Dispelling the Myth

[Anonymous]

Why even get married? Find someone who you just like to be with and do things with. Marriage comes with all kinds of baggage. And yeah, that fun loving person you were dating and even lived with for years became someone else once you had a little ceremony and a license.

No way would I ever get married again and I wouldn't go back and get married the first time if I had a way to go back in time.

To answer the OP's initial question though:

General perceptions I hear from other married and/or divorced/widowed people about singles in their 40's and up:

1) Probably too difficult to live with
2) They have not had to compromise with what to do on a daily basis, or where to holiday or go on vacation (and what to do on vacation).
3) Singles probably have unrealistic expectations for a relationship

I'm not saying that OP is any of these things. These are just stereotypes that exist.

[Anonymous]

I'm a 46-year-old white chick and I can vouch that the situation you're in is not unique to AA women. Many/most of the single moms I know (single, not divorced) are in the same boat.

I think we're in kind of a tough middle ground for dating. Many of the people we meet will have either no children (by choice) or will have older or grown kids. A lot of guys our age, if they don't already have kids, might not want to be an insta-parent to someone else's kid. Some men are looking at younger women, unfortunately.

So I'm just sympathizing. A lot of us are in the same boat.

[Anonymous]

Not saying this is right, but my husband and I have a saying "single or single for a reason." And my old anthropology teacher said that if you do not try to get married early, then you are contending with the leftovers.

I am AA and I have read so many obnoxious articles that place so many pressures on AA single women and dating. I have many single friends in their late 30s very great catches, smart, beautiful, athletic, funny etc. I think this consumerism approach to dating with checklists and over pressure of "is this the one" is so burdomsom and people should simple appreciate people in the moment to get to know them and the gift of their presence and see where it goes and invest in people as having intrisic worth. My husband and I had different ideas of who we would marry on paper, but we had the same attitude towards respecting and getting to know one another and it worked out. I just cannot stand all this neigh talk about people's "baggage" as if no one has it, as if baggage is permanent, and as if people cannot change, grow, learn and improve.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2017/02/08/dating-wasnt-working-for-me-until-i-went-out-with-15-guys-in-one-month/?hpid=hp_rhp-more-top-stories_no-name%3Ahomepage%2Fstory&utm_term=.95944cb1cad8

I found this article interesting about male/female distribution and the dating scene
http://time.com/dateonomics/

If you click on the availability of men by age and whether they have a college degree, you can see the differences in availability in population
http://labs.time.com/story/see-the-ratio-of-single-men-to-women-where-you-live/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I'm in that demographic: with kid, never married. Does the stigma apply the same if the woman had a child in a long term relationship and chose not to get married? Is it really so much better to have been in a short marriage that failed? My daughter's dad proposed but we really had a hard time getting along and decided we better fix our differences before tying the knot. Well, we never did find peaceful ground and finally split after 5 years.

Your situation is different from OP's situation. While you weren't married, you did live with the father of your child, have to coparent with that person, go through all the disagreements with that person, and then had to decide whether or not to end the relationship while gauging how that would impact your child. And you're still stuck coparenting with that person after the relationship ends. You may or may not have had property together. Some unmarried couples do.

OP hasn't gone through any of that. And her responses to pp's indicate that she doesn't understand what goes into that kind of relationship, where there's a kid involved between two people.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Just as a divorced person with kid and dating, I just sometimes don't want to deal with people who have no idea what a good number of us went through. I don't have time to let you make me feel bad about why I can't hang out tonight. Or about why I don't want to be exclusive after a month. Or about anything else you should already get. And there are some divorced people with kids who also don't get it. I don't have time for them either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I'm in that demographic: with kid, never married. Does the stigma apply the same if the woman had a child in a long term relationship and chose not to get married? Is it really so much better to have been in a short marriage that failed? My daughter's dad proposed but we really had a hard time getting along and decided we better fix our differences before tying the knot. Well, we never did find peaceful ground and finally split after 5 years.

No. Definitely not the same stigma. My parents were together until my father died and they never married. Being couple is the main point. Committed to working out differences, teamwork, flexibility, bending so that the relationship does not break, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I'm in that demographic: with kid, never married. Does the stigma apply the same if the woman had a child in a long term relationship and chose not to get married? Is it really so much better to have been in a short marriage that failed? My daughter's dad proposed but we really had a hard time getting along and decided we better fix our differences before tying the knot. Well, we never did find peaceful ground and finally split after 5 years.

