I'm sorry your kid's in daycare...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably has one in daycare too and can sympathize.

agree, give her the benefit of the doubt, at least this first time.

But why would she sympathize? We love our daycare and the caregivers who work there. I feel lucky every day that we have such an awesome center at work, that hopefully my child will stay at until she enters kindergarten. The ratio is fantastic, the center is gorgeous and new, and they have the most amazing summer activities - my toddler saw a lion cub at daycare the other day for goodness sake (the company has an Animal Ambassadors' program and they periodically bring different animals in).

I would not "sympathize" with another mom I met whose child is in daycare unless they first complained that it was a bad situation and were looking at other options. And if someone said that to me, I'm sure I would be speechless like OP but I hope I would be able to compose myself and say, "what an odd thing to say to someone! I can honestly say I have no response to that!" or something that is light yet giving them the message they crossed the line.

I hated having to leave my child to go to work, good daycare or no. It was very painful for me.

I'm sorry - that must be hard, but surely you realize not everyone feels that way and everyone's situation is different? I work 30 hours a week and my husband is able to work odd hours, so our child is typically in daycare 3-3.5 days a weeks. It's been great for us. I have enjoyed keeping my job, we need the income I make anyway so isn't productive to feel guilty, and to be honest, I just don't.

I think we are in a great situation and it would piss me off to hear someone sympathize with me. Just as I'm sure if I said to a SAHM, "I'm sorry you had to leave your job!" they would likely be offended. It just assumes something that may not be true.

It's one thing to say you are sorry if someone has cancer, got into a car accident, etc. It's quite another to show sympathy when someone is not upset about the issue you are sympathizing with. I think it would irk most people.

Just some examples:

You live in X neighborhood? I'm so sorry!

Your child is going to X School? I'm so sorry!

You work in X field? I'm so sorry!!!

Yep, all the above would irk me.

Your analogies are nonsensical.

If someone had said to me, "I'm sorry" when I told them my DC was with the babysitter, I would have given them a sad look and said thanks. I'm sure I'm not the only one who would.

Actually, these analogies do make sense.

Maybe you need to look up the word analogy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably has one in daycare too and can sympathize.

agree, give her the benefit of the doubt, at least this first time.

But why would she sympathize? We love our daycare and the caregivers who work there. I feel lucky every day that we have such an awesome center at work, that hopefully my child will stay at until she enters kindergarten. The ratio is fantastic, the center is gorgeous and new, and they have the most amazing summer activities - my toddler saw a lion cub at daycare the other day for goodness sake (the company has an Animal Ambassadors' program and they periodically bring different animals in).

I would not "sympathize" with another mom I met whose child is in daycare unless they first complained that it was a bad situation and were looking at other options. And if someone said that to me, I'm sure I would be speechless like OP but I hope I would be able to compose myself and say, "what an odd thing to say to someone! I can honestly say I have no response to that!" or something that is light yet giving them the message they crossed the line.

I hated having to leave my child to go to work, good daycare or no. It was very painful for me.

I'm sorry - that must be hard, but surely you realize not everyone feels that way and everyone's situation is different? I work 30 hours a week and my husband is able to work odd hours, so our child is typically in daycare 3-3.5 days a weeks. It's been great for us. I have enjoyed keeping my job, we need the income I make anyway so isn't productive to feel guilty, and to be honest, I just don't.

I think we are in a great situation and it would piss me off to hear someone sympathize with me. Just as I'm sure if I said to a SAHM, "I'm sorry you had to leave your job!" they would likely be offended. It just assumes something that may not be true.

It's one thing to say you are sorry if someone has cancer, got into a car accident, etc. It's quite another to show sympathy when someone is not upset about the issue you are sympathizing with. I think it would irk most people.

Just some examples:

You live in X neighborhood? I'm so sorry!

Your child is going to X School? I'm so sorry!

You work in X field? I'm so sorry!!!

Yep, all the above would irk me.

Your analogies are nonsensical.

If someone had said to me, "I'm sorry" when I told them my DC was with the babysitter, I would have given them a sad look and said thanks. I'm sure I'm not the only one who would.

Actually, these analogies do make sense.

Maybe you need to look up the word analogy?

No, actually they don't.

[Anonymous]

Yes, they do. Shall we go back and forth?

The point is, if you are not upset your baby is in daycare, and someone says you are, it's rude. Just as it would be rude to say those other things.

Why can't you get that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they do. Shall we go back and forth?

The point is, if you are not upset your baby is in daycare, and someone says you are, it's rude. Just as it would be rude to say those other things.

Why can't you get that?

If you decide to assume that's what was meant by the comment, then I can see where you would think someone is being rude. I work and am very happy with my daughter's child care arrangement. That doesn't mean that I don;t think about how nice it would be to get home to her as quickly as I can. Most parents can relate to that. That's all I would take away from the comment made to the OP. The same can't be said for the other examples. But then again I'm not a conspiracy theorist and I don't go around looking for insult in what people say to me. If I was confused about what the person meant by what they said I would just ask instead of assuming it was an insult or judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes, they do. Shall we go back and forth?

