Benefits of ADHD? Screening Dates for ADHD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why I click on these threads--so many people just trying to find something to blame for their lousy marriages.
Op, the answer is that you marry the individual, not a diagnosis. If your boyfriend is unreliable, disrespectful of your time and effort and lacks insight into his own shortcomings, you should dump him--it doesn't matter what the cause is. Many people with ADHD have a tremendous amount of insight into their condition and how to arrange their life to provide the necessary structural supports. It's like diabetes or allergies--you have to recognize the condition and what you need to do in order to minimize symptoms.

And PP, I have a highly competitive white collar job. I never late with assignments--it's not that hard to be on time with electronic calendars, pop up reminderd, plus I use a set of routines I've developed to keep track of my dozens of concurrent assignments. You know whose always late with assignments? The damn millenials that work under me, all of whom seem to think that dates are mere suggestions. I don't think they all have ADHD--it's just how they were raised. So, again, look to how someone acts, not their diagnosis.

This.

You don't have severe or even moderate ADHD if you have a white collar job where you successfully manage dozens of concurrent assignments and are never late.

Simply untrue. You know there is treatment for ADHD, right?
Np

of course I do. I have a son with mild/moderate ADHD (still not clear how severe it will end up) and it runs strong in his family. I would never in a million years suggest my son or his relatives get a job involving paper pushing/"dozens of concurrent assigments." that would require meth-head levels of ritalin (which already caused serious problems for one relative) or constant stress and misery on the edge of failure. mind you there ARE careers they can be highly successful, no disputing that.

What are the best careers for people with ADHD?

DP

https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/jobs-for-people-with-adhd/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why I click on these threads--so many people just trying to find something to blame for their lousy marriages.
Op, the answer is that you marry the individual, not a diagnosis. If your boyfriend is unreliable, disrespectful of your time and effort and lacks insight into his own shortcomings, you should dump him--it doesn't matter what the cause is. Many people with ADHD have a tremendous amount of insight into their condition and how to arrange their life to provide the necessary structural supports. It's like diabetes or allergies--you have to recognize the condition and what you need to do in order to minimize symptoms.

And PP, I have a highly competitive white collar job. I never late with assignments--it's not that hard to be on time with electronic calendars, pop up reminderd, plus I use a set of routines I've developed to keep track of my dozens of concurrent assignments. You know whose always late with assignments? The damn millenials that work under me, all of whom seem to think that dates are mere suggestions. I don't think they all have ADHD--it's just how they were raised. So, again, look to how someone acts, not their diagnosis.

This.

You don't have severe or even moderate ADHD if you have a white collar job where you successfully manage dozens of concurrent assignments and are never late.

You don't know me, and you can't say that. You are just incorrect. That is like saying that every diabetic is doomed to having their toes cut off. If you learn how to live with your diagnosis and set up the appropriate supports for yourself, then it can be very manageable. One thing that might make my life a bit easier is that, personality wise, I am interested in a lot of different things. They always say people with ADHD have trouble doing work that is not interesting to them. Luckily, I find that there is something interesting about almost everything out there. I like history, politics, science, literature, mathematics music, the little details of how people live their lives, etc. I know other people who have much narrower interests (e.g., only professional sports) -- whether or not they have ADHD, I think their lives are more difficult.

[Anonymous]

And, just to add -- I did quit a job where, instead of dozens of concurrent assignments, I had scores of concurrent assignments. That was too much for me to juggle. But dozens is fine -- I have a working list of short-term and a few working lists of long term assignments. I do a daily quick check of my immediate lists; a weekly re-do of my immediate list; a monthly and quarterly revision of my long-term, plus I use calendar dates and reminders. If I had not learned what works for me, as an individual, over 40+ years of living with this condition, I would be a mess.

The biggest challenge for me typically is forcing myself to do the stuff that I really don't like, which sinks to the bottom of my list. (For this, I use incentives. I can get a tasty snack if I cross off three of the crap-assignments on my to-do list.) Or when there's a new thing that I need to build into my life -- like when everyone started using evites for party invitations, I initially let a few fall through the cracks while I adjusted to that new system. Now I love evite because it's all in one place, and secretly resent the people that use paperless post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why I click on these threads--so many people just trying to find something to blame for their lousy marriages.
Op, the answer is that you marry the individual, not a diagnosis. If your boyfriend is unreliable, disrespectful of your time and effort and lacks insight into his own shortcomings, you should dump him--it doesn't matter what the cause is. Many people with ADHD have a tremendous amount of insight into their condition and how to arrange their life to provide the necessary structural supports. It's like diabetes or allergies--you have to recognize the condition and what you need to do in order to minimize symptoms.

