DH's inability to communicate with his parents

[Anonymous]

Is there any cure for this? We're going on a week long trip with my inlaws leaving this weekend and I haven't heard a peep about this trip. DH loves his family, but won't talk to them and can't figure out the plans. I don't know what day we're leaving (so I can coordinate a dog watcher), where we're staying, or any activities that are planned.

We're both Type A people but I bet DH has ADD. He's extremely busy, works long hours and always has multiple things he's juggling. So do I and I shouldn't have to pick up his slack. I know that if this was a situation at work he would have called immediately. Anytime I mention it to him (I'm not a nag), he states that his parents haven't called him either. I'm a huge planner and this drives me absolutely insane. I try to follow "natural consequences" and to let DH deal with his family and I deal with mine, but this always happens. We've been married nearly a decade and this is still going on. It makes me not ever want to meet up with my inlaws because of this.

[Anonymous]

I would call my MIL. Natural consequences don't work if you have to bear the brunt of someone else's errors. He probably doesn't care (so no negative consequence to him). If you want the info, pick up the phone.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm not going to pick up DH's slack here. I would like to know the cost of hotels and such since we're paying. Sigh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not going to pick up DH's slack here. I would like to know the cost of hotels and such since we're paying. Sigh.

Then I guess you find out when the bill comes. Personally, I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face -- giving yourself more worries due to insisting on the way you think it ought to be rather than accepting the way it is. But that's your choice. In that case, your only option is to try to relax. I wouldn't expect the dynamic to change. Why would it? You are the only one unhappy with it and you won't make a change. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Your options are to call you MIL to get the info you want or to keep asking DH. The latter doesn't seem to be working so I would personally try calling mil.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Is that my only option? I'm really just thinking of pulling back from vacationing or visiting my inlaws as much. The lack of communication really is out of control. Obviously no one has any respect for my days off or how I want to spent my few days of annual leave a year.

When DH needs something from my family, I discuss it immediately with them.

[Anonymous]

If all this is resolved with a call to your mil, I would just call her.

[Anonymous]

Ok, don't go. One thing that is clear is that the entire family, including you, has communication issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Is that my only option? I'm really just thinking of pulling back from vacationing or visiting my inlaws as much. The lack of communication really is out of control. Obviously no one has any respect for my days off or how I want to spent my few days of annual leave a year.

When DH needs something from my family, I discuss it immediately with them.

Sorry, but this is stupid. Call your MIL. YOU set up this dynamic - you would deal with your family and he would deal with his, right?. Now this is what you get.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you can't get someone to watch the dog on short notice, you and DH will have to stay home, right? Problem solved and hopefully Dh will step up next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Is that my only option? I'm really just thinking of pulling back from vacationing or visiting my inlaws as much. The lack of communication really is out of control. Obviously no one has any respect for my days off or how I want to spent my few days of annual leave a year.

When DH needs something from my family, I discuss it immediately with them.

Do you want to stop vacationing or visiting? If so, sure, use this as an excuse. But if you do want to continue, or see some value in it for any kids; it's pretty silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Is that my only option? I'm really just thinking of pulling back from vacationing or visiting my inlaws as much. The lack of communication really is out of control. Obviously no one has any respect for my days off or how I want to spent my few days of annual leave a year.

When DH needs something from my family, I discuss it immediately with them.

Do you want to stop vacationing or visiting? If so, sure, use this as an excuse. But if you do want to continue, or see some value in it for any kids; it's pretty silly.

OP here. I don't want to stop visiting them. I like them and they're good parents to DH. I know my SILs and MIL have been making plans, but we're completely cut off from the plans because DH doesn't discuss it with them. And yeah, of course this means our kids get the short end of the stick.

[Anonymous]

Ask him directly. "Can you please call your mother tonight to ask these 3 questions?". If he doesn't, the next day, you call her and ask them.

Do not have children with this man until he grows up. And don't agree to another vacation where you are kept in the dark. Once you have kids he'll expect you to also manage his parents and their access to them. And if you don't do it right, you will hear about it.

If he wants to vacation with them, you need to know XYZ and before you leave. If he can't find that out for you, then this is the last vacation you are planning with his family.

When he balks "they aren't calling me either!" tell him that you aren't married to his parents so you can't request they call more. He needs to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you can't get someone to watch the dog on short notice, you and DH will have to stay home, right? Problem solved and hopefully Dh will step up next time.

+1

Tell him that you need to know when to schedule the dog-sitter, because if you don't have a dog-sitter, you can't go. Repeat for any other relevant factors--scheduling leave for work, etc. If he can't be bothered to get the information in time, then the natural consequence is that you don't go on the trip.

Or call your MIL and get the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Is that my only option? I'm really just thinking of pulling back from vacationing or visiting my inlaws as much. The lack of communication really is out of control. Obviously no one has any respect for my days off or how I want to spent my few days of annual leave a year.

When DH needs something from my family, I discuss it immediately with them.

Do you want to stop vacationing or visiting? If so, sure, use this as an excuse. But if you do want to continue, or see some value in it for any kids; it's pretty silly.

OP here. I don't want to stop visiting them. I like them and they're good parents to DH. I know my SILs and MIL have been making plans, but we're completely cut off from the plans because DH doesn't discuss it with them. And yeah, of course this means our kids get the short end of the stick.

Why don't you divide the labor up differently? Instead of saying DH is in charge of contacting his family and you are in charge of contacting yours; say that you are in charge of planning vacations and he is in chard of [something for which the impact of not doing it falls primarily on him and not you or your children]. That way you can keep to your stubborn idea of not picking up his slack while also making sure your Type A need-to-know certain info is satisfied. Your in-laws are your family also so just call them. Jeez, you could have the info you were looking for by now if you had just called your MIL instead of coming here.