The point is, if you are not upset your baby is in daycare, and someone says you are, it's rude. Just as it would be rude to say those other things.

Why can't you get that?

If you decide to assume that's what was meant by the comment, then I can see where you would think someone is being rude. I work and am very happy with my daughter's child care arrangement. That doesn't mean that I don;t think about how nice it would be to get home to her as quickly as I can. Most parents can relate to that. That's all I would take away from the comment made to the OP. The same can't be said for the other examples. But then again I'm not a conspiracy theorist and I don't go around looking for insult in what people say to me. If I was confused about what the person meant by what they said I would just ask instead of assuming it was an insult or judgment.

Fair enough.

I see your point. But certainly you could see why a WM might be angry at that comment?

Maybe I just have a lot of pride. I really don't like people feeling sorry for me for no good reason - it feels, to me, incredibly patronizing. Also, many WMs choose to work, so saying "I'm sorry" is really the same as saying, "I don't agree with your choice. If I had that choice I would have chosen differently and I feel sorry for you." I have no problem with someone disagreeing with a choice, but I think it's rather rude to say that on a first meeting!

What is interesting to me is this woman is someone's co-worker, so she clearly works. I wonder if she has no children and is just clueless? Or maybe her children are with the nanny and she looks down on daycare.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a 6 yr old and a 20 month old... I get EXACTLY the same reaction at my new job.

[Anonymous]

there is truly nothing we do as parents that isn't judged by someone and thought to be the wrong choice.

I am working just 2 days a week, after spending my daughter's first 2 years working FT. I have my daughter in classes in the community and get these glazed looks from certain other moms when #1 - I explain I work even a little and #2 - I explain that my daughter is not in one of the "normal" preschools in the area but is in a daycare center 2 days a week. I can't tell if it is pity or horror - possibly a combination of both.

I honestly almost smacked my one neighbor last night for saying something to my neighbor who heads back to work in a couple weeks about how hard it must be and she could have never done that. How is THIS helpful? Of course it is a difficult decision, but you do what you need to do and what works for your family. I could just tell my new mommy neighbor was getting teary having to answer to this woman. Some people suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:there is truly nothing we do as parents that isn't judged by someone and thought to be the wrong choice.

I am working just 2 days a week, after spending my daughter's first 2 years working FT. I have my daughter in classes in the community and get these glazed looks from certain other moms when #1 - I explain I work even a little and #2 - I explain that my daughter is not in one of the "normal" preschools in the area but is in a daycare center 2 days a week. I can't tell if it is pity or horror - possibly a combination of both.

I honestly almost smacked my one neighbor last night for saying something to my neighbor who heads back to work in a couple weeks about how hard it must be and she could have never done that. How is THIS helpful? Of course it is a difficult decision, but you do what you need to do and what works for your family. I could just tell my new mommy neighbor was getting teary having to answer to this woman. Some people suck.

My guess would be she was getting teary at the thought of leaving her child to go back to work. Can't imagine an adult reduced to tears by having to explain their work choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:there is truly nothing we do as parents that isn't judged by someone and thought to be the wrong choice.

I am working just 2 days a week, after spending my daughter's first 2 years working FT. I have my daughter in classes in the community and get these glazed looks from certain other moms when #1 - I explain I work even a little and #2 - I explain that my daughter is not in one of the "normal" preschools in the area but is in a daycare center 2 days a week. I can't tell if it is pity or horror - possibly a combination of both.

I honestly almost smacked my one neighbor last night for saying something to my neighbor who heads back to work in a couple weeks about how hard it must be and she could have never done that. How is THIS helpful? Of course it is a difficult decision, but you do what you need to do and what works for your family. I could just tell my new mommy neighbor was getting teary having to answer to this woman. Some people suck.

My guess would be she was getting teary at the thought of leaving her child to go back to work. Can't imagine an adult reduced to tears by having to explain their work choices.

fair enough, poor wording on my part. BUT, people should know better - of course a new mommy is emotional, no matter WHAT they decide to do. To just go on and on about how she (the other neighbor) could never do this is just obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

To just go on and on about how she (the other neighbor) could never do this is just obnoxious.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: What is interesting to me is this woman is someone's co-worker, so she clearly works. I wonder if she has no children and is just clueless? Or maybe her children are with the nanny and she looks down on daycare.

Hi, OP here. My coworker does have 2 kids and when she made the comment about "oh that's too bad" about mine being in daycare, she mentioned that when hers were younger they stayed with their grandma. Yesterday I was annoyed by the comment. It feels weird to be the new person, trying to get to know a bunch of people and work with them, and to have this be one of the first comments made to me. I just was really put off by it. Especially since I found out they are reshuffling offices and I may have to share space with her. Going through my head was, wow, I'm going to have to share an office with someone who came out with a judgment about my childcare choice on our first meeting. So I felt like venting.

