When should parents intervene in college?
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Anonymous
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I never "intervene" but I do coach my kids and advise them. What I can offer them is experience as a college student and knowledge of their personality. That is where my advice stems from. At the end of the day, the decisions are theirs though.
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Anonymous
I manage a group of about 30 employees and once had a parent call me about a young employee I had hired the year before who had been passed over for promotion. I think he was 24 or 25 years old. Needless to say, he did not last long in the job! |
Anonymous
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I am curious to know if all these questions were addressed before registration took place? Was this talked about? Was it agreed upon? Were your expectations reasonable? Did you have a peace about your decisions? Were you able to do all the research you needed for this particular school? Just like people, all schools are different, and it's always a good idea to gather the facts beforehand. Time spent with the administrative staff would provide additional information. Better yet, talk to the graduates.
As far as the line bewteen the two - there is a huge difference. The helicoptering approach most likely started well before the adult child leaves for college, so the patterns and habits stay the same. To break the patterns would cause turmoil and stress on the parent, as they never gave the young child a chance to grow and mature on their own, and continue to feel the adult child can't make it through life without their continual input. This is very detrimental to the adult child. A parent, without meaning to to, never does their adult child a favor by hovering too closely. Trust must come into the picture, and a willingness to give the adult child room to learn life lessons. "Rescuing" an adult child in every situation stifles their emotional development. I think the most important question to ask is why this must take place in the adult child's life? What is going on in your thinking to believe an adult child needs this? What are your true motives? A parent who helicopters is not able to let go. A helicoptering parent sends the message they do not trust the adult child. A helicoptering parent if fearful to let the adult child experience failure and recover from it. A helicoptering parent does not prepare the adult child for the real world. Maybe the child should have never left home for college so this tension would not exist. Intervention is totally different. Intervention occures for a very specific reason. Intervention is not a a daily routine or pattern or habit. Intervention has a specific goal in mind. Intervention is often associated with an isolated situation where it becomes obvious to the parent as well as the adult child that help is required to stay on track, or some changes need to be made. I hope you are able to get the answers you need. In my opinion, many of these answers can be found prior to send the child to college. It sure requires a lot of research, but the future of the the adult child depends not only on the professors' choices, but their own personal choices as well. |
Anonymous
NP. Actually, no. Profs are hired because they have PhDs and have done interesting research, not for their teaching ability unless it’s a college that’s really focused on undergraduates. I’ve had awful profs, especially in grad school. The kind of profs where kids were correcting them in nearly every class. But I’m with everybody else who says it’s your kid’s job to deal with it. Switch classes, drop the class, get a tutor, work with the RA, get online help from places like Kahn Academy or the equivalent in the particular field of study, start a study group with friends, or just work really hard to teach yourself from the book. The parent’s involvement should be suggesting strategies like this, and paying for the tutor. |
Anonymous
| I teach college and DO NOT under any circumstances interact with the parents of a student. My dean does not either. I don't care if you show up and sit in our office lobby, I'm not speaking to you. |
Anonymous
I intervene with my child not the school. Sometimes it is just lack of experience on the child's part to know what to do. Example, today i had to tell my child if everyone is clicking on their device, i am pretty sure attendance and participation are being measured. And lo and behold, there was an error in the child's device - the grades were not appearing on the website and the child didn't know any better as a freshman. Sometimes they need a. Little nudge to have a 'at da' moment. But i would never intervene with the school. I may push pins into the voodoo doll, but i won't pick up the phone to call professors or administrators. |
Anonymous
I posted earlier that the Dean's office at my DCs university did talk to me when my DC was hospitalized. My DC did have to get on the phone briefly to give the Dean permission to speak with me but DC was otherwise unable to really handle it on his own (not able to do email or texts for example). The Dean was very helpful and got everything sorted with the professors. This was at a big state flagship so we were relieved that they were accommodating. Sounds like your university might have been a very different scenario! |
Anonymous
| Lol. My DD is better equipped to live independently than I am. When she was told she couldn't get into a much coveted high level math class as a freshman she went over her advisor's head, marched into the math office and got an override right then and there. Undergrad research as a freshman? Yep! Got that too. All on her own. Arbitrary grading by a professor teaching an intro class at grad school level? Yep! Dropped that in a heartbeat. Why? Because that's the skill she really needs to succeed. Like the song says "You've got to know when to hold them. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away, and know when run..." If you didn't teach your kid to advocate for themselves, then you have to hope life's little lessons will do it for you. |
Anonymous
| My son started college having turned 17 at the end of August, and my daughter started three months shy of turning 17. We agreed to talk every Wednesday and Sunday evening. Of course they could call/text whenever, but those were the check-in times. I just encouraged them to use the school's resources when they SAW a problem starting to come, because dealing with a small problem is easier than dealing with a large one. Sometimes I'd offer suggestions on phrasing. And they had to show us their grades. But we never contacted any college administrators. |
Anonymous
+1 And the cost of college has nothing to do with it. Nothing whatsoever. |
Anonymous
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I’m skeptical of the parents’ source of knowledge of a “bad professor.” I’m guessing all you have is your kids’ word. Your kid has an interest in the matter, and to me would be untrustworthy (I know...”not MY Johnny!!!!!!) because if they’re doing poorly or not learning, of course they’re going to drum up some excuse as to why it isn’t your fault.
Let them figure it out. Mommy can’t save them from the world. |
Anonymous
| Isn’t THEIR fault, I meant. |
Anonymous
| [youtube]https://youtu.be/CyElHdaqkjo |
Anonymous
Really? He got mono, so we brought him home. I can make many more similar sentences. |
Anonymous
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You intervene when there is something going on that is truly not safe. Even then, you follow the rules the university has for truly serious situations. Schools have policies for helping kids with health issues.
If your kid has a horrible prof, all you can do is fund a tutor. If your kid doesn't deliver (disasterous grades, not attending class), you can refuse to pay for the next semester and maybe force a withdrawal. That is about it. |