I used a surrogate - AMA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are thoughts generally on higher risk of autism/mental/behavioral special needs in children carried by gestational surrogates, in terms of an immune response by the uterus to a foreign embryo causing issues? Normally just the male half of the embryo is foreign to the mother, but in a gestational surrogate situation, the entire embryo is foreign (i.e. non-self), and from what I've read, it seems that that can cause a higher risk of autism/neurological and behavioral special needs.

I think you made this up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the huge income disparity, and difference in socioeconomic status, was it difficult to relate to your GC? Also, it has always struck me as a bit unfair that in the grand scheme of things, the GC gets such a small percentage of the costs associated with Surrogacy. Did she ever seem resentful about this? Would you have preferred to work with someone who was doing it purely for altruistic reasons? Do you feel like the money made a difference to her family?

NP. they said upthread that GC got more than her annual salary plus expenses paid. She probably doesn't know how much the agency/attorney makes on each match. Which is about half of the amount. How did you come up with "such a small percentage"?

I'm the PP. if you look at the agency fee, legal fees, cost of IVF, etc, the GC is only getting like 1/4 of the total expenses. I'm looking into using a carrier myself and I feel really bad that the woman who actually carries my child will end up getting relatively little. I'm actually hoping to match independently so that I can pay the GC a better compensation instead of spending that on agency fees.

Huh? Their compensation is hardly insignificant. Also, would not recommend going independently. Strongly recommend against it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With the huge income disparity, and difference in socioeconomic status, was it difficult to relate to your GC? Also, it has always struck me as a bit unfair that in the grand scheme of things, the GC gets such a small percentage of the costs associated with Surrogacy. Did she ever seem resentful about this? Would you have preferred to work with someone who was doing it purely for altruistic reasons? Do you feel like the money made a difference to her family?

The surrogate made 28k over the course of 9 months + her hourly wage job?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are thoughts generally on higher risk of autism/mental/behavioral special needs in children carried by gestational surrogates, in terms of an immune response by the uterus to a foreign embryo causing issues? Normally just the male half of the embryo is foreign to the mother, but in a gestational surrogate situation, the entire embryo is foreign (i.e. non-self), and from what I've read, it seems that that can cause a higher risk of autism/neurological and behavioral special needs.

I think you made this up.

+1
Can you cite your sources, PP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are thoughts generally on higher risk of autism/mental/behavioral special needs in children carried by gestational surrogates, in terms of an immune response by the uterus to a foreign embryo causing issues? Normally just the male half of the embryo is foreign to the mother, but in a gestational surrogate situation, the entire embryo is foreign (i.e. non-self), and from what I've read, it seems that that can cause a higher risk of autism/neurological and behavioral special needs.

I think you made this up.

+1
Can you cite your sources, PP?

+100. I would love to see a source on this. This logic would would render higher incidences of autism in donor egg and embryo children as well.

[Anonymous]

In hindsight was it good that you were emotionally involved with the GC? Or would it have been easier if it had just been a simple business transaction with no relationship? Do you feel that the compensation made a difference in the quality of life for the GC's family? How many embryo transfers did it take before she got pregnant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In hindsight was it good that you were emotionally involved with the GC? Or would it have been easier if it had just been a simple business transaction with no relationship? Do you feel that the compensation made a difference in the quality of life for the GC's family? How many embryo transfers did it take before she got pregnant?

It was pretty easy on me emotionally. I think it was easier for her knowing me and DH well. I wish that I had spent more time with her during her pregnancy, but overall it was very smooth.

Yes, I absolutely feel that the compensation made a difference in their quality of life. There was no question that although her heart wanted to help another couple, she really needed/wanted the money. It's very easy - especially on DCUM - to get wrapped up in our generally extravagant lifestyles. Other than my GC, none of my close friends earn an hourly wage. I don't know exactly how much she earns, but I think it was about $15/hr. Her kids' activities - dance, summer camp, karate, soccer - were about $5k/year. That's about 2+ months wages for her. Plus, she gets a paid (well deserved) maternity leave. I totally understand her desire to give her kids these opportunities.

