A perfectly nice date

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure can't figure out whether I want to sleep with someone in three dates, or even five or six for that matter.
That's not enough time for me.
If he asks you out again, go out with him again. Don't sleep with someone until you really want to and feel comfortable doing so. This three date thing is a myth propagated by men trying to rush women into sex.

Guy: it varies, i have had sex with women after 2 dates or even 4-5. I think if you’ve not kissed or anything by the 5th date I’d be wondering if I was being strung along. I’ve texted people for months and none of them ever changed there minds and suddenly deciddd to have sex.

PP here. Oh I'm totally fine with kissing and more - fooling around pretty extensively - by date three or four. But sex can bring consequences like stds and pregnancy. I want to make sure there is pretty strong potential for a relationship before I take those risks, and I don't feel like it's possible to know that by date three or five.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Single after 20 years with 2 elem kids. I'm 46. Last night I went out with a perfectly nice man. I had a nice time. The conversation was good and we laughed. At the conclusion of the date, he walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye. This was date 2, the first was coffee last week.

Where do I go from here? DCUM says "date and have fun". DCUM also says "don't waste a guys time". I'm not ready to sleep with him. I can't even answer if I would be willing to sleep with him. I'd like to go out with him again because I had a nice evening. I'm more than happy to pay my own way. How can a person decide after a few hours that they want to date someone or that they're ready to sleep with someone?

Continue to date him and have fun. Be honest with him- if he brings up sex, just tell him you're not ready. Trust that he is an adult who can make his own decisions, so if he decides to continue seeing you, you're not wasting his time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I sure can't figure out whether I want to sleep with someone in three dates, or even five or six for that matter.
That's not enough time for me.
If he asks you out again, go out with him again. Don't sleep with someone until you really want to and feel comfortable doing so. This three date thing is a myth propagated by men trying to rush women into sex.

It's not a myth or a hard fast rule. I'm not dating right now but if I were, I'm too far along in life to go through some extended courtship. If it's purely companionship I need, I have friends. If I'm dating it's because I'm attracted to you and I have romantic interests. If I dont think those interests are being returned, I'm going to move on. I'm not a kid trying to impress someone. I'm an adult that knows what I want and like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure can't figure out whether I want to sleep with someone in three dates, or even five or six for that matter.
That's not enough time for me.
If he asks you out again, go out with him again. Don't sleep with someone until you really want to and feel comfortable doing so. This three date thing is a myth propagated by men trying to rush women into sex.

It's not a myth or a hard fast rule. I'm not dating right now but if I were, I'm too far along in life to go through some extended courtship. If it's purely companionship I need, I have friends. If I'm dating it's because I'm attracted to you and I have romantic interests. If I dont think those interests are being returned, I'm going to move on. I'm not a kid trying to impress someone. I'm an adult that knows what I want and like.

"if those interests are being returned"? why do you think a woman is saying yes to continued dates? it's because she is interested in dating you and eventually having sex with you. women don't waste their time going in dates with men in whom they have no romantic interest. But many of us want to spend time getting to know someone before sleeping with him. You cant tell who someone really is after three dates, esp someone you just met online. I don't want to have sex with a man who is still online, still dating and possibly sleeping with others, etc. I need to know it's monogamous and it's a relationship. You can't know that after three dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure can't figure out whether I want to sleep with someone in three dates, or even five or six for that matter.
That's not enough time for me.
If he asks you out again, go out with him again. Don't sleep with someone until you really want to and feel comfortable doing so. This three date thing is a myth propagated by men trying to rush women into sex.

Guy: it varies, i have had sex with women after 2 dates or even 4-5. I think if you’ve not kissed or anything by the 5th date I’d be wondering if I was being strung along. I’ve texted people for months and none of them ever changed there minds and suddenly deciddd to have sex.

PP here. Oh I'm totally fine with kissing and more - fooling around pretty extensively - by date three or four. But sex can bring consequences like stds and pregnancy. I want to make sure there is pretty strong potential for a relationship before I take those risks, and I don't feel like it's possible to know that by date three or five.

My poster, guy in my 50’s. If the fear is pregnancy and STDs then, there are ways to let him know that, like, saying while making out, I will not go father than X because of pregnancy and std concerns. I do not know you well enough to have a kid with you. But, (some other act) is ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sure can't figure out whether I want to sleep with someone in three dates, or even five or six for that matter.
That's not enough time for me.
If he asks you out again, go out with him again. Don't sleep with someone until you really want to and feel comfortable doing so. This three date thing is a myth propagated by men trying to rush women into sex.

It's not a myth or a hard fast rule. I'm not dating right now but if I were, I'm too far along in life to go through some extended courtship. If it's purely companionship I need, I have friends. If I'm dating it's because I'm attracted to you and I have romantic interests. If I dont think those interests are being returned, I'm going to move on. I'm not a kid trying to impress someone. I'm an adult that knows what I want and like.

