Is it weird that I don’t want to change my last name?

[Anonymous]

I changed mine because "my" name is my first name, the one my parents patiently and lovingly picked out for me. My last name is something passed down from some slaveowner so who the hell cared about that? Keep yours, change it, nobody's going to care these days.

[Anonymous]

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those women that did not change their names, what do you end up using for your kids' last name?

My kids have my husband’s last name. Many of my friends didn’t change their names and all the kids from these marriages have taken the husband’s name, which is definitely interesting.

why?

Because why is it a given that the kids will get the father’s last name? Women who keep their last name are clearly bucking tradition so why do very few of these women take it the logical step further and at least have a conversation about what last name the kids should have.

We did have a conversation about what last name the kids should have. We decided that they would have my husband's last name, and I got to choose first and middle names. Personally, I think I got the better of that bargain.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s weird all the people who say women who don’t change their name are choosing their fathers name over their husbands. Somehow the husband has ownership of his name and it’s not a case of it being his fathers name.)

It seems like you believe women have no agency, they just borrow a name from the closest male relative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I took DH's name. Most of my friends took their husband's name. We are all educated, upper middle class women. Most of my friends from college (Ivy league if you must know) took their husband's name as well. I actually read not long ago that the rising generation of young women are more likely to take the husband's name compared to my particular generation (I am 37). I don't know how true it is. I personally have no strong feelings on the subject because a last name is just a last name, and my maiden name was my father's name, not my mother's, so I wasn't fussed about making a point.

But, and I reiterate this, but, no one really cares. Just do what you want to do. If you are judged then that says much about the person judging you, not you.

It always amazes me when people say "well my last name was my father's name" as if that means something, or makes your name less meaningful. However you got it, your last name was YOUR name. The one you used throughout your whole childhood and through to early/mid adulthood (depending on how old you were when you got married).

If you wanted to change your name because you didn't like it, or your father deeply hurt you and you wanted to cut all symbolic ties with your father for some reason, then just say that. But don't act like your name wasn't that important because it happened to be the name your father has/had. That just sounds ridiculous.

And actually, despite "not wanting to make a point", you did make a point. You were the one who actually took action and changed your own name from what it always was to your husband's name. That says a lot more about you than you seem to think. I think it's the women who keep their own name after getting married who aren't making a point.

I never got the "it was your father's name" thing, either. Why is a man's last name his own (even though he got it from his father) but a woman's last name isn't? My last name is MY last name, I've had it since I was born. It's as much my name as my husband's name is his name. And I didn't see a single reason to change MY name when I got married. It wouldn't make me more married, or more a family. It would be more effort to change it than not to. It has caused zero problems even having kids with a different last name (I am the poster whose husband wanted to give the kids his last name, so I got to choose their first and middle names.)

[Anonymous]

When I was younger, I figured I would change my last name if I got a better one out of it. I like my last name but the spelling is one letter off from a more common way to spell it, and it is NEVER spelled correctly. So if I had the chance to become "Jones" or "Smith" or something easy, I might take it.

That said, now that I'm 45, I am pretty settled in my name. Changing it sounds like a huge pain. Also, I hope the man I'd marry would be evolved enough not to care either way.

If I were married to John Smith and someone called me Mrs. Smith, I wouldn't correct them. And I'd be fine with being part of the Smith family, even though my name isn't technically Smith. I might add it to my facebook profile.

[Anonymous]

I didnt' change my name. When we were having kids, DH and I discussed which last name they would have. He was open to either one. Ultimately we chose his because he has an older child and we wanted the kids to have the same last name. But really we could have gone either way

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently got married and have discovered that I like my name as is and do not want to change my last name. I just feel like I want to preserve my identity and not disappear into being a “wife.” I’m also low key struggling with how loaded the term “wife” is. It reminds me of sacrifice and loss of independence and identity...is that weird?

Not weird. I have been married 23 years and didn’t change my name. Neither did DH’s two sisters. NBD.

[Anonymous]

There are some black women who change their names to their husband's name and give their children their husband's name because of the stereotype of baby mamas/kids of out wedlock etc. White women weren't usually painted as whores who had children without benefit of marriage when they keep their names, and as such have had "options" when it came to changing their name or keeping their name.

My mother would never have considered keeping her last name and ever having someone think she was unmarried when she had us. I have two last names and so do my kids because we wanted them to have my name and my husband's name and, if I am honest, the baby mama thing was there in my mind, too. My children will likely decide to do something different than we did. Times, they are a'changin'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some black women who change their names to their husband's name and give their children their husband's name because of the stereotype of baby mamas/kids of out wedlock etc. White women weren't usually painted as whores who had children without benefit of marriage when they keep their names, and as such have had "options" when it came to changing their name or keeping their name.

My mother would never have considered keeping her last name and ever having someone think she was unmarried when she had us. I have two last names and so do my kids because we wanted them to have my name and my husband's name and, if I am honest, the baby mama thing was there in my mind, too. My children will likely decide to do something different than we did. Times, they are a'changin'.

+1

I'm in academe where it is actually UNCOMMON for women to change their name. My field leans very left/feminist and authored papers are a significant part of your professional identity, women just keep their names, use terms like "partners",etc. . That said, the black women in my program who later got married (including myself) have used are husband's last name, at least socially. I have not seen this with a single one of the white women who were in our grad program and later married. Having a different name from your mother in the community in which I was raised wasn't because your mother had her own professional identity or progressive views about retaining "her" name. It was just understood that she wasn't married to your father. I imagine this may have been the experience of some of my black female colleagues. To be clear many black women academics don't change their name but name changing is much more common than among our white counterparts.

I actually legally changed my name but that also had to do with my relationship with my father. I wanted a new start in a symbolic sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s weird all the people who say women who don’t change their name are choosing their fathers name over their husbands. Somehow the husband has ownership of his name and it’s not a case of it being his fathers name.)

It seems like you believe women have no agency, they just borrow a name from the closest male relative.

Exactly.
My husband was adopted, so that's not his "real" name anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some black women who change their names to their husband's name and give their children their husband's name because of the stereotype of baby mamas/kids of out wedlock etc. White women weren't usually painted as whores who had children without benefit of marriage when they keep their names, and as such have had "options" when it came to changing their name or keeping their name.

My mother would never have considered keeping her last name and ever having someone think she was unmarried when she had us. I have two last names and so do my kids because we wanted them to have my name and my husband's name and, if I am honest, the baby mama thing was there in my mind, too. My children will likely decide to do something different than we did. Times, they are a'changin'.

My MIL had this reaction when I didn't change my name. She had the conversation privately with my DH, but her thought pattern was...a woman changing her last name is a point of pride, a sign that you have been lucky enough to get married and are "taken" (and the unspoken implication is...no one will think you are, gasp, single).

[Anonymous]

Kept my last name because it's mine and I was an established person when I got married. Gave the kids my husband's last name because it is a beautiful name. If my last name had been nicer sounding than his, I might have made an issue of it. Absolutely no issues having a different last name than my husband and kids. I get called Mrs. Husband's Name often enough, and he gets called Mr. My Last Name all the time, and it just doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really old fashioned to change your name. Not surprising you don’t want to.

82% change their name legally, many keep their maiden name professionally. Please don't hyphen your name - the ultimate dumb compromise.

Tons of my friends did this. But I agree with you.

I kept my last name. When I had our first kid, I gave my DH a choice in last names. Kids could have my last name or they could have a hyphenated last name. He chose the hyphenated last name. I understand that doesn't work for you two but I don't know why you haven't learned by now what works for you doesn't work for others.

[Anonymous]

Not changing mine