I used a surrogate - AMA

[Anonymous]

I'm interested in being a surrogate one day, simply because I love being pregnant and I want to help mothers. I did IVF for my own child so I know what the process is like and how gut wrenching the whole infertility and trying to have a kid thing can be so I want to help. Would potential Intentional Parents ever be interested in that or would they definitely prefer to go through agencies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long did it take Meryl to match you?

Although it felt like an eternity, it was really only about 4 months. It's kind of like a dating service, the intended couple has to match perfectly with the surrogate or gestational carrier and vice versa. This includes beliefs on early termination and other potential medical emergencies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm interested in being a surrogate one day, simply because I love being pregnant and I want to help mothers. I did IVF for my own child so I know what the process is like and how gut wrenching the whole infertility and trying to have a kid thing can be so I want to help. Would potential Intentional Parents ever be interested in that or would they definitely prefer to go through agencies?

This is so incredible of you - even if you like being pregnant. It's such an act of kindness and love.

There are certain criteria for carriers and every clinic/agency/attorney has their own. For example, carriers have to have completed their own family, complete a battery of tests and exams, etc. Also, in our contract we had to pay for our own attorney as well as one for the GC.

I would encourage you to pursue this if this is truly something you are interested in. There are so many people looking for surrogates. I think you would find a lot of interested intended parents.

[Anonymous]

Did you feel you could trust your GC early on in the relationship? Or did it take a long time before you felt comfortable with the idea that she would be carrying your child for 9 months?

Is there anything you wish you had done differently? Was there ever any awkwardness about finances?

[Anonymous]

Did you ever feel fiercely jealous of your surrogate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you feel you could trust your GC early on in the relationship? Or did it take a long time before you felt comfortable with the idea that she would be carrying your child for 9 months?

Is there anything you wish you had done differently? Was there ever any awkwardness about finances?

I felt like I could trust her, but the relationship was awkward at times. I did try to spend a lot of time with her initially before the transfer so I could *read* her more, and that helped develop the trust. At first, I was hesitant to meet her family but now I am happy that I did. They each played a part in her pregnancy and I am so grateful to all of them.

It's just hard when you are entrusting your child in someone else's hands, and you are an A type personality. I was particularly curious about her eating habits. She really didn't have the money to eat healthy and I wanted to make sure that she was able to. I ended up sending boxes of food to her family - fruits, meats, etc. I also sent her a cake on her birthday.

I wish I hadn't waited as long as I did before going through the process. I had to work through my own issues before moving to this stage. I am with SG and they were encouraging, checking in with me periodically to see how I was doing. I appreciated that. It would have been easy to walk away from the entire process. In fact, that was probably the easier road to take. I'm happy that I plodded ahead.

No awkwardness with the finances - except with DH and I. It's a lot to spend. Our surrogate earns an hourly wage so to her this was an incredible windfall. Her dream is to have one of her children attend college. None of her friends or family attended. I tried to always be mindful of the financial differences between us.

[Anonymous]

What are thoughts generally on higher risk of autism/mental/behavioral special needs in children carried by gestational surrogates, in terms of an immune response by the uterus to a foreign embryo causing issues? Normally just the male half of the embryo is foreign to the mother, but in a gestational surrogate situation, the entire embryo is foreign (i.e. non-self), and from what I've read, it seems that that can cause a higher risk of autism/neurological and behavioral special needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever feel fiercely jealous of your surrogate?

No, not fiercely jealous. There were of course times when I wished that I was pregnancy myself, but that would just make me sad. I was always so grateful to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are thoughts generally on higher risk of autism/mental/behavioral special needs in children carried by gestational surrogates, in terms of an immune response by the uterus to a foreign embryo causing issues? Normally just the male half of the embryo is foreign to the mother, but in a gestational surrogate situation, the entire embryo is foreign (i.e. non-self), and from what I've read, it seems that that can cause a higher risk of autism/neurological and behavioral special needs.

