WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Long story short my brother was dating a woman, she got pregnant, they got engaged shortly before the baby was born, he left about a month later, came back 2 months later and then left again for good. He has no contact with this woman or his child. Yes my brother is scum.
Not surprisingly after this all happened the woman pushed all of us away, my parents were never very nice to her from the start because of her background.

That's the backstory, well last year around a year ago I tracked this woman down on FB and messaged her "I saw your profile. Hope you and niece are well. Sorry for how my family treated you. Feel free to add me as a friend; I'd love to be more in touch with you." sort of thing.

She didn't respond for a couple of months, but when she did she thanked me for the kind words, and we exchanged messages frequently after that. Early this year she was in the area, and ask me if I would like to meet my niece and I did that. Since then, we message on social media, text, and call each other.

She's going to be in the area again, and asked if I could watch my niece for a little while why she takes care of things. The problem is the time she needs is when I am supposed to attend my brother's wife's shower.

I haven't told my family about being in contact with his ex. Do I just tell her I'm not available and not explain why? I want to help her out, but there's no way I can skip the shower. I feel terribly that she's left to deal with everything on her own while my SIL is fawned over.

[Anonymous]

Your niece is more important than anyone else. What does she need?

[Anonymous]

Your brother's wife's baby shower? As in the brother who is the father of this child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your brother's wife's baby shower? As in the brother who is the father of this child?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

If you can't skip the shower, tell her you're sorry but you have another commitment at that time, and then offer her a recommendation for a local sitter (if you know one). You can't tell her why you're not available, that would be unnecessarily cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your niece is more important than anyone else. What does she need?

She's just asking me to watch my niece, just look after her for the day.

[Anonymous]

If it's the same brother I'd skip the shower ad send a gift. I would probably say I'm sick. Sounds like your family wouldn't handle well the news that you're in touch with niece and her mom. She needs you more than brother/SIL/family does for a large gathering.

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to go to the shower and then meet with her? Or meet her before the shower? Usually after 3-4 hours showers are over. It seems as though you like this woman better than your SIL but you can not miss your SIL shower, without creating problems.

[Anonymous]

That poor child!!! She was basically abandoned! I would not attend brothers new wife's shower honestly. How awful!!! I hope he as at least paying child support!!!

[Anonymous]

Explain to her the shower, and tell her you can watch your niece before and after, or ditch the shower. One kid is needs watching, the other is safely tucked in a womb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your brother's wife's baby shower? As in the brother who is the father of this child?

Yes.

Oh no no no OP. You have way overstepped your boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Are you ever planning to tell your family that you're in touch with her? If not, these kinds of conflicts are going to keep coming up over the years. What solution is going to let you sleep well at night?

I admit, I'm biased because the notion that your whole family would disown their child/grandchild and act as if she doesn't exist is deeply repulsive to me, so I think I'd have a hard time keeping silent and pretending I'm on board with their awful behavior.

[Anonymous]

Ugh--sorry your family kind of sucks. I would not be honest, none of this sounds like your SIL's fault and it will ruin her day + cause a lot of drama for a pregnant lady.

Tell your SIL that you are ill and take care of your niece. I think you have a fragile relationship with your niece's mom and if you back out/refuse, she may go away and you won't see either one again.

Send a nice gift for the shower and take your SIL to lunch or dinner at a later time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you can't skip the shower, tell her you're sorry but you have another commitment at that time, and then offer her a recommendation for a local sitter (if you know one). You can't tell her why you're not available, that would be unnecessarily cruel.

+1. Or ask her if she can rearrange her schedule.

I wouldn't continue to keep this a secret. Isn't your family going to be upset when they find out you've been keeping this from them?

[Anonymous]

This is a rhetorical question yes?

Of course you can skip the shower.