And PP, I have a highly competitive white collar job. I never late with assignments--it's not that hard to be on time with electronic calendars, pop up reminderd, plus I use a set of routines I've developed to keep track of my dozens of concurrent assignments. You know whose always late with assignments? The damn millenials that work under me, all of whom seem to think that dates are mere suggestions. I don't think they all have ADHD--it's just how they were raised. So, again, look to how someone acts, not their diagnosis.

This.

You don't have severe or even moderate ADHD if you have a white collar job where you successfully manage dozens of concurrent assignments and are never late.

You don't know me, and you can't say that. You are just incorrect. That is like saying that every diabetic is doomed to having their toes cut off. If you learn how to live with your diagnosis and set up the appropriate supports for yourself, then it can be very manageable. One thing that might make my life a bit easier is that, personality wise, I am interested in a lot of different things. They always say people with ADHD have trouble doing work that is not interesting to them. Luckily, I find that there is something interesting about almost everything out there. I like history, politics, science, literature, mathematics music, the little details of how people live their lives, etc. I know other people who have much narrower interests (e.g., only professional sports) -- whether or not they have ADHD, I think their lives are more difficult.

Who diagnosed you? Do you take medication? Is it mild or moderate?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to be rude but what are the benefits of dating someone with ADHD?

There is this thread on here where people have it, but they wouldn't want to be married to someone with it. Doesn't that mean that people who don't have it should run like hell if they don't want to be burdened?

Then there is another thread where someone is trying to learn how to love or tolerate their ADHD spouse or something.

Isn't this a warning sign of something to consider when dating?

But some people don't know they have it until later so should people screen their potential marriage partners for ADHD?

These are serious questions.

OP it's not just ADHD but you screen and take note of any red flags from the beginning. Did this person ever cheat on their partner or do they have a temper?

I had a good friend that was a PI and she made me learn to check them out right from the get go. Many women won't do this yet complain later about how bad their husbands are. It was all right there to begin with. I wouldn't just focus on ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad I didnt screen out my ADHD husband! He's extremely crestive ans brings home enough money to support our family pf 6 with a very comfortable DC life. Clearly with 4 kids and me not working, i take care of thr minutia at home, including bill paying, investments, and maximizing tax savings in addition to the kids school and sports schedule. He only has tp focus on his job and coming home and spending relaxing nights and weekends with us.

I would choose him 100xs over again. Messy car, lost credit cards, and misplaced keys and all.

He's probably just a bit scattered and maybe traditionally minded so he "can't" do those things as long as there's a woman around to pick up the slack. People with ACTUAL ADHD also have serious problems at work and don't manage to have high-earning white collar jobs without a lot of stress on themselves and their families. Maybe there's an exception for more adaptive jobs, but I can't think of what they would be.

You're full of ****. Show me where in the DSM for ADHD that it says that people with ADHD can't have strong careers.

I agree. So much misinformation. It's like when parents say the kid behaves in school but not at home, so it must not be ADHD, they're probably just willful and/or lazy. A lot of people with ADHD use all their energy to hold it together during school and work, then sort of fall apart when they get home.

Um, no ... the actual definition of ADHD is that there are dysfunctions in multiple settings. If there's a grown man who's highly successful at work with no issues who claims he just "falls apart" at home and can't take care of any domestic details ... you've been bamboozled. I know that many people with ADHD are very successful but this is because they make adaptations at work (ie a job where it's ok to be the absent minded genius or where no planning/willpower is required) or they really suffer (see: my DH who procrastinates terribly and takes 12 hrs to do 4 hrs of work).

PP, you are getting ridiculous and it's apparent you have an axe to grind.

FYI, some professions can be the exact match for people with ADHD. It could be that the successful ADHD husband is a computer programmer. It's a fact that people with ADHD can be hyper-focused and computer work is easy to get lost in and can be very structured. It can also be a black hole sucking you in for hours beyond reasonable.

FWIW, when communicating with someone on the phone I almost always doing something else on the computer.

I see you can't focus enough to even fully read my posts.

I 100% agree there are jobs that people with ADHD can be suited for. But what happens if the guy hasn't lucked into that specific career? And all jobs require some paperwork. What happens when he goes six months without filing needed reports? Generally if the employee is very brilliant otherwise he'll get a pass, but not everyone is that brilliant.

