DH's inability to communicate with his parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with you on the "not picking up the slack" part. It's so unfair when your spouse doesn't pull his weight. Do what you have to do to stay same, whatever it is, OP.

Here's my ADHD story: my husband has ADHD he refuses to treat. Right now his brother is scheduled to visit on Wednesday for a week. Nothing is ready, his room has been used as a hoarder-type storage by my husband for years, and what is he doing? He's decided to make shelves (instead of buying some ready made at Ikea) to store his mess. As if it could fit on shelves and somehow leave room for a bed! Ha! Imagine tottering cardboard boxes nearly reaching the ceiling. All he's doing is avoiding the real work, which is deciding what to keep and what to throw away. It's amazing he can't see this about himself.

So since I love his brother very much, and I am house proud, and if the room is a mess, it will come around to less friendly members of the family, I have to pick up the slack: triage the mountains of stuff, organize them in a logical way, persuade my husband to throw half of it away. And go to Ikea and buy a bed! And assemble it! All before Wednesday evening. While my husband works on his shelves, and grumbles about the slightest item I throw in the trash.

These are the defining moments of our marriage, when my contempt for him grows. It's sad that I'm staying for the kids. With the untreated ADHD, he would be an utterly irresponsible father on the days he has custody.

There are no motels he could stay at? You both sound crazy.

Are you the one who just posted to say OP was crazy.
Thank you - you have just reduced me to my husband's mental health. This is what mentally ill people do to you: they make you crazy dealing with their shit.
No, my brother was invited to the house and has no clue he's walking into a hoarder's house.
This is the only opportunity I have of semi-persuading my husband of tidying up the basement. We've been living here 7 years and the stuff has just accumulated. We've had my family over, and he wasn't motivated (we all crammed in the other rooms). But for his brother, he's willing to consider cleaning up. I have to make the most of it.
What's crazy is that I married him, you're right about that. I didn't know this about him - his apartment was all tidy.

Is there a reason you don't throw out all this shit? DH knows that if he starts to accumulate piles of shit, I'll just throw it all out suddenly. I did not marry a bag lady and I will not tolerate bag lady bullshit.

[Anonymous]

It is not OP's job to make plans because her DH is lazy, incompetent, thoughtless or whatever. You dumb b.it.ches need to realize that two X chromosomes do not turn a person into a secretary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH used to be like this. He and his parents would make elaborate plans and only tell me at the last minute. Or they would tell me the roughest contours such that I still had no idea what was going on. I have zero f.u.cks to give though, so I would just bail on plans with his family. If you don't care enough to give me information in a timely fashion, then I don't care enough to come.

His mom tried to make me the point person for plans with DH's side of the family and I just wouldn't respond to those texts and calls. Not adding to my to-do list! Months would go by without us seeing the in laws until DH decided he missed them enough to make the plans with his family and communicate them to me in a timely fashion so that we could go see them.

Every now and then, both DH and his parents try to act up again. For last Thanksgiving, MIL decided she wanted to throw a party on Wednesday and she invited everyone else weeks in advance. DH didn't bother to tell me either. She then told me three days before and expected me to take the Wednesday off. Nope! She even tried to lean on me by claiming she planned the party to show off her grandkids. Oh, well. I politely declined to mess up my political capital at work by taking off Wednesday on such short notice. After that, she went back to respecting my time again.

agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not OP's job to make plans because her DH is lazy, incompetent, thoughtless or whatever. You dumb b.it.ches need to realize that two X chromosomes do not turn a person into a secretary.

No, it's not her "job." But she's unhappy about the fact that her husband doesn't communicate, and she doesn't want to just skip the vacations. So she can be unhappy or she can take over the communication. But she can't make her husband change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Is that my only option? I'm really just thinking of pulling back from vacationing or visiting my inlaws as much. The lack of communication really is out of control. Obviously no one has any respect for my days off or how I want to spent my few days of annual leave a year.

When DH needs something from my family, I discuss it immediately with them.

Do you want to stop vacationing or visiting? If so, sure, use this as an excuse. But if you do want to continue, or see some value in it for any kids; it's pretty silly.

OP here. I don't want to stop visiting them. I like them and they're good parents to DH. I know my SILs and MIL have been making plans, but we're completely cut off from the plans because DH doesn't discuss it with them. And yeah, of course this means our kids get the short end of the stick.

Are your fingers broken? Have your MIL and SIL prohibited you from having their contact info? If the answer is no, you are not 'completely cut off from the plans'. You are making a deliberate choice not to get the details you want/need because you want your DH to interface with your ILs. How's that working for you? If you 'pull back from vacationing or visiting your ILs as much', will that get you what you want?

I get being annoyed. My DH has ADHD. I do what a PP has suggested work at our house is assigned in a way that it gets done and no one is resentful. If you want to spend time with your ILs, I don't get why you're choosing to die on this hill.

OP here. I'm not really comfortable discussing vacation planning and budget with my inlaws (we have similar issues with holidays). I would like my DH to step up. I'm not willing to do this for him. Every time he doesn't want to do a chore I should take it over for him? I would like MIL and my SILs to include me but they don't and it's hard for me to butt in on their planning as an inlaw.

PP here. How's your strategy working out for you? If you didn't like your ILs, I'd be fully on board with this vacation falling through the cracks. I've done it a few times myself. But, you're letting this fall through the cracks because you don't like the way your DH is doing his 'chore' - and you're getting all pissy about it.

I find it hard to believe you wouldn't be comfortable discussing vacation planning and budget with your ILs. Why the hell not?! Is your DH better at it than you are? That's unlikely since he's not been talking to them about it. I'm sure he's told them that whatever they decide is fine. You don't like the way your DH is doing his 'chore', you need to speak with them.

Oh, and why are you making arrangements for the dog? Doesn't that fall under the vacation planning chore?

The bolded is what it comes down to. If your husband doesn't communicate with his parents, and you've discussed it with him and he won't change, your choices are to go along with last-minute vacations, stop going on these vacations, or take over the communication yourself. You might be right and your husband might be wrong, but being right doesn't get you what you want.