I'm sorry your kid's in daycare...

[Anonymous]

To the PPs who are happy at work -- I'm glad for you. My comment about it being hard to leave my DC so I could go to work was an explanation for a benign reason the colleague made the comment she made. I would not have thought it insane, socially backward or judgmental of my choices. I would have understood where she was coming from; like I said, there must be many other women who feel the same way.

As for not mentioning my own sad feelings about going back to work -- then don't engage in a conversation about anything with me if you don't want me to talk about anything unless it is exactly what you think/feel/choose. Because I prefer talking to people who are mature enough to take as a given that people are all different on this planet, and to not get all bent out of shape (about THEMSELVES) if I mention feelings or choices that differ from their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean.

I have had people say to me more than once when I mention in a work setting I have a small child say "well where is the baby/child while you are at work?" like I left him at home alone with a cheese stick and the remote while I went off to work.

It is odd at the time but it is also amusing in many ways.

Reminds me of when I commuted to a job 100 miles away and rented a room so I could stay overnight a couple nights a week. Someone (who knew I was married) asked me what I did with my child while I was gone. I almost blurted out "I sent her to roam in the street!" But I calmly explained that my husband (who has a brain and a heart and knows how to use them) did just fine without me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean.

I have had people say to me more than once when I mention in a work setting I have a small child say "well where is the baby/child while you are at work?" like I left him at home alone with a cheese stick and the remote while I went off to work.

It is odd at the time but it is also amusing in many ways.

Reminds me of when I commuted to a job 100 miles away and rented a room so I could stay overnight a couple nights a week. Someone (who knew I was married) asked me what I did with my child while I was gone. I almost blurted out "I sent her to roam in the street!" But I calmly explained that my husband (who has a brain and a heart and knows how to use them) did just fine without me.

Obviously it was another way of saying, "What arrangements have you made?" I know, I know, on your planet everyone should just shut up. I know...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP here. My coworker does have 2 kids and when she made the comment about "oh that's too bad" about mine being in daycare, she mentioned that when hers were younger they stayed with their grandma.

Oh my god, I would have quit work and become a stay at home mom before I would have let either my mom or my MIL raise my child. She was soooo much better off at a daycare center.

BTW, if you ever watch SuperNanny, have you noticed that when she deals with a stay-at-home parent whose kids are out of control, she ends up teaching the parent to structure the day with specific activities and a schedule for eating, sleeping, and exercising that looks a lot like....wait for it....DAYCARE!

All sarcasm aside, I think it's cool if people want to stay home and take care of their kids. I just get offended when a few people assume it's a natural state of affairs and somehow moms instinctively know what's best for their kids. No, we have to learn just like everyone else whether we're SAHMs or WOHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know what you mean.

I have had people say to me more than once when I mention in a work setting I have a small child say "well where is the baby/child while you are at work?" like I left him at home alone with a cheese stick and the remote while I went off to work.

It is odd at the time but it is also amusing in many ways.

Reminds me of when I commuted to a job 100 miles away and rented a room so I could stay overnight a couple nights a week. Someone (who knew I was married) asked me what I did with my child while I was gone. I almost blurted out "I sent her to roam in the street!" But I calmly explained that my husband (who has a brain and a heart and knows how to use them) did just fine without me.

Obviously it was another way of saying, "What arrangements have you made?" I know, I know, on your planet everyone should just shut up. I know...

One doesn't need to "make arrangements" when one has a husband. Or at least when the husband is a full and equal partner in the family who wants to parent as much as I do.

Look, I wasn't rude to her or anything -- I just still can't imagine what she was thinking, because "my arrangements" weren't any different from when I was working at home. When mom is not there, dad takes care of dd. When dad is not there, mom takes care of dd. Same old. Same old. No extra arrangements needed. But I didn't share my internal monologue with her. That would have been rude.

It seems to me that on the "planet" that I was on at the time, that I was the one who was polite in answering (what was a truly well-meant if misguided comment) and who in effect "shut up." I love how you assumed I was the rude one.

[Anonymous]

Well, I'm single so if I ever ask a question like that, it's not because I'm assuming your kid is running neglected through the streets; it's because I don't have a DH so your arrangements are not "Same old. Same old." to me. (Sounds like they weren't to the person who asked you, either, otherwise why would she have asked?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm single so if I ever ask a question like that, it's not because I'm assuming your kid is running neglected through the streets; it's because I don't have a DH so your arrangements are not "Same old. Same old." to me. (Sounds like they weren't to the person who asked you, either, otherwise why would she have asked?)

Because the commonly held assumption among many people is that mama is solely responsible for child care and making arrangements for child care. So there's this image in some minds that, with mama out of town, who's watching the child? (Still smiling at the cheese stick and remote scenario.) PP is married and said her coworker knows this. If she were single and coworker knew this it would be a different story.

I'm not saying it's an unspeakably rude question and I wouldn't have tried to respond as though it was, but it definitely comes from a... let's say gendered assumption about child care responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm single so if I ever ask a question like that, it's not because I'm assuming your kid is running neglected through the streets; it's because I don't have a DH so your arrangements are not "Same old. Same old." to me. (Sounds like they weren't to the person who asked you, either, otherwise why would she have asked?)