And what happens at home, where there's a lot of detail work and schedules to keep with kids? If the wife is OK with a traditional marriage where she handles everything, great. If not, trouble.

I do believe that some men with ADHD can be good partners if they are also humble, kind, and aware of their limitations and burdens they cause, and sincerely work on compensating.

Lucked into? Anyone under the age of 40 should have had advantages in dealing with ADHD and should therefore have set a course that wouldn't necessitate lucking into a career.

Schedules? People with ADHD often need schedules/lists to follow. Never had a problem with that but when left with nothing written down I would tend to wander off...

As for the rest of your comments...with a small correction I will simply stand with..." it's apparent you have an ax to grind."

Wow. If treating *actual* ADHD were as simple as "setting a course" for schooling/careers that work, then ADHD truly would be no issue at all. For those who actually have ADHD (moderate/severe) it's a lifelong, chronic condition that require much more than just blithely "setting a course." I'm not talking about people who just get a little jumpy in an office or prefer a lot of stimulation. I'm talking about people who are truly dysfunctional, who never perform to the level their intelligence would indicate -- flunking out repeatedly, getting fired, accidents that result in serious consequences. It's not pretty to see.

I know 3 women married to men with fairly severe ADHD (including me). All of us have very serious careers. #1 copes by outsourcing a ton and having her mom live with them. #2 doesn't really cope well at all and has a terrible homelife (she would even say this) that's looking up finally because her DH got on the right meds/therapy. #3 (me) is somewhere in between -- I outsource as much as I can, and pick and chose the rest, and have a much more difficult life than I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad I didnt screen out my ADHD husband! He's extremely crestive ans brings home enough money to support our family pf 6 with a very comfortable DC life. Clearly with 4 kids and me not working, i take care of thr minutia at home, including bill paying, investments, and maximizing tax savings in addition to the kids school and sports schedule. He only has tp focus on his job and coming home and spending relaxing nights and weekends with us.

I would choose him 100xs over again. Messy car, lost credit cards, and misplaced keys and all.

He's probably just a bit scattered and maybe traditionally minded so he "can't" do those things as long as there's a woman around to pick up the slack. People with ACTUAL ADHD also have serious problems at work and don't manage to have high-earning white collar jobs without a lot of stress on themselves and their families. Maybe there's an exception for more adaptive jobs, but I can't think of what they would be.

You're full of ****. Show me where in the DSM for ADHD that it says that people with ADHD can't have strong careers.

I agree. So much misinformation. It's like when parents say the kid behaves in school but not at home, so it must not be ADHD, they're probably just willful and/or lazy. A lot of people with ADHD use all their energy to hold it together during school and work, then sort of fall apart when they get home.

Um, no ... the actual definition of ADHD is that there are dysfunctions in multiple settings. If there's a grown man who's highly successful at work with no issues who claims he just "falls apart" at home and can't take care of any domestic details ... you've been bamboozled. I know that many people with ADHD are very successful but this is because they make adaptations at work (ie a job where it's ok to be the absent minded genius or where no planning/willpower is required) or they really suffer (see: my DH who procrastinates terribly and takes 12 hrs to do 4 hrs of work).

PP, you are getting ridiculous and it's apparent you have an axe to grind.

FYI, some professions can be the exact match for people with ADHD. It could be that the successful ADHD husband is a computer programmer. It's a fact that people with ADHD can be hyper-focused and computer work is easy to get lost in and can be very structured. It can also be a black hole sucking you in for hours beyond reasonable.

FWIW, when communicating with someone on the phone I almost always doing something else on the computer.

I see you can't focus enough to even fully read my posts.

I 100% agree there are jobs that people with ADHD can be suited for. But what happens if the guy hasn't lucked into that specific career? And all jobs require some paperwork. What happens when he goes six months without filing needed reports? Generally if the employee is very brilliant otherwise he'll get a pass, but not everyone is that brilliant.

And what happens at home, where there's a lot of detail work and schedules to keep with kids? If the wife is OK with a traditional marriage where she handles everything, great. If not, trouble.

I do believe that some men with ADHD can be good partners if they are also humble, kind, and aware of their limitations and burdens they cause, and sincerely work on compensating.

Lucked into? Anyone under the age of 40 should have had advantages in dealing with ADHD and should therefore have set a course that wouldn't necessitate lucking into a career.