We were lucky that we had success with one PGS tested embryo. She did, however, do a mock transfer as one would do with a FET.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the huge income disparity, and difference in socioeconomic status, was it difficult to relate to your GC? Also, it has always struck me as a bit unfair that in the grand scheme of things, the GC gets such a small percentage of the costs associated with Surrogacy. Did she ever seem resentful about this? Would you have preferred to work with someone who was doing it purely for altruistic reasons? Do you feel like the money made a difference to her family?

NP. they said upthread that GC got more than her annual salary plus expenses paid. She probably doesn't know how much the agency/attorney makes on each match. Which is about half of the amount. How did you come up with "such a small percentage"?

I'm the PP. if you look at the agency fee, legal fees, cost of IVF, etc, the GC is only getting like 1/4 of the total expenses. I'm looking into using a carrier myself and I feel really bad that the woman who actually carries my child will end up getting relatively little. I'm actually hoping to match independently so that I can pay the GC a better compensation instead of spending that on agency fees.

Huh? Their compensation is hardly insignificant. Also, would not recommend going independently. Strongly recommend against it.

It's not insignificant, it's expensive and unaffordable for many couples who would otherwise use surrogacy. It's just that all other parts of the process are very expensive too.
IVF has to be done regardless, if there is IF, you need that either with OE or DE to get embryos. So I would not count this cost towards the cost of surrogacy per se.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are thoughts generally on higher risk of autism/mental/behavioral special needs in children carried by gestational surrogates, in terms of an immune response by the uterus to a foreign embryo causing issues? Normally just the male half of the embryo is foreign to the mother, but in a gestational surrogate situation, the entire embryo is foreign (i.e. non-self), and from what I've read, it seems that that can cause a higher risk of autism/neurological and behavioral special needs.

I think you made this up.

+1
Can you cite your sources, PP?

+100. I would love to see a source on this. This logic would would render higher incidences of autism in donor egg and embryo children as well.

Agreed - your logic is flawed on a few levels. First we would see something similar with women who use donor eggs and donor embryos (as PP said). Second, the uterus is comprised of immune cells that more easily recognize genetics that are dissimilar from our own and in most people take steps to protect and allow implantation of the embryo. The realm of transplant immunology actually shows that tissues like the cornea and the uterus the prefer genetic material that is not like our own. But for organs like kidneys the body will only accept similar genetic material. Since I won't ask for something I can't deliver, this article talks about such tissues as being "immune privileged". This is also related to why women with many HLA matches with their husband have a hard time staying (or getting) pregnant.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3448293/

[Anonymous]

Were you able to use her health insurance to cover pregnancy and delivery costs? What kind of insurance did she have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were you able to use her health insurance to cover pregnancy and delivery costs? What kind of insurance did she have?

NP. We are paying for a policy for our GC that covers surrogacy pregnancies. Our agency helped her find the plan. Her original insurance would not have covered this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Were you able to use her health insurance to cover pregnancy and delivery costs? What kind of insurance did she have?

NP. We are paying for a policy for our GC that covers surrogacy pregnancies. Our agency helped her find the plan. Her original insurance would not have covered this.

This is OP. We were lucky in that our GC did have her own insurance. Her policy had a high deductible so we did have to pay for a lot of things out of pocket before we were able to meet the deductible, but after that the costs were taken care of. She was also able to utilize her maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

I've heard that lots of enlisted military wives are doing this to supplement their incomes, especially while husbands are gone on missions. It's quite hard for such military wives to develop careers as they move pretty often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've heard that lots of enlisted military wives are doing this to supplement their incomes, especially while husbands are gone on missions. It's quite hard for such military wives to develop careers as they move pretty often.

That is correct. The GC who carried my relative's child was a Marine wife, and their health insurance covers surrogacy.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting this! We're just starting our journey so it was really helpful to read all of this info.