My problem isn't that she asked. It's the "oh, that's too bad" reply I got when I said daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, I'm single so if I ever ask a question like that, it's not because I'm assuming your kid is running neglected through the streets; it's because I don't have a DH so your arrangements are not "Same old. Same old." to me. (Sounds like they weren't to the person who asked you, either, otherwise why would she have asked?)

I told you, she knew I was married. She was also married. And the point I was making was not that she thought my kid was running through the streets but that it didn't occur to her that my husband was capable of taking care of our child. And if you had ever asked me that question I would have responded politely while thinking about how pissed off my dh would be when he hears this -- but you would never know that's what I was thinking. Because that's how I try to function on my planet -- politely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs who are happy at work -- I'm glad for you. My comment about it being hard to leave my DC so I could go to work was an explanation for a benign reason the colleague made the comment she made. I would not have thought it insane, socially backward or judgmental of my choices. I would have understood where she was coming from; like I said, there must be many other women who feel the same way.

As for not mentioning my own sad feelings about going back to work -- then don't engage in a conversation about anything with me if you don't want me to talk about anything unless it is exactly what you think/feel/choose. Because I prefer talking to people who are mature enough to take as a given that people are all different on this planet, and to not get all bent out of shape (about THEMSELVES) if I mention feelings or choices that differ from their own.

I think we both understand where she is coming from. The difference is that her comments may be more relevant to your situation so you would just agree with her. Where as comments like this are not relevant to me because I don't have one iota of guilt over working and having my kids in daycare. It was never a decision I struggled with or literally even thought twice about (not once). So, it would actually feel uncomfortable for someone to make a judgement about my feelings, no matter the subject, and not politely comment back that her comments aren't remotely relevant to me, especially with someone I work with. Down the road when the coworker finds out my true feelings I would have felt like I lied to her back then on not expressing my opinion on her comment.

All of this can be done in a nonconfrontational but informative manner. "Oh, thanks for thinking of me but I really prefer our situation."

I didn't reread the posts but I don't remember someone saying not to express your own feelings. Your last paragraph is actually what I am saying about those that assume their feelings or choices are the same for all women. Just as you said many women feel the way you do, I would assume I am not the only one who feels the way I do. Unless I missed a post that criticized you mentioning your feelings I hope you post wasn't intended for me. I think I am mature in discussing my feelings when others assume I am disheartened at working and having my kids in daycare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs who are happy at work -- I'm glad for you. My comment about it being hard to leave my DC so I could go to work was an explanation for a benign reason the colleague made the comment she made. I would not have thought it insane, socially backward or judgmental of my choices. I would have understood where she was coming from; like I said, there must be many other women who feel the same way.

As for not mentioning my own sad feelings about going back to work -- then don't engage in a conversation about anything with me if you don't want me to talk about anything unless it is exactly what you think/feel/choose. Because I prefer talking to people who are mature enough to take as a given that people are all different on this planet, and to not get all bent out of shape (about THEMSELVES) if I mention feelings or choices that differ from their own.

I think we both understand where she is coming from. The difference is that her comments may be more relevant to your situation so you would just agree with her. Where as comments like this are not relevant to me because I don't have one iota of guilt over working and having my kids in daycare. It was never a decision I struggled with or literally even thought twice about (not once). So, it would actually feel uncomfortable for someone to make a judgement about my feelings, no matter the subject, and not politely comment back that her comments aren't remotely relevant to me, especially with someone I work with. Down the road when the coworker finds out my true feelings I would have felt like I lied to her back then on not expressing my opinion on her comment.

All of this can be done in a nonconfrontational but informative manner. "Oh, thanks for thinking of me but I really prefer our situation."

I didn't reread the posts but I don't remember someone saying not to express your own feelings. Your last paragraph is actually what I am saying about those that assume their feelings or choices are the same for all women. Just as you said many women feel the way you do, I would assume I am not the only one who feels the way I do. Unless I missed a post that criticized you mentioning your feelings I hope you post wasn't intended for me. I think I am mature in discussing my feelings when others assume I am disheartened at working and having my kids in daycare.

The guilt part is just you. I would not have inferred that the person making that statement was trying to guilt trip me. I would have assumed they were making an assumption about my sad feelings about not being with my DC -- which I'm sure many WM have even if they are happy with their choice to do so.

The not sharing my feelings part was directed at the PP angry with her neighbor for saying SHE would not have been able to leave her kids to go to work. That neighbor had a right to talk about the decision SHE made and the feelings SHE had w/o it being all about the neighbor, or interpreted as a judgment of someone who chose/felt differently. Yes, we all feel differently and make different choices, and I for one am a mature enough adult to hear various views w/o getting bent out of shape about what someone else's thoughts or feelings says about me and my choices. I hope those around me are, too.

[Anonymous]

"The guilt part is just you. I would not have inferred that the person making that statement was trying to guilt trip me. I would have assumed they were making an assumption about my sad feelings about not being with my DC -- which I'm sure many WM have even if they are happy with their choice to do so.