"if those interests are being returned"? why do you think a woman is saying yes to continued dates? it's because she is interested in dating you and eventually having sex with you. women don't waste their time going in dates with men in whom they have no romantic interest. But many of us want to spend time getting to know someone before sleeping with him. You cant tell who someone really is after three dates, esp someone you just met online. I don't want to have sex with a man who is still online, still dating and possibly sleeping with others, etc. I need to know it's monogamous and it's a relationship. You can't know that after three dates.

Woman here and some woman do say yes to dates with guys they aren’t sure about. They could be trying to convince themselves that they should like this guy because he seems good on paper or despite lack of chemistry on her part she should see if things develop. I don’t necessarily follow the three date rule in regards to sex but I won’t go on third date if I don’t think there is both emotional and sexual chemistry and potential for a relationship.

So OP, if you are attracted to him, you can ask him on a date and pick something where you get to know him. I think there was a post awhile back on good early on dates other than coffee/dinner/movies. While on the date, you can give non-verbal clues that you are interested romantically. The thing is if he is interested in you romantically if you are giving off signs that you just want to be friends,he will assume he is wasting his time. While sex is definitely a clear signal of more than just friends there are other ways to flirt and communicate that you are interested but not yet ready.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like if I don't want to sleep with someone after the first date, then there's no physical chemistry. Just me?

Assuming the guy is within the realm of reasonable looking, I absolutely become attracted as I get to know them better. I’m sure you are not alone, but I’m not like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Single after 20 years with 2 elem kids. I'm 46. Last night I went out with a perfectly nice man. I had a nice time. The conversation was good and we laughed. At the conclusion of the date, he walked me to my car and hugged me goodbye. This was date 2, the first was coffee last week.

Where do I go from here? DCUM says "date and have fun". DCUM also says "don't waste a guys time". I'm not ready to sleep with him. I can't even answer if I would be willing to sleep with him. I'd like to go out with him again because I had a nice evening. I'm more than happy to pay my own way. How can a person decide after a few hours that they want to date someone or that they're ready to sleep with someone?

Guy here - if you described me as "a perfectly nice man, had a nice time, conversation was good and we laughed" I'm not sure I would have picked up any vibes from our date that you had any real interest in me. After two dates most guys can sense if a women has any real interest....or not. I don't expect a woman to sleep with me after just a few dates but if I don't feel some mutual chemistry after 2 or 3 dates I know it's time to move on.

I agree with the guy above. If some guy described me that way I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be asking me out on another date. You don't go out on a third date with someone unless you sense something. That doesn't mean sex is on the near term horizon, it just means a good relationship might be developing.

[Anonymous]

Two points.

1. I think that it's not unusual for someone who hasn't dated for a long time to maybe take longer to warm up and feel romantically fired up. The process of developing romanitc attraction is something you haven't engaged in for a long long time. You may not even know what you like and finding it out could involve some trial and error.

2. You shouldn't waste a guy's time if you know you're not interested. OTOH, you aren't obligated to have perfect knowledge at all times. You can take time to figure things out.

3. He may decide that he doesn't want to wait around. That he wants someone who knows she's into him at date 3 and will hook up. That's doesn't make him good or bad. But he might be fine taking it slow and you don't have to make the choice for him.

TLDR, if you enjoy spending time with him and you think that romantic interest could develop, go out with him again.

[Anonymous]

PP here-a lot of men have major major complexes about being some kind of "nice guy" who is used for time and attention and not rewarded with sex. And yeah, there's something that's kind of painfully emascualting about it. But, you're an equal participant in this and as long as you're not intentionally misleading the guy you can take time figuring out what you want. He can decide if he wants to go along with it.

[Anonymous]

OP, everybody has their timetable. He may also be a guy who has had bad experiences tuning in to whether a woman wants sex early so he is also taking his time. Please don't call him a nice man. Sounds like you are next going to say, "I like you as a friend".

[Anonymous]

Honesty is the best policy. When I started dating after a long marriage I told the guys I was a rookie and finding my way. They may not have liked it but they were good about accepting it. When I finally met a guy I quickly had an interest in it turned out he didn't have a big interest in me which was a let down but I survived. When I finally met a guy where there was serious mutual interest I then faced the "first new sex partner in 20 years" dilemma.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am 06:03. The main thing is to be honest with him. Tell him (at appropriate times) what your limits are.

[Anonymous]

Early 50s man here. I have found that if they are not ready for sex by the fourth date, they never will be. I won't waste my time on a woman past date #4 if she isn't up for sex unless she is truly extraordinary.

[Anonymous]

1st date, tenth date...you never know. I was an incredible prude and a virgin until I was in my early 20's. After being with a few guys I became friends with a guy for about two years and then I just decided he was special and I slept with him on our first date..I asked him out...and I never looked back. You never know and you have to rely on your instinct and be comfortable with your decision. We can all be wrong, but when you are right it's great. But trust your instinct, not someone else's.