Your situation is different from OP's situation. While you weren't married, you did live with the father of your child, have to coparent with that person, go through all the disagreements with that person, and then had to decide whether or not to end the relationship while gauging how that would impact your child. And you're still stuck coparenting with that person after the relationship ends. You may or may not have had property together. Some unmarried couples do.

OP hasn't gone through any of that. And her responses to pp's indicate that she doesn't understand what goes into that kind of relationship, where there's a kid involved between two people.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Just as a divorced person with kid and dating, I just sometimes don't want to deal with people who have no idea what a good number of us went through. I don't have time to let you make me feel bad about why I can't hang out tonight. Or about why I don't want to be exclusive after a month. Or about anything else you should already get. And there are some divorced people with kids who also don't get it. I don't have time for them either.

As a single mom, why would you assume that she would not understand your need to not hang out. She does not get the relief from a custody agreement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I'm in that demographic: with kid, never married. Does the stigma apply the same if the woman had a child in a long term relationship and chose not to get married? Is it really so much better to have been in a short marriage that failed? My daughter's dad proposed but we really had a hard time getting along and decided we better fix our differences before tying the knot. Well, we never did find peaceful ground and finally split after 5 years.

Your situation is different from OP's situation. While you weren't married, you did live with the father of your child, have to coparent with that person, go through all the disagreements with that person, and then had to decide whether or not to end the relationship while gauging how that would impact your child. And you're still stuck coparenting with that person after the relationship ends. You may or may not have had property together. Some unmarried couples do.

OP hasn't gone through any of that. And her responses to pp's indicate that she doesn't understand what goes into that kind of relationship, where there's a kid involved between two people.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Just as a divorced person with kid and dating, I just sometimes don't want to deal with people who have no idea what a good number of us went through. I don't have time to let you make me feel bad about why I can't hang out tonight. Or about why I don't want to be exclusive after a month. Or about anything else you should already get. And there are some divorced people with kids who also don't get it. I don't have time for them either.

As a single mom, why would you assume that she would not understand your need to not hang out. She does not get the relief from a custody agreement.

That is what I am talking about. It is not a single parent thing. It is "I spent so much time these past 2 weeks navigating my ex trying to parent my child, I really don't have the emotional energy to deal with the fact you think I need to clean my toilet bowl, which is the only dirty spot in my apt. Or to negotiate us cooming dinner at my place when I told you 10 times I can't eat onions. I am out of negotiating this week."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I'm in that demographic: with kid, never married. Does the stigma apply the same if the woman had a child in a long term relationship and chose not to get married? Is it really so much better to have been in a short marriage that failed? My daughter's dad proposed but we really had a hard time getting along and decided we better fix our differences before tying the knot. Well, we never did find peaceful ground and finally split after 5 years.

Your situation is different from OP's situation. While you weren't married, you did live with the father of your child, have to coparent with that person, go through all the disagreements with that person, and then had to decide whether or not to end the relationship while gauging how that would impact your child. And you're still stuck coparenting with that person after the relationship ends. You may or may not have had property together. Some unmarried couples do.

OP hasn't gone through any of that. And her responses to pp's indicate that she doesn't understand what goes into that kind of relationship, where there's a kid involved between two people.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Just as a divorced person with kid and dating, I just sometimes don't want to deal with people who have no idea what a good number of us went through. I don't have time to let you make me feel bad about why I can't hang out tonight. Or about why I don't want to be exclusive after a month. Or about anything else you should already get. And there are some divorced people with kids who also don't get it. I don't have time for them either.

As a single mom, why would you assume that she would not understand your need to not hang out. She does not get the relief from a custody agreement.

That is what I am talking about. It is not a single parent thing. It is "I spent so much time these past 2 weeks navigating my ex trying to parent my child, I really don't have the emotional energy to deal with the fact you think I need to clean my toilet bowl, which is the only dirty spot in my apt. Or to negotiate us cooming dinner at my place when I told you 10 times I can't eat onions. I am out of negotiating this week."

You have serious baby-mama drama and possible personality quirks. No one, divorced, or otherwise, will want to deal with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I'm in that demographic: with kid, never married. Does the stigma apply the same if the woman had a child in a long term relationship and chose not to get married? Is it really so much better to have been in a short marriage that failed? My daughter's dad proposed but we really had a hard time getting along and decided we better fix our differences before tying the knot. Well, we never did find peaceful ground and finally split after 5 years.