But today I feel less annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Why is "day care" considered a bad thing, but if you had said "pre-school" it probably wouldn't have had the same reaction?

Even though ours is a "day care", we refer to it as "school". She is exposed to a lot more than I would be able to provide- different art projects, movement and music classes, all the interactions with the other kids, etc. To us, it seems more like school. And yes, she loves it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably has one in daycare too and can sympathize.

agree, give her the benefit of the doubt, at least this first time.

But why would she sympathize? We love our daycare and the caregivers who work there. I feel lucky every day that we have such an awesome center at work, that hopefully my child will stay at until she enters kindergarten. The ratio is fantastic, the center is gorgeous and new, and they have the most amazing summer activities - my toddler saw a lion cub at daycare the other day for goodness sake (the company has an Animal Ambassadors' program and they periodically bring different animals in).

I would not "sympathize" with another mom I met whose child is in daycare unless they first complained that it was a bad situation and were looking at other options. And if someone said that to me, I'm sure I would be speechless like OP but I hope I would be able to compose myself and say, "what an odd thing to say to someone! I can honestly say I have no response to that!" or something that is light yet giving them the message they crossed the line.

I hated having to leave my child to go to work, good daycare or no. It was very painful for me.

I'm sorry you struggled with your situation, but I think the OP's point might be that she doesn't hate leaving her child to go to work. I feel this way. I LOVE my job and my DH LOVES his job, we LOVE our home daycare and the kids seem to LOVE it there also. We work our schedules so that DH has DC in the am, daycare mid-day, Mommy has the early PM and nights/weekends are family time. It's a great balance for us and I would and have made a comment back to someone who feels "bad for me" that my DC are in daycare - very nicely of course.

I don't get defensive over the situation because DH and I are truly happy with our situation and feel very lucky. I recently had a women stop and talk to my 6m old while in the grocery store (DH was shopping on another aisle with our 3.5yo) and she proceeded to tell me that she is just 'old fashion' and felt sorry that I had to work (another misconception that I hear a lot). I politely told her that I CHOOSE to work and my DC are very happy at their daycare. She seemed a little surprised by what I said but we left on friendly terms.

A SAHM with a child in my DD's swim class said the same thing to me - sorry you HAVE to work. It sometimes feels like a dig at my DH, like poor me because my DH doesn't make enough so I can stay home. I politely said that I always wanted children but never had any desire to be a SAHM before or after having kids. I put myself through school and work very hard to build a career that I really do love and to create a work/family balance that my DH and I think is best for us and our DC.

She wasn't as accepting afterwards, but since I support the military and her DH was military we had some things to talk about.

Once you get to know your coworker a little better maybe you can then tell her how you really feel about being a working mother. I don't go around talking about it unless I am ask or a comment is made that is not appropriate for my situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:there is truly nothing we do as parents that isn't judged by someone and thought to be the wrong choice.

I am working just 2 days a week, after spending my daughter's first 2 years working FT. I have my daughter in classes in the community and get these glazed looks from certain other moms when #1 - I explain I work even a little and #2 - I explain that my daughter is not in one of the "normal" preschools in the area but is in a daycare center 2 days a week. I can't tell if it is pity or horror - possibly a combination of both.

I honestly almost smacked my one neighbor last night for saying something to my neighbor who heads back to work in a couple weeks about how hard it must be and she could have never done that. How is THIS helpful? Of course it is a difficult decision, but you do what you need to do and what works for your family. I could just tell my new mommy neighbor was getting teary having to answer to this woman. Some people suck.

I know you trying to defend the position of WMs or for any choice but the part that irks me is that people assume it's a hard decision for ALL moms to rerturn to work. 9:01 pp here - It was not a hard decision for me. I've pictured my life being the way it is since high school- 2 DC (maybe 1 more) and working f/t. I actually didn't stay with my high school sweetheart after entering college because he assumed his wife would stay home when having kids and I had no intentions of doing that.

It's not to say that if things had worked out differently (didn't love my job, had DC with disabilities, etc) we may have a different family/work situation. However, I'm lucky that our situtation has worked out how we would like and are very happy. The point is it is either rude or uneducated to assume that a mom is working not by choice or that it is a heart-wrenching decision.

[Anonymous]

I wasn't sad to send my child to day care at all. It was a great experience for her and she had far more interesting and stimulating activities in her day than I did with my stay at home mother, watching Sesame Street while she vacuumed, going to the grocery store with her, and getting through her errands sprinkled with play dates with her friends and their kids every couple of days. I know that mothers these days focus much more heavily on mom and me classes and play dates than on the housewife chores, but in the 70s, being raised by a SAHM wasn't the enriching and lovey-dovey experience that it often is today. I would love to go back in time and have the day care experience that my child did, with tons of nice friends, field trips, daily playground time, activities designed to stimulate them, and no part of their day occupied by waiting to get the car's oil changed. She had it better than I did.

No benefit of the doubt to the co-worker-- you don't console someone for something that they haven't said they're sad about unless you think that they should be sad about it.