niece fishing for gifts?

[Anonymous]

Our niece is 19, married, and having her first child. They don't have a lot of money. We've already sent them a bunch of second-hand baby gear and clothes (all unused new or like-new). We were not invited to the shower, but it was in another state and we definitely would have been asked if we were closer. I was a little surprised that we didn't at least receive a link to the registry but we had sent them a lot of stuff (albeit second-hand) and maybe they thought it was sufficient?

Today I get an e-mail from the niece, out of the blue, asking for my advice on a certain item of baby gear and including links to three options. She has never asked my advice before on anything and we don't usually communicate directly, though I have a very good relationship with one of her closest siblings, who asks for advice frequently (usually on family dynamics, never on what to buy). I add this only to add context that might reasonably explain the change in behavior, not because I want to humblebrag or anything.

If it matters, we are the only folks in the family with financial resources. Most of the family are decent, but a few treat us like the family checkbook. Our niece's mother is a major player in that second group. Her relationship with her kids is difficult and frequently strained, but the niece who asked for advice out of the blue is probably the most susceptible to her mother's "guidance."

As I'm home sick with the flu, I've nothing to do but ruminate about this odd inquiry in between Dayquil shooters and fevered naps. Should I be buying this niece one of these things she's sent me or is this a "family checkbook" situation that I should not encourage?

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's not a secret plan, maybe she just wants advice?

[Anonymous]

I'd just answer with your advice and then not give it another thought. I would not buy one of them for her. Maybe her sibling said, "Ask Jess - she gives GREAT advice!" and the pregnant niece is overwhelmed with decision making so reached out to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just answer with your advice and then not give it another thought. I would not buy one of them for her. Maybe her sibling said, "Ask Jess - she gives GREAT advice!" and the pregnant niece is overwhelmed with decision making so reached out to you.

Also, I like to assume the best of everyone, until/unless they give me a concrete reason not to. She hasn't given you that reason.

[Anonymous]

You're totally overthinking this. Even IF she wanted you to buy this, she has said nothing of the sort. And if you are willing to buy something just because you think she wants you to buy it for her, then you're the butt of the problem in the family checkbook dilemma.

Give your advice (try not to suggest the most expensive option) and move on. If she asks you to buy it outright, then say "That won't be possible."

[Anonymous]

You said you were expecting to receive a link to the registry, and you imply that if you'd gotten the link you would have ordered her something. I would reframe this for yourself from "fishing for gifts" to "legitimately providing you with information you might what while not being pushy." Buy her something cute and feel good about it, don't let other greedy people in the family ruin your joy at giving her a gift or her joy at receiving it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd just answer with your advice and then not give it another thought. I would not buy one of them for her. Maybe her sibling said, "Ask Jess - she gives GREAT advice!" and the pregnant niece is overwhelmed with decision making so reached out to you.

OP here. I was wondering if the same thing happened - she's overwhelmed and thought it would be helpful to get another point of view.

I did give her the advice she asked for. I've just been sitting here second-guessing myself since then. Very likely just the flu talking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just answer with your advice and then not give it another thought. I would not buy one of them for her. Maybe her sibling said, "Ask Jess - she gives GREAT advice!" and the pregnant niece is overwhelmed with decision making so reached out to you.

OP here. I was wondering if the same thing happened - she's overwhelmed and thought it would be helpful to get another point of view.

I did give her the advice she asked for. I've just been sitting here second-guessing myself since then. Very likely just the flu talking.

Your flu should be quiet and watch some Netflix or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd just answer with your advice and then not give it another thought. I would not buy one of them for her. Maybe her sibling said, "Ask Jess - she gives GREAT advice!" and the pregnant niece is overwhelmed with decision making so reached out to you.

OP here. I was wondering if the same thing happened - she's overwhelmed and thought it would be helpful to get another point of view.

I did give her the advice she asked for. I've just been sitting here second-guessing myself since then. Very likely just the flu talking.

Your flu should be quiet and watch some Netflix or something.

Op here. YES! Or better yet, leave entirely....

[Anonymous]

If my niece was 19, married, pregnant and didn’t have a lot of money I would be getting her whatever I could buy that she wanted. Babies cost money. Diapers, wipes, clothing, bottles, etc... are necessities, not frivolous. I am overly generous to a fault and definitley go above and beyond, especially if others are in need. OP claims to have financial resources, why wouldn’t you help out by buying her a baby item? Asking about a baby item is different than fishing for money. Answer her question then ask what she is still missing off her registry that she really needs. Step up for the baby’s sake.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, you're overthinking it. She probably loves the hand me downs you sent her and thought "wow, auntie really knows her stuff on baby gear, she's got it all figured out! Maybe she knows something about XYZ that I've been eyeing and has some advice on what to look for. "

[Anonymous]

It’s not an odd inquiry and there’s really no benefit in ruminating. Offer your advice and not your money and move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my niece was 19, married, pregnant and didn’t have a lot of money I would be getting her whatever I could buy that she wanted. Babies cost money. Diapers, wipes, clothing, bottles, etc... are necessities, not frivolous. I am overly generous to a fault and definitley go above and beyond, especially if others are in need. OP claims to have financial resources, why wouldn’t you help out by buying her a baby item? Asking about a baby item is different than fishing for money. Answer her question then ask what she is still missing off her registry that she really needs. Step up for the baby’s sake.

Did you notice that you said giving is a fault of yours, and you do too much? That means something.

Did you notice OP already gave a ton of stuff? This woman is married. She made a CHOICE to begin a family. It is her responsibility (along with her spouse) to support said family. A gift is supposed to be simply a little something extra. This is not OP's responsibility. Shame on you for trying to guilt OP into giving more than she already has.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are feeling generous, go ahead and get her the one you would recommend. But if you feel you've given enough, then don't. You'll never know her true intentions unless you ask her, and I assume you don't plan on doing that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you are feeling generous, go ahead and get her the one you would recommend. But if you feel you've given enough, then don't. You'll never know her true intentions unless you ask her, and I assume you don't plan on doing that.

OP already WAS generous. At what point has she done enough?