I've seen so many articles on autism risks - gestational diabetes, older fathers, IVF in general, even hurricanes. I haven't seen anything that would dissuade me.

[Anonymous]

With the huge income disparity, and difference in socioeconomic status, was it difficult to relate to your GC? Also, it has always struck me as a bit unfair that in the grand scheme of things, the GC gets such a small percentage of the costs associated with Surrogacy. Did she ever seem resentful about this? Would you have preferred to work with someone who was doing it purely for altruistic reasons? Do you feel like the money made a difference to her family?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With the huge income disparity, and difference in socioeconomic status, was it difficult to relate to your GC? Also, it has always struck me as a bit unfair that in the grand scheme of things, the GC gets such a small percentage of the costs associated with Surrogacy. Did she ever seem resentful about this? Would you have preferred to work with someone who was doing it purely for altruistic reasons? Do you feel like the money made a difference to her family?

NP. they said upthread that GC got more than her annual salary plus expenses paid. She probably doesn't know how much the agency/attorney makes on each match. Which is about half of the amount. How did you come up with "such a small percentage"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hate to be blunt but what was the cash figure. We have done 3 rounds of IVF and we are willing to throw another 35k into "our struggle". Would this amount of money provide a surrogate opportunity? Im just now starting to mentally think about it as a real option and want to know if its even financially possible before I start researching too much.

So, of course, the amount to the surrogate can vary depending on several things, including if she has successfully carried an embryo that is not her own.

We already had *hopefully* viable embryos so this amount does not cover that cost.

To the surrogate - $28k.

To the attorney who found the surrogate - $22k.

Other incidentals/fees - $5k (roughly).

When I did my research, there were some agencies that I looked at and their costs were generally between $20 - $30k.

How much additional money did the IVF cost (total) to get the embryos?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:With the huge income disparity, and difference in socioeconomic status, was it difficult to relate to your GC? Also, it has always struck me as a bit unfair that in the grand scheme of things, the GC gets such a small percentage of the costs associated with Surrogacy. Did she ever seem resentful about this? Would you have preferred to work with someone who was doing it purely for altruistic reasons? Do you feel like the money made a difference to her family?

NP. they said upthread that GC got more than her annual salary plus expenses paid. She probably doesn't know how much the agency/attorney makes on each match. Which is about half of the amount. How did you come up with "such a small percentage"?

I'm the PP. if you look at the agency fee, legal fees, cost of IVF, etc, the GC is only getting like 1/4 of the total expenses. I'm looking into using a carrier myself and I feel really bad that the woman who actually carries my child will end up getting relatively little. I'm actually hoping to match independently so that I can pay the GC a better compensation instead of spending that on agency fees.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a great AMA. May I ask what some of he reasons were for NOT matching with other GCs during the 4 month period? Did you not like the previous profiles? Did the GC not like yours? Did your clinic reject the GC? What were some common reasons for failed matches?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is a great AMA. May I ask what some of he reasons were for NOT matching with other GCs during the 4 month period? Did you not like the previous profiles? Did the GC not like yours? Did your clinic reject the GC? What were some common reasons for failed matches?

My surrogate was actually the first and only one presented to me. I didn't get to look through a book of potential carriers. Our attorney called me one day to tell me that she had a potential match for us.

So, when you begin the process, each couple fills out a very detailed questionnaire. They asked about absolutely everything - us as a couple, our beliefs, various scenarios, etc. - it was kind of like a dating service. Then, they found the person who "matched" us. Our surrogate wanted certain things in a couple, and we met her wishes. As we spent time together, she told me some things that she had wanted in a potential couple (i.e. she wanted a family that already had a child because she thought it was less pressure on her in case things didn't work out).

As far as matching, I think it's like anything else in life, people have certain ideas or desires and they try their best to align the two parties. I'm sure things like location, religious beliefs, etc. factor in.