The not sharing my feelings part was directed at the PP angry with her neighbor for saying SHE would not have been able to leave her kids to go to work. That neighbor had a right to talk about the decision SHE made and the feelings SHE had w/o it being all about the neighbor, or interpreted as a judgment of someone who chose/felt differently. Yes, we all feel differently and make different choices, and I for one am a mature enough adult to hear various views w/o getting bent out of shape about what someone else's thoughts or feelings says about me and my choices. I hope those around me are, too."

NP, so not involved in this particular conversation yet.

Yes, the neighbor had a right to talk about her decision, you are absolutely right. And I am the first one to say, I have to remind myself sometimes, it's not all about me! And realize someone else's different choice or situation does always reflect on mine.

Still though, I consider myself a compassionate person and I go out of my way to avoid awkward situations and not make someone feel bad, intentional or not. We all know there are things that are said in "polite" society that are subtle digs. Women are experts at this. This just reminds me of one. If someone says to me, "oh, I can't imagine working. I would just NOT have been able to do it." Fine, I realize that is not about me, it's about them. But come on. We all know what it means. You can twist it around but there are so many other more polite ways of getting at this.

And further, why, if we are talking about how everything does not have to be about us all the time, would this neighbor even feel the need to say this? Talk about something that has NOTHING to do with her. A discussion about someone else's daycare choice does not have to be an invitation for someone else to start spouting off about their choices and what they did when their kids were young. If you are going to be supportive, fine, but the comment just isn't necessary.

[Anonymous]

The guilt part is just you. I would not have inferred that the person making that statement was trying to guilt trip me. I would have assumed they were making an assumption about my sad feelings about not being with my DC -- which I'm sure many WM have even if they are happy with their choice to do so.

I don't know any working mom who was, and every parent I know works outside of the home. And I also am fortunate not to know any parent clueless enough to assume that someone else was sad about day care.

[Anonymous]

i will never forget the reactions i got from people ... including my own MIL!! ... when I told them we would be sending DS to daycare once he was born. you'd think i was telling them i was sending him to a dungeon to be shackled and chained up all day.

i wanted to scream at them IF IT'S THAT F***ING BAD THEN WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME MONEY FOR A NANNY?? Or better yet, help a sister out so i can STAY HOME!!

by the way, DS loves daycare. i mean he really loves it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To the PPs who are happy at work -- I'm glad for you. My comment about it being hard to leave my DC so I could go to work was an explanation for a benign reason the colleague made the comment she made. I would not have thought it insane, socially backward or judgmental of my choices. I would have understood where she was coming from; like I said, there must be many other women who feel the same way.

As for not mentioning my own sad feelings about going back to work -- then don't engage in a conversation about anything with me if you don't want me to talk about anything unless it is exactly what you think/feel/choose. Because I prefer talking to people who are mature enough to take as a given that people are all different on this planet, and to not get all bent out of shape (about THEMSELVES) if I mention feelings or choices that differ from their own.

I think we both understand where she is coming from. The difference is that her comments may be more relevant to your situation so you would just agree with her. Where as comments like this are not relevant to me because I don't have one iota of guilt over working and having my kids in daycare. It was never a decision I struggled with or literally even thought twice about (not once). So, it would actually feel uncomfortable for someone to make a judgement about my feelings, no matter the subject, and not politely comment back that her comments aren't remotely relevant to me, especially with someone I work with. Down the road when the coworker finds out my true feelings I would have felt like I lied to her back then on not expressing my opinion on her comment.

All of this can be done in a nonconfrontational but informative manner. "Oh, thanks for thinking of me but I really prefer our situation."

I didn't reread the posts but I don't remember someone saying not to express your own feelings. Your last paragraph is actually what I am saying about those that assume their feelings or choices are the same for all women. Just as you said many women feel the way you do, I would assume I am not the only one who feels the way I do. Unless I missed a post that criticized you mentioning your feelings I hope you post wasn't intended for me. I think I am mature in discussing my feelings when others assume I am disheartened at working and having my kids in daycare.

The guilt part is just you. I would not have inferred that the person making that statement was trying to guilt trip me. I would have assumed they were making an assumption about my sad feelings about not being with my DC -- which I'm sure many WM have even if they are happy with their choice to do so.

The not sharing my feelings part was directed at the PP angry with her neighbor for saying SHE would not have been able to leave her kids to go to work. That neighbor had a right to talk about the decision SHE made and the feelings SHE had w/o it being all about the neighbor, or interpreted as a judgment of someone who chose/felt differently. Yes, we all feel differently and make different choices, and I for one am a mature enough adult to hear various views w/o getting bent out of shape about what someone else's thoughts or feelings says about me and my choices. I hope those around me are, too.

It's not about guilt for me. Remember, I don't have any over this decision. Also, I don't always assume the person is trying to guilt trip me. Depending on the tone of the comment or the follow-on conversation I can usually determine if the commentor was really being snarky or just really didn't think a WOHM could not have the same feelings as them. Either way I politely inform them that my feelings are not what they had assumed I was feeling.

As far as the pp talking about her neighbor I think that's more about sensitivity and knowing that other women can be unsure about their decision to return to work so making that comment could be hurtful if you don't know their situation.