A perfectly nice date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early 50s man here. I have found that if they are not ready for sex by the fourth date, they never will be. I won't waste my time on a woman past date #4 if she isn't up for sex unless she is truly extraordinary.

This is totally flawed reasoning. I've slept with 11 men and never by the fourth date - except for one guy where I waited several weeks, I waited for two to four months with all of them. And yes I have a high drive. I just don't sleep with men until and unless we are in a monogamous relationship and I know them well.

It's not flawed. He is getting what he wants and you are getting what you want. You just want different things.

He is saying that if a woman hasn't slept with him by the fourth date she never will. I'm saying I have slept with eleven men - and did not sleep with any of them by the fourth date.

Out of curiosity, was there some indication of romantic interest on your part by the 4th date, like holding hands, kissing, you asked him out etc?

[Anonymous]

Two dates and you got a hug goodbye? No kissing? Did everyone else miss that? You haven't kissed and you're worried about sex? If the guy hasn't even kissed you yet but still wants to see you, I wouldn't worry about him expecting to move too fast for you. I've never not at least kissed on first date. Even the worst first dates. It's the kissing that moves things towards sex for me.

[Anonymous]

Don’t understand why you’re playing games, OP, but I hope you win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure can't figure out whether I want to sleep with someone in three dates, or even five or six for that matter.
That's not enough time for me.
If he asks you out again, go out with him again. Don't sleep with someone until you really want to and feel comfortable doing so. This three date thing is a myth propagated by men trying to rush women into sex.

It's not a myth or a hard fast rule. I'm not dating right now but if I were, I'm too far along in life to go through some extended courtship. If it's purely companionship I need, I have friends. If I'm dating it's because I'm attracted to you and I have romantic interests. If I dont think those interests are being returned, I'm going to move on. I'm not a kid trying to impress someone. I'm an adult that knows what I want and like.

"if those interests are being returned"? why do you think a woman is saying yes to continued dates? it's because she is interested in dating you and eventually having sex with you. women don't waste their time going in dates with men in whom they have no romantic interest. But many of us want to spend time getting to know someone before sleeping with him. You cant tell who someone really is after three dates, esp someone you just met online. I don't want to have sex with a man who is still online, still dating and possibly sleeping with others, etc. I need to know it's monogamous and it's a relationship. You can't know that after three dates.

Woman here. Yes, there are lots of women that go on dates for the sake of going on a date. I do agree with you about not jumping into bed with them though.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to have sex with a man who is still online, still dating and possibly sleeping with others, etc. I need to know it's monogamous and it's a relationship.

Then make the relationship happen, as long as both of you are willing to be exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don't want to have sex with a man who is still online, still dating and possibly sleeping with others, etc. I need to know it's monogamous and it's a relationship.

Then make the relationship happen, as long as both of you are willing to be exclusive.

Right - but I've dated guys who act very entitled to have sex with me early on, when they aren't willing to be exclusive yet. They're profiles are still up and they aren't willing to say they won't date or have sex with other people even if we have sex. I'm not comfortable having sex with someone who is having sex with and dating others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't want to have sex with a man who is still online, still dating and possibly sleeping with others, etc. I need to know it's monogamous and it's a relationship.

Then make the relationship happen, as long as both of you are willing to be exclusive.

Right - but I've dated guys who act very entitled to have sex with me early on, when they aren't willing to be exclusive yet. They're profiles are still up and they aren't willing to say they won't date or have sex with other people even if we have sex. I'm not comfortable having sex with someone who is having sex with and dating others.

Their profiles, not they're.
I said "early on" which is true, but also I've dated guys for longer and still not have them be willing to say I would be the only person they would be having sex with. This entitlement to have sex while dating others and not being exclusive with me just doesn't work for me

[Anonymous]

I would want him to take his profile down with no promise of a physical relationship and be willing to date for as long as it took for me to decide I wanted a long term relationship. If he isn't willing to take a risk on me long enough to give me time to figure things out on my schedule he isn't work the effort required for me to decide how I feel about him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don't want to have sex with a man who is still online, still dating and possibly sleeping with others, etc. I need to know it's monogamous and it's a relationship.

Then make the relationship happen, as long as both of you are willing to be exclusive.

Right - but I've dated guys who act very entitled to have sex with me early on, when they aren't willing to be exclusive yet. They're profiles are still up and they aren't willing to say they won't date or have sex with other people even if we have sex. I'm not comfortable having sex with someone who is having sex with and dating others.

I’m into sex as soon as we’re both interested in being exclusive, which is different from knowing for a fact that this is going anywhere long term. For a woman to wait beyond that point is to be inviting the guy to look elsewhere. If either party wants to pursue other options, yeah, this isn’t going to work, good luck with your next conquest male or female 007. Actually, if that other person has a sexual relationship going on with someone else, why would you even go near him?

[Anonymous]

To 614: for some reason I can't get the quote feature to work on my phone. Yes, of course I kissed them by the fourth date, assuming they tried! But there is a big difference between kissing on the fourth date and having sex on the fourth date. Typically I do more than just kiss on the fourth date. But I don't have sex until the risk of stds and pregnancies out way the potential benefits

[Anonymous]

I meant to say the opposite in terms of outweighing the risks

[Anonymous]

But there is a big difference between kissing on the fourth date and having sex on the fourth date. Typically I do more than just kiss on the fourth date.

You engage in foreplay but then you bail? That would not be a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Being single after twenty years means you have every right to takes things slow. If a guy can't respect that then he's not worth it.

What a content-free pair of sentences! You’re worried about “rights”? Worry about what works.
If you want to not get naked for lots of dates, and if guys you actually like don’t stick around, your choice had consequences.

Will your plan, whatever it is, work?

Of course her plan has consequences. And maybe she's OK with that???

[Anonymous]

Perfectly boring date you mean. Don't date a man because he should be good, or he looks good on paper, or because you are horny (although not necessarily for him) Don't do it. Pretty soon you'll be 20 years into a marriage you don't want to be in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would want him to take his profile down with no promise of a physical relationship and be willing to date for as long as it took for me to decide I wanted a long term relationship. If he isn't willing to take a risk on me long enough to give me time to figure things out on my schedule he isn't work the effort required for me to decide how I feel about him.

Hopefully you’ve found or will find the guy that feels the same. IMO, it’s easier to find that if the person isn’t using online dating. I started dating right when chat rooms and online dating were taking off. Before that, it wasn’t easy to meet someone. I wasn’t doing much social during the work week and weekends I had to be going out to a bar, party, club, group outing that included guys etc. to have a small chance of meeting someone and we both had to be single and someone have enough courage to risk in person rejection by asking for a phone number. It’s amazing I met anyone. So it wasn’t giving up much to focus on one person early with no idea if it would pan out because it could take 2 months to meet anyone else!

Anyway, I personally am not a fan of the give the person all the time in the world to decide how they feel about me while I wait patiently not dating anyone else not even knowing if things will be romantic. It would feel like I’m taking all the risks and the other person gets to decide if I’m worthy. But I could see how it could work if both people had the same mindset.