How important is a woman's career to finding a mate?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, when I was dating I didn't even consider careers. I dated teachers, grocery checkers, MD student, an attorney and a sales person. And, I went went with the sales person not because of her career but because I was more attracted to her and liked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'll say this to sum it up...in 80% of America between the coasts, a woman's career/earnings doesn't matter much. In HCOL cities, like DC, it matters a lot.

Funny, no other dad in my neighborhood in NoVA, nor any of my friends, married our wives based on her income. I didn't either. It was looks, personality, stuff like that. After you've bought a house, then you start making assumptions about her paycheck being there, and yours.

But if you had the choice of looks, personality, AND a good paycheck, that trifecta would of course be the better option, wouldn't it? After all, marriage at its roots, and especially nowadays, is just a financial partnership. As far as buying a house, we have a mortgage at 3x of one of our salaries...not BOTH. Like I said, life is easier if you plan for it to be that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'll say this to sum it up...in 80% of America between the coasts, a woman's career/earnings doesn't matter much. In HCOL cities, like DC, it matters a lot.

Funny, no other dad in my neighborhood in NoVA, nor any of my friends, married our wives based on her income. I didn't either. It was looks, personality, stuff like that. After you've bought a house, then you start making assumptions about her paycheck being there, and yours.

But if you had the choice of looks, personality, AND a good paycheck, that trifecta would of course be the better option, wouldn't it? After all, marriage at its roots, and especially nowadays, is just a financial partnership. As far as buying a house, we have a mortgage at 3x of one of our salaries...not BOTH. Like I said, life is easier if you plan for it to be that way.

I don't have my choice of looks, personality, and paycheck. Many or most people don't .
No, marriage is not primarily a financial partnership. (Been married.)
No, life is not going according to plan. I'm on plan C or maybe D overall .

[Anonymous]

Lot's of insightful comments on this thread.

OP, for you in particular, I tend to agree that working 6 days a week is probably the thing that is making your dating life difficult or impossible.

Also, what kind of company are you while working that many hours? Are you high strung and stressed? (I sure would be...)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here. My wife was a lawyer, now has been a SAHM for 10 years. She has no intention of going back. I don't care what she does, as long as she is happy. Her "career" means zero to me, her happiness and the stability and happiness of our family is all that matters.

+1

And do you earn enough to support the household? I bet you do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lot's of insightful comments on this thread.

OP, for you in particular, I tend to agree that working 6 days a week is probably the thing that is making your dating life difficult or impossible.

Also, what kind of company are you while working that many hours? Are you high strung and stressed? (I sure would be...)

OP here : I like what I do, but yes I’m very stressed. I don’t think of myself as high strung. I think I do a good job of hiding my stress. People comment on how I’m always smiling and they like that about me. I don’t have a choice about the hours. I’m not dating and I have drink sometimes a lot and take benzos ( I know it’s not a good combo) to wind down at the end of each day. I can’t sleep otherwise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I find it breath taking how many women feel owning a vagina gives them the option of working.

When YOU give birth and breastfeed, then YOU are entitled to have the option of working OUTSIDE of the home, since you are ALREADY are doing a full-time job, at home. My DH feels my vagina gives me the option to be a SAHM, but that's why he is my DH. And why we are HAPPILY MARRIED. (and he gets plenty of sex)

So yeah, btdt. Funny how you think I'm a man. Having a child doesn't entitle women to a life of dependency on a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I find it breath taking how many women feel owning a vagina gives them the option of working.

When YOU give birth and breastfeed, then YOU are entitled to have the option of working OUTSIDE of the home, since you are ALREADY are doing a full-time job, at home. My DH feels my vagina gives me the option to be a SAHM, but that's why he is my DH. And why we are HAPPILY MARRIED. (and he gets plenty of sex)

So yeah, btdt. Funny how you think I'm a man. Having a child doesn't entitle women to a life of dependency on a man.

It certainly doesn't entitle them, but can you blame them for wanting it? As long as there is enough money it tends to work nicely for the whole family. Hi COL cities are the problem with the model, otherwise there is nothing inherently wrong with it.

