Benefits of ADHD? Screening Dates for ADHD?

[Anonymous]

I'm not trying to be rude but what are the benefits of dating someone with ADHD?

There is this thread on here where people have it, but they wouldn't want to be married to someone with it. Doesn't that mean that people who don't have it should run like hell if they don't want to be burdened?

Then there is another thread where someone is trying to learn how to love or tolerate their ADHD spouse or something.

Isn't this a warning sign of something to consider when dating?

But some people don't know they have it until later so should people screen their potential marriage partners for ADHD?

These are serious questions.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't screen people out just because of it. If they refuse to acknowledge it or treat it, then run. But just having ADHD isn't a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

You'll quickly be able to tell as you get to know them and see how they can't manage daily life.

My DH has ADHD and yes, it sucks. He told me he had one girlfriend who summarily dumped him soon after she experienced his chronic lateness and disorder. She told him "I'm looking for someone capable of equally running a household and raising kids." Smart woman!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to be rude but what are the benefits of dating someone with ADHD?

There is this thread on here where people have it, but they wouldn't want to be married to someone with it. Doesn't that mean that people who don't have it should run like hell if they don't want to be burdened?

Then there is another thread where someone is trying to learn how to love or tolerate their ADHD spouse or something.

Isn't this a warning sign of something to consider when dating?

But some people don't know they have it until later so should people screen their potential marriage partners for ADHD?

These are serious questions.

Op,

No one is perfect and every human has flaws. If you are a cut and dry personality who is an accountant ( or some type of engineer) that the disorder might drive you crazy. However, the upside if you appreciate it is the fun and creative spirit that most ADHD people have.

To me marrying someone who has nothing to say ( my SIL is one of those people) than that would drive me crazy. And no it isn't because she doesn't like me because we do get along. She could come back from Paris and have nothing to say. "It' was fun" Is her house orderly and very clean? Absolutely! But, there isn't much creativity or chat.

And yes, we all have ADHD ( inattentive). We didn't discover it until later because no one knew/talked about it when we were young. And then we only heard about the hyperactive version so we didn't think it applied to "dreamers" but then we had kids who have it. If you know the symptoms than you don't have to screen your partner because you will already know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You'll quickly be able to tell as you get to know them and see how they can't manage daily life.

My DH has ADHD and yes, it sucks. He told me he had one girlfriend who summarily dumped him soon after she experienced his chronic lateness and disorder. She told him "I'm looking for someone capable of equally running a household and raising kids." Smart woman!

This.

I got engaged to a guy who did not disclose or treat his ADHD. I had a son with him, I am not fully responsible for my son's day to day. I broke up with him and he has promptly lost his job, ruined his credit, lives with his sister, does not pay child support, got his car repossessed. The only thing he gives our son his love and thats enough for me.

RUN as far as you can.

[Anonymous]

Glad I didnt screen out my ADHD husband! He's extremely crestive ans brings home enough money to support our family pf 6 with a very comfortable DC life. Clearly with 4 kids and me not working, i take care of thr minutia at home, including bill paying, investments, and maximizing tax savings in addition to the kids school and sports schedule. He only has tp focus on his job and coming home and spending relaxing nights and weekends with us.

I would choose him 100xs over again. Messy car, lost credit cards, and misplaced keys and all.

[Anonymous]

OP, everyone has their stuff, that's why you should get to know someone well and see how they do in good times and bad before you decide to marry them, ADHD or no. And even then, all the best "screening" before marriage isn't a guarantee of a happy marriage or easy life. My DH has ADHD and it creates some challenges, but we work with it and we're happy. I'd much rather have my ADHD spouse than my friend's spouse who became an alcoholic after their second child was born. And I wouldn't want to trade places with my cousin whose spouse was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's when their youngest was still in high school, or the wife of my friend who just died of a heart attack last week at 37.

Know yourself and what you can tolerate, but also have a little perspective.

[Anonymous]

My XDH had ADHD had very poor self esteem. I am really well organized and have big shoulders, so the lack of a partner in logistics didn't bother me and I rarely criticized him for mistakes.

What I hated, though, was that he seemed really threatened by older DC and refused to help with tuition for that kid's Ivy, supposedly simply because it was an Ivy, although he said he'd be fine paying $55k to an out-of-state public school. Meanwhile he tried to encourage younger DC to be the sort of entitled slacker XDH and his siblings basically are, buying younger DC a car (but no car for older DC, go figure) and actually telling younger DC not to study for a class he had a D in, and actually smoked pot with him. This is what I resent my Ex for, much, much more than his lack of co-parenting or the way he treated me.

