Reply to I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage

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Reply to "I feel like having a baby ruined my marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous]What you're experiencing is very common. It's just, out of loyalty to the marriage, people rarely talk about it, so when it's happening to you it feels strange and unprecedented.

The first year of a child's life and the sleep deprivation and all the changes that happen are hugely trying and stressful for a marriage. If there are postpartum mood issues, it becomes even more challenging. And, if people have any issues with their own family of origin, having children and creating a new family often brings up those long-ago issues that you might have thought were resolved or irrelevant to adult life.

I wish I had gone to marriage therapy with my husband when we had issues after #1 but instead I waited until after #2 when we had really hit the pits and our marriage had suffered a lot of damage to trust. I would really encourage you to interview a few therapists and find one you and your spouse both like and go. It can be very helpful.Going to counseling doesn't mean your marriage is going to end.  It just means you are getting some outside insight into your dynamics from someone who has a lot of experience who can help you guys navigate this stuff.

I will say though that our marriage had, looking back, issues prior to kids that we just successfully ignored. When you're just two adults largely doing your own thing, you can do that. But once the two of you are forced to collaborate on something (your kid) that is hugely important and meaningful to you both, all those ignored issues can come to the surface. So does having a baby "ruin" a marriage? No, but it tests it. It's easy to say platitudes like "be nice to each other" or "just have sex" but the reality is that some of this stuff, issues with intimate relationships, really takes some thinking and work and having a professional --if it's a good one-- can really help. [/quote]

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