[Anonymous]

Unless you are looking to be a SAHD , men do not care about a women’s resumes and career. Most men do not think about how much money a woman makes and think they make more money vs a women ...otherwise the men would question why they are the ones spending all the money when dating. This is why so many high income women have problem dating. OP is fairly typical and people should back off. It’s her husband fault that she has to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Many men don't care what you do as long as you are contributing constructively to the household. So a SAH mother who is caring for the children and home is constructive. A SAH wife who is only working part-time especially if you are outsourcing some of the work such as housecleaning, yard service, paying for grocery delivery, etc is not constructive and is frustrating to a spouse. I've known a few friend-couples who had this problem. The husband made a good living and income, and the wife made no real effort to work or take care of the house, didn't pursue more training/college to be more qualified. Those wives are now ex-wives. Conversely I've known couples who had similar situations where the wife took household management seriously, kept a well run home, meals provides, house clean, home stocked and did a combination of part time and volunteer work that kept them busy and constructive and are still married. So, it really isn't the income or career that matters, but that the partner isn't just living easy and taking a free ride.

I'd also add "and is realistic about the limitations of their choices."

So a SAHM who realizes a move to some wild place like Frederick is in order to support her desired lifestyle, yes. A WOHM who isn't constantly moaning about spending more time with the kids (beyond a certain low level which all people do, of course), yes. But a SAHM who spends like she's still working, is complaining about your longer hours; or a WOHM who's always complaining about daycare pickups? No.

I will also argue that a lot of guys who make megabucks are fine with their wives working but aren't the biggest fans of having to curtail *their* workstyles. For example, if DH is a law partner or other 60-hour a week job, it won't fly if he's gotta leave at 4pm to pick up the kids from daycare (exception of the wife being actually sick.) Now if a guy is working 60-hour workweeks but isn't bringing in the $$$ to hire help, then he's getting played by his job, things are really falling apart, or he's having an affair.

Guys are like that too. Some guys expect a WOHM $$$ with SAHM service, and that ain't happening. I had a neighbor who seemed that way once.

[Anonymous]

Zero per cent important. I didn't graduate college until my late twenties and worked as a bartender until I did. I dated a lawyer, an architect, a guy in finance, a guy in the defense industry- accomplished professionals with advanced degrees. I came from an UMC background, was intelligent, interesting, funny and (probably most importantly, unfortunately) hot. Hot is mostly what men care about - truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Zero per cent important. I didn't graduate college until my late twenties and worked as a bartender until I did. I dated a lawyer, an architect, a guy in finance, a guy in the defense industry- accomplished professionals with advanced degrees. I came from an UMC background, was intelligent, interesting, funny and (probably most importantly, unfortunately) hot. Hot is mostly what men care about - truth.

The most successful, intelligent men I know are married to super attractive women with minimal or low career ambitions. The common theme in all these marriages is that the woman is very good looking, socially well presented and a great mom. High achieving men are looking for an attractive woman to compliment them, not compete with them.

[Anonymous]

It matters a little bit the higher up you go in social class.

Men from old money, well established, elite families will be a little picky in searching for a bride. She will have to have come from a "good family." She doesn't need to be a Rockerfeller but her parents must at least have attained upper middle class respectability. She doesn't need tp be a chemical engineer but work in a prestigious low stress career such as being an interior decorator, select nonprofits and charities, event planning and academia.

They would be loathe to date a trailer park redneck no matter how hot she is.

[Anonymous]

I make enough money. Could not give less of a shit.

[Anonymous]

I would guess most men don't care. My husband does, not because he's $ crazy, but because he's sort of achievement-status focused (not my favorite feature of him but he has many other good qualities). I met him when I was a 1L in law school and he was in grad school, and he recommended that I transfer to a better law school. He also subsequently recommended that I not leave DOJ and transfer to another agency, even when the DOJ hours were causing me to feel like I was going to have a nervous breakdown (I did leave).