niece fishing for gifts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - to clarify a couple of points that seem to be causing people a bit of heartburn....

As for the second-hand/hand-me-down items.... We sent four medium-sized moving boxes full of second-hand stuff in new or like-new condition - including a wifi enabled video monitor system, bouncer, diaper pail, baby tub, and an infant car seat that we used only twice. We also included a boatload of clothes, bottles, baby proofing items, etc. Some of these items were given to us and never even opened so they were in their original packaging. We didn't send her a box of some crappy, overwashed, stained onesies.

Second.... My other niece (with whom I have a close relationship), planned the shower and sent the invites. She knew what we had sent our pregnant niece. (She asked what we sent so they wouldn't need to put those items on the registry.) It would have been her decision not to send us the registry info, not the mother's.

The mother was not in a position to use the shower as a gift-grab as she wasn't invited, but I also would not be surprised if she were encouraging my pregnant niece to ask for more now. My former SIL is deeply emotionally disturbed and my pregnant niece, who was the oldest child still at home when the marriage fell apart, struggles with their boundaries the most. Now, I agree with the pps who said not to overthink it and I've chosen to think the best. However, if you knew the history, it would not surprise you that anyone might be suspicious - cold medicine and flu notwithstanding.

It’s interesting to send her piles of miscellaneous things that you didn’t use - even if it’s still in the packaging - but you stillsend your niece a proper baby gift as well. You have the resources - stop talking to strangers and trying to justify your behavior - and look up her rwgistry and send her something from it. Or a gift card.

Is this a generational thing? I don't understand the entitled attitude. When I had twins, the best gifts I got were exactly what op described. One of my dh's coworkers packaged up a lot of their used/barely used items. They were useful, practical items. My pregnant nanny spent her time being upset that no one had bought the cute, I kid you not, strawberry bikini with terry cover up for an infant off of her registry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - to clarify a couple of points that seem to be causing people a bit of heartburn....

As for the second-hand/hand-me-down items.... We sent four medium-sized moving boxes full of second-hand stuff in new or like-new condition - including a wifi enabled video monitor system, bouncer, diaper pail, baby tub, and an infant car seat that we used only twice. We also included a boatload of clothes, bottles, baby proofing items, etc. Some of these items were given to us and never even opened so they were in their original packaging. We didn't send her a box of some crappy, overwashed, stained onesies.

Second.... My other niece (with whom I have a close relationship), planned the shower and sent the invites. She knew what we had sent our pregnant niece. (She asked what we sent so they wouldn't need to put those items on the registry.) It would have been her decision not to send us the registry info, not the mother's.

The mother was not in a position to use the shower as a gift-grab as she wasn't invited, but I also would not be surprised if she were encouraging my pregnant niece to ask for more now. My former SIL is deeply emotionally disturbed and my pregnant niece, who was the oldest child still at home when the marriage fell apart, struggles with their boundaries the most. Now, I agree with the pps who said not to overthink it and I've chosen to think the best. However, if you knew the history, it would not surprise you that anyone might be suspicious - cold medicine and flu notwithstanding.

It’s interesting to send her piles of miscellaneous things that you didn’t use - even if it’s still in the packaging - but you stillsend your niece a proper baby gift as well. You have the resources - stop talking to strangers and trying to justify your behavior - and look up her rwgistry and send her something from it. Or a gift card.

Is this a generational thing? I don't understand the entitled attitude. When I had twins, the best gifts I got were exactly what op described. One of my dh's coworkers packaged up a lot of their used/barely used items. They were useful, practical items. My pregnant nanny spent her time being upset that no one had bought the cute, I kid you not, strawberry bikini with terry cover up for an infant off of her registry.

You should reread this and think about where your own entitlement lies.

[Anonymous]

I would just assume that she liked the items you sent her so she wanted your feedback on the other items she's considering. She probably thinks you have good taste/judgement on baby stuffed based on what you sent her (OR you are the person who has had kids most recently) so she just wants your opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - to clarify a couple of points that seem to be causing people a bit of heartburn....

As for the second-hand/hand-me-down items.... We sent four medium-sized moving boxes full of second-hand stuff in new or like-new condition - including a wifi enabled video monitor system, bouncer, diaper pail, baby tub, and an infant car seat that we used only twice. We also included a boatload of clothes, bottles, baby proofing items, etc. Some of these items were given to us and never even opened so they were in their original packaging. We didn't send her a box of some crappy, overwashed, stained onesies.

Second.... My other niece (with whom I have a close relationship), planned the shower and sent the invites. She knew what we had sent our pregnant niece. (She asked what we sent so they wouldn't need to put those items on the registry.) It would have been her decision not to send us the registry info, not the mother's.

The mother was not in a position to use the shower as a gift-grab as she wasn't invited, but I also would not be surprised if she were encouraging my pregnant niece to ask for more now. My former SIL is deeply emotionally disturbed and my pregnant niece, who was the oldest child still at home when the marriage fell apart, struggles with their boundaries the most. Now, I agree with the pps who said not to overthink it and I've chosen to think the best. However, if you knew the history, it would not surprise you that anyone might be suspicious - cold medicine and flu notwithstanding.

Ditto. Many young mothers seem to think that amount of $ spent on a baby gift bears a direct relationship to the concern for the child.




It’s interesting to send her piles of miscellaneous things that you didn’t use - even if it’s still in the packaging - but you stillsend your niece a proper baby gift as well. You have the resources - stop talking to strangers and trying to justify your behavior - and look up her rwgistry and send her something from it. Or a gift card.