Schedules? People with ADHD often need schedules/lists to follow. Never had a problem with that but when left with nothing written down I would tend to wander off...

As for the rest of your comments...with a small correction I will simply stand with..." it's apparent you have an ax to grind."

Wow. If treating *actual* ADHD were as simple as "setting a course" for schooling/careers that work, then ADHD truly would be no issue at all. For those who actually have ADHD (moderate/severe) it's a lifelong, chronic condition that require much more than just blithely "setting a course." I'm not talking about people who just get a little jumpy in an office or prefer a lot of stimulation. I'm talking about people who are truly dysfunctional, who never perform to the level their intelligence would indicate -- flunking out repeatedly, getting fired, accidents that result in serious consequences. It's not pretty to see.

I know 3 women married to men with fairly severe ADHD (including me). All of us have very serious careers. #1 copes by outsourcing a ton and having her mom live with them. #2 doesn't really cope well at all and has a terrible homelife (she would even say this) that's looking up finally because her DH got on the right meds/therapy. #3 (me) is somewhere in between -- I outsource as much as I can, and pick and chose the rest, and have a much more difficult life than I wanted.

You're attempting to lecture someone that knows a hell of a lot about ADHD, lived with it when it wasn't a known quantity, as an adult went into depths that I wouldn't wish on an enemy and saw what it did to my family. BUT, I got help and it does not rule my life as it once did. Pills aren't the answer but can be an aid and I was truly blessed that when I sought help I found some of the finest in the field. I, not they, I, changed my life because I wanted to. With few exceptions it can be bettered, can be managed and life can be altered as a result. But it takes a lot of work, time and patience.

Many people don't realize that there is often more to it than just ADHD. There are some who suffer bi-polar episodes as a result but aren't in fact bi-polar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why I click on these threads--so many people just trying to find something to blame for their lousy marriages.
Op, the answer is that you marry the individual, not a diagnosis. If your boyfriend is unreliable, disrespectful of your time and effort and lacks insight into his own shortcomings, you should dump him--it doesn't matter what the cause is. Many people with ADHD have a tremendous amount of insight into their condition and how to arrange their life to provide the necessary structural supports. It's like diabetes or allergies--you have to recognize the condition and what you need to do in order to minimize symptoms.

And PP, I have a highly competitive white collar job. I never late with assignments--it's not that hard to be on time with electronic calendars, pop up reminderd, plus I use a set of routines I've developed to keep track of my dozens of concurrent assignments. You know whose always late with assignments? The damn millenials that work under me, all of whom seem to think that dates are mere suggestions. I don't think they all have ADHD--it's just how they were raised. So, again, look to how someone acts, not their diagnosis.

This.

You don't have severe or even moderate ADHD if you have a white collar job where you successfully manage dozens of concurrent assignments and are never late.

Simply untrue. You know there is treatment for ADHD, right?
Np

of course I do. I have a son with mild/moderate ADHD (still not clear how severe it will end up) and it runs strong in his family. I would never in a million years suggest my son or his relatives get a job involving paper pushing/"dozens of concurrent assigments." that would require meth-head levels of ritalin (which already caused serious problems for one relative) or constant stress and misery on the edge of failure. mind you there ARE careers they can be highly successful, no disputing that.

Ritalin has nothing to do with meth. Please stop pedaling that myth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Glad I didnt screen out my ADHD husband! He's extremely crestive ans brings home enough money to support our family pf 6 with a very comfortable DC life. Clearly with 4 kids and me not working, i take care of thr minutia at home, including bill paying, investments, and maximizing tax savings in addition to the kids school and sports schedule. He only has tp focus on his job and coming home and spending relaxing nights and weekends with us.

I would choose him 100xs over again. Messy car, lost credit cards, and misplaced keys and all.

This is the perfect spouse for a (functional) ADD partner. If you have dreams of your own high-flying career, or equal partners in everything, it is a recipe for frustration.

As in many things, you are looking for a match. Don't have rose-colored glasses, and remember that every issue you find in someone you are dating will get less easy to tolerate with marriage and children. Don't pick someone who has "quirks" you can barely live with before either of those things happens!

When you marry ANY person, be it ADD or not, that makes good money, that comes with a high price. People cracking 7 figures are not exactly working 9-5. I left my 6 figure, chained to a desk 6 figure snooze fest of a government job because at that point, what exactly was the point?

I