Your situation is different from OP's situation. While you weren't married, you did live with the father of your child, have to coparent with that person, go through all the disagreements with that person, and then had to decide whether or not to end the relationship while gauging how that would impact your child. And you're still stuck coparenting with that person after the relationship ends. You may or may not have had property together. Some unmarried couples do.

OP hasn't gone through any of that. And her responses to pp's indicate that she doesn't understand what goes into that kind of relationship, where there's a kid involved between two people.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Just as a divorced person with kid and dating, I just sometimes don't want to deal with people who have no idea what a good number of us went through. I don't have time to let you make me feel bad about why I can't hang out tonight. Or about why I don't want to be exclusive after a month. Or about anything else you should already get. And there are some divorced people with kids who also don't get it. I don't have time for them either.

As a single mom, why would you assume that she would not understand your need to not hang out. She does not get the relief from a custody agreement.

That is what I am talking about. It is not a single parent thing. It is "I spent so much time these past 2 weeks navigating my ex trying to parent my child, I really don't have the emotional energy to deal with the fact you think I need to clean my toilet bowl, which is the only dirty spot in my apt. Or to negotiate us cooming dinner at my place when I told you 10 times I can't eat onions. I am out of negotiating this week."

You have serious baby-mama drama and possible personality quirks. No one, divorced, or otherwise, will want to deal with that.

That’s unkind, but she does not seem to have the time to date. She shouldn’t pretend to the world she has the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I'm in that demographic: with kid, never married. Does the stigma apply the same if the woman had a child in a long term relationship and chose not to get married? Is it really so much better to have been in a short marriage that failed? My daughter's dad proposed but we really had a hard time getting along and decided we better fix our differences before tying the knot. Well, we never did find peaceful ground and finally split after 5 years.

Your situation is different from OP's situation. While you weren't married, you did live with the father of your child, have to coparent with that person, go through all the disagreements with that person, and then had to decide whether or not to end the relationship while gauging how that would impact your child. And you're still stuck coparenting with that person after the relationship ends. You may or may not have had property together. Some unmarried couples do.

OP hasn't gone through any of that. And her responses to pp's indicate that she doesn't understand what goes into that kind of relationship, where there's a kid involved between two people.

I'm not saying it's a bad thing. Just as a divorced person with kid and dating, I just sometimes don't want to deal with people who have no idea what a good number of us went through. I don't have time to let you make me feel bad about why I can't hang out tonight. Or about why I don't want to be exclusive after a month. Or about anything else you should already get. And there are some divorced people with kids who also don't get it. I don't have time for them either.

As a single mom, why would you assume that she would not understand your need to not hang out. She does not get the relief from a custody agreement.

That is what I am talking about. It is not a single parent thing. It is "I spent so much time these past 2 weeks navigating my ex trying to parent my child, I really don't have the emotional energy to deal with the fact you think I need to clean my toilet bowl, which is the only dirty spot in my apt. Or to negotiate us cooming dinner at my place when I told you 10 times I can't eat onions. I am out of negotiating this week."

You have serious baby-mama drama and possible personality quirks. No one, divorced, or otherwise, will want to deal with that.

That’s unkind, but she does not seem to have the time to date. She shouldn’t pretend to the world she has the time.

I took it as a guy not being able to manage his custody agreement with his ex. It works both ways. Still, the point stands, a divorced person without the drama in their life will not "understand" your drama.

[Anonymous]

I am a divorced female, 50s, 2 kids in elementary school and I don't date men who are divorced or who have children. I don't want the drama. Kids and Exs mean drama.

I am not planning on ever getting married again so my choice. Since I am not looking for a husband and only dating for fun, it just isn't worth it to me when there are lots of people without the baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced female, 50s, 2 kids in elementary school and I don't date men who are divorced or who have children. I don't want the drama. Kids and Exs mean drama.

I am not planning on ever getting married again so my choice. Since I am not looking for a husband and only dating for fun, it just isn't worth it to me when there are lots of people without the baggage.

Are there a lot of people who want to date you with your "baggage"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a divorced female, 50s, 2 kids in elementary school and I don't date men who are divorced or who have children. I don't want the drama. Kids and Exs mean drama.

I am not planning on ever getting married again so my choice. Since I am not looking for a husband and only dating for fun, it just isn't worth it to me when there are lots of people without the baggage.

Are there a lot of people who want to date you with your "baggage"?

Yes. Lots of men who want to date for fun and not for LTR/marriage. My ex and I have 50/50 custody. My kids don’t know I date and they never meet my dates including my current bf who I’ve been seeing for 6+ months.