DH's inability to communicate with his parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Is that my only option? I'm really just thinking of pulling back from vacationing or visiting my inlaws as much. The lack of communication really is out of control. Obviously no one has any respect for my days off or how I want to spent my few days of annual leave a year.

When DH needs something from my family, I discuss it immediately with them.

Do you want to stop vacationing or visiting? If so, sure, use this as an excuse. But if you do want to continue, or see some value in it for any kids; it's pretty silly.

OP here. I don't want to stop visiting them. I like them and they're good parents to DH. I know my SILs and MIL have been making plans, but we're completely cut off from the plans because DH doesn't discuss it with them. And yeah, of course this means our kids get the short end of the stick.

Are your fingers broken? Have your MIL and SIL prohibited you from having their contact info? If the answer is no, you are not 'completely cut off from the plans'. You are making a deliberate choice not to get the details you want/need because you want your DH to interface with your ILs. How's that working for you? If you 'pull back from vacationing or visiting your ILs as much', will that get you what you want?

I get being annoyed. My DH has ADHD. I do what a PP has suggested work at our house is assigned in a way that it gets done and no one is resentful. If you want to spend time with your ILs, I don't get why you're choosing to die on this hill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Is that my only option? I'm really just thinking of pulling back from vacationing or visiting my inlaws as much. The lack of communication really is out of control. Obviously no one has any respect for my days off or how I want to spent my few days of annual leave a year.

When DH needs something from my family, I discuss it immediately with them.

Do you want to stop vacationing or visiting? If so, sure, use this as an excuse. But if you do want to continue, or see some value in it for any kids; it's pretty silly.

OP here. I don't want to stop visiting them. I like them and they're good parents to DH. I know my SILs and MIL have been making plans, but we're completely cut off from the plans because DH doesn't discuss it with them. And yeah, of course this means our kids get the short end of the stick.

Are your fingers broken? Have your MIL and SIL prohibited you from having their contact info? If the answer is no, you are not 'completely cut off from the plans'. You are making a deliberate choice not to get the details you want/need because you want your DH to interface with your ILs. How's that working for you? If you 'pull back from vacationing or visiting your ILs as much', will that get you what you want?

I get being annoyed. My DH has ADHD. I do what a PP has suggested work at our house is assigned in a way that it gets done and no one is resentful. If you want to spend time with your ILs, I don't get why you're choosing to die on this hill.

OP here. I'm not really comfortable discussing vacation planning and budget with my inlaws (we have similar issues with holidays). I would like my DH to step up. I'm not willing to do this for him. Every time he doesn't want to do a chore I should take it over for him? I would like MIL and my SILs to include me but they don't and it's hard for me to butt in on their planning as an inlaw.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go.

"Sorry to miss out this time, but no one was communicating and I didn't have good information about time tables, which affects my work schedule and our pet boarding plans. If you want me to come on future trips, I need to have basic information about logistics at least X days in advance."

[Anonymous]

Why do you do the same year after year and expect a different outcome? I think you're the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you do the same year after year and expect a different outcome? I think you're the problem.

OP here. I don't know. I would like to change this boat around, but it's the same thing every year. DH promises he'll communicate better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not going to pick up DH's slack here. I would like to know the cost of hotels and such since we're paying. Sigh.

Then I guess you find out when the bill comes. Personally, I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face -- giving yourself more worries due to insisting on the way you think it ought to be rather than accepting the way it is. But that's your choice. In that case, your only option is to try to relax. I wouldn't expect the dynamic to change. Why would it? You are the only one unhappy with it and you won't make a change. Good luck.

+1000. Come on OP.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are being stubborn for no reason. You are trying to parent your husband into behaving differently. He is an adult. Obviously your strategy isn't working. If you want to go on this and future trips, just expect that you are going to have to make the phone call. It really doesn't seem like a big deal. Tell DH either has has to call his parents tonight, or you will. And if he doesn't, you do it. You sound like a drama queen. And doing this one thing that will benefit your entire family doesn't mean you have to start picking up his slack in every other area. You are keeping score too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you can't get someone to watch the dog on short notice, you and DH will have to stay home, right? Problem solved and hopefully Dh will step up next time.

+1

Tell him that you need to know when to schedule the dog-sitter, because if you don't have a dog-sitter, you can't go. Repeat for any other relevant factors--scheduling leave for work, etc. If he can't be bothered to get the information in time, then the natural consequence is that you don't go on the trip.