Is this a generational thing? I don't understand the entitled attitude. When I had twins, the best gifts I got were exactly what op described. One of my dh's coworkers packaged up a lot of their used/barely used items. They were useful, practical items. My pregnant nanny spent her time being upset that no one had bought the cute, I kid you not, strawberry bikini with terry cover up for an infant off of her registry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a generational thing? I don't understand the entitled attitude. When I had twins, the best gifts I got were exactly what op described. One of my dh's coworkers packaged up a lot of their used/barely used items. They were useful, practical items. My pregnant nanny spent her time being upset that no one had bought the cute, I kid you not, strawberry bikini with terry cover up for an infant off of her registry.

OP here. Day 2 of the flu.

I'm not sure if it's generational. I can say that my niece and nephew-in-law (is that a word?) were super excited with what we sent. DH even spent an hour on the phone with them, helping them set up the video monitors and teaching them the features. Words like "cool" and "thank you so much" were used.

So, I think the folks on this thread who object so strongly to us sending new (in some cases, still in the packaging) and like-new condition items as presents simply object on principle to the concept of re-gifting. (Maybe?) That's my working theory. I suppose I could have returned these items to the store and then used the return money to buy something else or buy the same thing, but in a different box. But, I didn't send anything that I didn't think was super useful with our own LO. These weren't cast-offs. We also happened to have two of a lot of things (long story, but nothing unusual).

The only, and I mean ONLY, reason I thought the reach-out from my niece was so strange or a gift-grab was because it was so out of the blue for her to reach out for advice and because I know she's currently in the "on again" phase of her on-again/off-again relationship with her mother (my exSIL). My exSIL doesn't work, runs with a very rough crowd, and lives on her best friend's couch while openly engaging in an extramarital affair with her BF's husband. (This is why she was not invited to the shower.) She had a hard and troubled childhood - for which I have very deep compassion - but, unfortunately, has learned through those experiences to treat others in a dysfunctional and highly predatory way. She has frequently encouraged her kids to behave similarly.

In any case, as I said yesterday, until I get evidence otherwise, I've assumed the best. Sent my niece the advice she asked for.

[Anonymous]

You are very wise, OP

I am generous and love to give gifts but I really think you did what you had to do and that nothing else is expected.

Hope you'll feel better flu wise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a generational thing? I don't understand the entitled attitude. When I had twins, the best gifts I got were exactly what op described. One of my dh's coworkers packaged up a lot of their used/barely used items. They were useful, practical items. My pregnant nanny spent her time being upset that no one had bought the cute, I kid you not, strawberry bikini with terry cover up for an infant off of her registry.

OP here. Day 2 of the flu.

I'm not sure if it's generational. I can say that my niece and nephew-in-law (is that a word?) were super excited with what we sent. DH even spent an hour on the phone with them, helping them set up the video monitors and teaching them the features. Words like "cool" and "thank you so much" were used.

So, I think the folks on this thread who object so strongly to us sending new (in some cases, still in the packaging) and like-new condition items as presents simply object on principle to the concept of re-gifting. (Maybe?) That's my working theory. I suppose I could have returned these items to the store and then used the return money to buy something else or buy the same thing, but in a different box. But, I didn't send anything that I didn't think was super useful with our own LO. These weren't cast-offs. We also happened to have two of a lot of things (long story, but nothing unusual).

The only, and I mean ONLY, reason I thought the reach-out from my niece was so strange or a gift-grab was because it was so out of the blue for her to reach out for advice and because I know she's currently in the "on again" phase of her on-again/off-again relationship with her mother (my exSIL). My exSIL doesn't work, runs with a very rough crowd, and lives on her best friend's couch while openly engaging in an extramarital affair with her BF's husband. (This is why she was not invited to the shower.) She had a hard and troubled childhood - for which I have very deep compassion - but, unfortunately, has learned through those experiences to treat others in a dysfunctional and highly predatory way. She has frequently encouraged her kids to behave similarly.

In any case, as I said yesterday, until I get evidence otherwise, I've assumed the best. Sent my niece the advice she asked for.

OP, I don't think it's particularly surprising that she's back in touch with her mother. She's about to have her first child and most people, no matter how toxic their mother may be, want their mother to be involved. She may also be hoping that the new grandchild will somehow fix her mother (lord knows I've seen enough of that kind of thinking in my messed up extended family). So I wouldn't necessarily assume the worst about her being back in touch with her mom. Yes, your former SIL may be a real piece of dog doo but that's still your niece's mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP, I don't think it's particularly surprising that she's back in touch with her mother. She's about to have her first child and most people, no matter how toxic their mother may be, want their mother to be involved. She may also be hoping that the new grandchild will somehow fix her mother (lord knows I've seen enough of that kind of thinking in my messed up extended family). So I wouldn't necessarily assume the worst about her being back in touch with her mom. Yes, your former SIL may be a real piece of dog doo but that's still your niece's mom.

OP here. I agree with you completely. I mean, totally. We do not speak ill of my SIL in public, and especially not to her kids, and we include her in family events when possible. (The shower was tricky. The niece who threw the shower is married to a relative of the best friend whose husband is having the affair with my exSIL. My niece's husband did not want my exSIL in his house, which is his right. I know. It sounds like an episode of One Life to Live.) In any case, while we won't badmouth her and we try to help her kids find a way to be in contact with her in ways that are healthy (or at least less harmful), we often find that her kids struggle the most to make good decisions in their own lives when their mother is a stronger influence.