I guess my message is, don't underestimate the mental issues, like depression and anxiety, that frequently go hand-in-hand with ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, everyone has their stuff, that's why you should get to know someone well and see how they do in good times and bad before you decide to marry them, ADHD or no. And even then, all the best "screening" before marriage isn't a guarantee of a happy marriage or easy life. My DH has ADHD and it creates some challenges, but we work with it and we're happy. I'd much rather have my ADHD spouse than my friend's spouse who became an alcoholic after their second child was born. And I wouldn't want to trade places with my cousin whose spouse was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's when their youngest was still in high school, or the wife of my friend who just died of a heart attack last week at 37.

Know yourself and what you can tolerate, but also have a little perspective.

I think this is a wise post. Perspective is everything.

[Anonymous]

Random posts from random threads indicates that this should be avoided. I understand feeling empathy for those with this, but where is the empathy for those who have to deal with these people? Really I should say "these men" because it mostly seems to be men with ADHD who cause stress.

Anonymous wrote:Nope nope nope. Married to DH who was diagnosed with ADHD only recently, and only when the addition of children in our live broke/overwhelmed his existing cover mechanisms and coping skills. If he's not managing it as a bachelor, it will only get worse when a partnership and shared responsibility as well as cooperation are required. If I was dating DH when he was diagnosed and the symptoms appeared rather than marries with kids, I would have run.

Anonymous wrote:Any tips on living with an ADHD partner? Oy. Love him to death but omg...sometimes it gets a little overwhelming. It shouldn't be my responsibility to finish all his projects and clean up all his messes! I already have toddlers for that!

Anonymous wrote:would I marry someone with ADHD?

only if we didn't plan to have kids. Or, I planned to SAHM and handle everything myself and not get resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad I didnt screen out my ADHD husband! He's extremely crestive ans brings home enough money to support our family pf 6 with a very comfortable DC life. Clearly with 4 kids and me not working, i take care of thr minutia at home, including bill paying, investments, and maximizing tax savings in addition to the kids school and sports schedule. He only has tp focus on his job and coming home and spending relaxing nights and weekends with us.

I would choose him 100xs over again. Messy car, lost credit cards, and misplaced keys and all.

Im jelly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, everyone has their stuff, that's why you should get to know someone well and see how they do in good times and bad before you decide to marry them, ADHD or no. And even then, all the best "screening" before marriage isn't a guarantee of a happy marriage or easy life. My DH has ADHD and it creates some challenges, but we work with it and we're happy. I'd much rather have my ADHD spouse than my friend's spouse who became an alcoholic after their second child was born. And I wouldn't want to trade places with my cousin whose spouse was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's when their youngest was still in high school, or the wife of my friend who just died of a heart attack last week at 37.

Know yourself and what you can tolerate, but also have a little perspective.

I think this is a wise post. Perspective is everything.

+1 OP, are you also going to ask for people's results from DNA testing (perhaps 23 and Me?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not trying to be rude but what are the benefits of dating someone with ADHD?

There is this thread on here where people have it, but they wouldn't want to be married to someone with it. Doesn't that mean that people who don't have it should run like hell if they don't want to be burdened?

Then there is another thread where someone is trying to learn how to love or tolerate their ADHD spouse or something.

Isn't this a warning sign of something to consider when dating?

But some people don't know they have it until later so should people screen their potential marriage partners for ADHD?

These are serious questions.

We're not boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Glad I didnt screen out my ADHD husband! He's extremely crestive ans brings home enough money to support our family pf 6 with a very comfortable DC life. Clearly with 4 kids and me not working, i take care of thr minutia at home, including bill paying, investments, and maximizing tax savings in addition to the kids school and sports schedule. He only has tp focus on his job and coming home and spending relaxing nights and weekends with us.

I would choose him 100xs over again. Messy car, lost credit cards, and misplaced keys and all.

He's probably just a bit scattered and maybe traditionally minded so he "can't" do those things as long as there's a woman around to pick up the slack. People with ACTUAL ADHD also have serious problems at work and don't manage to have high-earning white collar jobs without a lot of stress on themselves and their families. Maybe there's an exception for more adaptive jobs, but I can't think of what they would be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, everyone has their stuff, that's why you should get to know someone well and see how they do in good times and bad before you decide to marry them, ADHD or no. And even then, all the best "screening" before marriage isn't a guarantee of a happy marriage or easy life. My DH has ADHD and it creates some challenges, but we work with it and we're happy. I'd much rather have my ADHD spouse than my friend's spouse who became an alcoholic after their second child was born. And I wouldn't want to trade places with my cousin whose spouse was diagnosed with early-onset Alzheimer's when their youngest was still in high school, or the wife of my friend who just died of a heart attack last week at 37.

Know yourself and what you can tolerate, but also have a little perspective.

Good point. Not everyone with ADHD is the same. If my ADHD DH were more able to accept his shortcomings and compromise fairly (and didn't have some other bad personal characteristics) it wouldn't be so bad.