Or call your MIL and get the information.

I'm on this team. If it is important to him, he needs to participate. If he doesn't pull his own weight, well, he can't be mad at you if it falls apart. "Poor planning on your part does not constitute and emergency on my part." Mild example, my husband often forgets his sunglasses. I used to remind him. But then, I decided, he's a grown as man. Maybe if he has to squint into the sun for an 8 hour drive, he'll remember them in the future. And if he doesn't, oh well.

[Anonymous]

Ahh DCUM. Anytime someone has an issue with their inlaws, they're told that their husband should manage it. Except when husband's don't, it's back on the wife's plate.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely no way I am going out of my way to call my MIL to bail out my too lazy/stubborn DH. I will not enable that behavior, no matter how simple the work around might be. It's the principal of the matter.

[Anonymous]

Do nothing.

SOrry you have to waste a few vacation days literally doing nothing. But just do nothing.

yes he likely has ADHD (Inattentive strain) but he is also acting PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE by not getting back to you. Don't take the bait. Do nothing.

Hopefully he doesn't drop the ball on everything else with your nuclear family and household. BTW, you should see the Sidwell Friends' dads - all in shape, super involved, on top of everything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not going to pick up DH's slack here. I would like to know the cost of hotels and such since we're paying. Sigh.

Then I guess you find out when the bill comes. Personally, I think you are cutting off your nose to spite your face -- giving yourself more worries due to insisting on the way you think it ought to be rather than accepting the way it is. But that's your choice. In that case, your only option is to try to relax. I wouldn't expect the dynamic to change. Why would it? You are the only one unhappy with it and you won't make a change. Good luck.

+1000. Come on OP.

OP's DH is probably like my DH. Does everything at the last minute, and overpays for below average options due to lack of planning. But spares no expense when it comes to his own parents - last minute overpriced gifts on Amazon, last minute expensive dinners out, last minute flights, etc. etc. etc. Mr. Last Minute. Someday the door will hit him on the way out, and he'll play his victim role yet again, and I and the kids will rejoice at getting rid of these constant setbacks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if you can't get someone to watch the dog on short notice, you and DH will have to stay home, right? Problem solved and hopefully Dh will step up next time.

+1

Tell him that you need to know when to schedule the dog-sitter, because if you don't have a dog-sitter, you can't go. Repeat for any other relevant factors--scheduling leave for work, etc. If he can't be bothered to get the information in time, then the natural consequence is that you don't go on the trip.

Or call your MIL and get the information.

I'm on this team. If it is important to him, he needs to participate. If he doesn't pull his own weight, well, he can't be mad at you if it falls apart. "Poor planning on your part does not constitute and emergency on my part." Mild example, my husband often forgets his sunglasses. I used to remind him. But then, I decided, he's a grown as man. Maybe if he has to squint into the sun for an 8 hour drive, he'll remember them in the future. And if he doesn't, oh well.

Yeah, I took that approach as well. He now owns 8 electric shavers, 6 swimming trunks and at least 4 pairs of cheap drugstore sunglasses since he's 37 and still does not know how to pack a damn suitcase for work, vacation or weekend trips.
I thank his mother and father for teaching him some real life skillz. Yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there any cure for this? We're going on a week long trip with my inlaws leaving this weekend and I haven't heard a peep about this trip. DH loves his family, but won't talk to them and can't figure out the plans. I don't know what day we're leaving (so I can coordinate a dog watcher), where we're staying, or any activities that are planned.

We're both Type A people but I bet DH has ADD. He's extremely busy, works long hours and always has multiple things he's juggling. So do I and I shouldn't have to pick up his slack. I know that if this was a situation at work he would have called immediately. Anytime I mention it to him (I'm not a nag), he states that his parents haven't called him either. I'm a huge planner and this drives me absolutely insane. I try to follow "natural consequences" and to let DH deal with his family and I deal with mine, but this always happens. We've been married nearly a decade and this is still going on. It makes me not ever want to meet up with my inlaws because of this.

Wait a minute. Who is planning this trip? If it's your MIL and FIL, give them a quick buzz.
If it's your DH, do nothing and say nothing.

BTW, you're not a "huge planner" if you actually book, make a list of possible things to do, and communicate your vacation plans to those going on the trip. That's normal behavior. Not anal, not slacker, Normal.

[Anonymous]

You sound like a bitch bully. Your poor husband. Is he whipped ?