lose him, but making this choice for him is not fair either. We discussed a little bit of my decision, and he said he didn’t see himself without having a family ( including kids), and that he didn’t want to lose me. He is choosing to believe this may just be a sudden decision based off of fear, rather than a long thoughtout reason. I’m very torn, and I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Agree. Delve deep and explore and really make this decision. But then....don't let this linger. If he definitely wants kids and you definitely don't, you should not be moving forward.

[Anonymous]

Leave now. I have been there before and after a year and half he broke up with me over. At 6 months, it was we can figure this out. At 1.5 years, it was ‘oh crap, she really isn’t changing her mind.’

It was soul crushing. I wish I would have left when my gut told me to.

[Anonymous]

You may not ever change your mind and that's fine.

If it's a recent decision you may just want to give it 6 months to a year to let it sit just to make sure.

In the meantime, tell him this is your decision and you're certain. Don't move forward with him. Don't let him believe there's wiggle room. See if he wants you as you are, not how he'd like you to be.

And for the love of god don't have kids you don't want. None of you deserve that.

[Anonymous]

I was a nanny and it was nothing like having kids at all. There's a deep, biological connection to my children that I have. I love seeing myself and my traits in my children.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes two people who are great together don't belong together because of timing. You may or may not change your mind at some point, but right now, you don't want kids and he does. Bad timing.

I never thought about having kids, nor did I really ever want any, until I got married and turned 33. DH and I talked about it, and we were both on the fence. We did end up having two kids.

You are right though, being a nanny is nothing like being a parent, both the good and bad parts. At the end of the day, you get to go home to a quiet house and get a break from the kids. Parents work a full time job, come home then work another full time job, sometimes even during the middle of the night.

OTH, the love you feel for your kids is not something you can understand until you have your own.

Tough choice but don't drag it out hoping the other side will change their minds.

[Anonymous]

^cannot not "can" understand

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

[Anonymous]

I don’t want kids and never have—I don’t really have a clear specific reason. I just don’t. You don’t need one either.

But you do need to be clear about this with him. I was dating a guy before my current DH who told me he loved me but he really wanted children so he couldn’t get over that. It was okay, I accepted that and I appreciated and respected his honesty. We are still friends. No hard feelings either way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

That's also a timing issue. I had my kids late, and had plenty of time for spontaneous living. It just became less important to me as I got older. I did not have much experience with kids before having my own. I did very little babysitting and had no interest in it. But it is different with my own kids. I'm still not a "pinterest" type mom, nor am I particularly playful, but I am engaged with them and couldn't imagine a life without them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want kids and never have—I don’t really have a clear specific reason. I just don’t. You don’t need one either.

But you do need to be clear about this with him. I was dating a guy before my current DH who told me he loved me but he really wanted children so he couldn’t get over that. It was okay, I accepted that and I appreciated and respected his honesty. We are still friends. No hard feelings either way.

+1

You need to break up with him, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

Yeah...you sound both dramatic and like you think you're an expert on everything, which you're not.

If you're in a "I'm not ready for kids yet" phase, that's one thing, but if you definitely never want them end this relationship now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want kids and never have—I don’t really have a clear specific reason. I just don’t. You don’t need one either.

But you do need to be clear about this with him. I was dating a guy before my current DH who told me he loved me but he really wanted children so he couldn’t get over that. It was okay, I accepted that and I appreciated and respected his honesty. We are still friends. No hard feelings either way.

+1

You need to break up with him, OP.

+2 this is not complicated. You can't have it both ways. End it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would not make a decision this important based on your experience as a nanny. Are there other reasons that you have decided you don’t want children?

Op here. I’ve have most of my exposure to children through my nanny experience. It’s such a life altering decision and commitment. When I was a nanny, I found myself becoming bored and just disliked the job. I’ve experienced first hand what having a kid did for these families. While they loved it, they endured sleepless nights, hours of crying kids, toddlers with tantrums, breastfeeding issues, body issues, etc., that no doubt put a strain on their relationship. Most suffer intimacy intimacy issues, and I’m a very sexual being, and enjoy frequent sex. You have to give up almost all of your time to your kids and can’t do simple things like just get up and go to dinner, take a spontaneous trip somewhere for a weekend, have xtra spending money.

What you are describing is really only the early years. Maybe five, versus a lifetime of being a parent.