How important is a 40th wedding anniversary

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont think it's all that important but it is certainly more important than other things yiu listed. 2 weekends with 2 birthday parties each? Come on.

OP here - the only birthday conflict with this party is my baby's first birthday. I mentioned the others only to say that I'm tired because we have a lot going on. I'm not sure why people are bashing me, I genuinely wanted to know if this is an important deal or not - 40 is kind of arbitrary. My parents had a big 50th wedding anniversary party that we traveled for, but didn't do anything for their 40th. My ILs are much younger than my parents and are in great health.

my mother was in perfect health and six month later she was dead. 10 years is a long time to gamble that two grandparents will be alive.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. OP just saw her IL's, so I still don't understand what the big deal is about a short notice anniversary party. Should they go live with them in case they die one day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is important and you should go.

This.

It is. Skip some of the birthday parties and go, This should be a priority IMO.

Your newly diagnosed isn'the making you second guess random unimportant parties?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here...I don't get the whole celebrate anniversary thing with other people. What is the purpose? Aren't anniversaries about celebrating with each other? My parents have never once celebrated their anniversaries and neither have my ILs. In fact, DH and I have never celebrated our anniversaries with each other. I also don't get celebrating non-kids' birthdays either.

Well, don't you just sound like a big ol' barrel of fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is important and you should go.

This.

It is. Skip some of the birthday parties and go, This should be a priority IMO.

Your newly diagnosed isn'the making you second guess random unimportant parties?

Let me guess, OP, you don't like your in-laws, either.

Also your new disease sounds like a great career move -- you can run around like a dervish doing stuff YOU want to do, but oh boy will that disease flare up if it's something you don't want to do.

[Anonymous]

OP here - PP sounds like a horrid bitch, but here's my explanation for what it's worth.

I actually really like my in-laws, I hate traveling with two kids. It's really as simple as that. Anyway, we decided to go for one night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is important and you should go.

This.

It is. Skip some of the birthday parties and go, This should be a priority IMO.

Your newly diagnosed isn'the making you second guess random unimportant parties?

OP here - can you people READ? There are no birthday parties to skip, I just don't want to travel, it's exhausting. It's not like it's in town. Traveling with two little kids is a pain in the ass. Anyway, we're going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont think it's all that important but it is certainly more important than other things yiu listed. 2 weekends with 2 birthday parties each? Come on.

OP here - the only birthday conflict with this party is my baby's first birthday. I mentioned the others only to say that I'm tired because we have a lot going on. I'm not sure why people are bashing me, I genuinely wanted to know if this is an important deal or not - 40 is kind of arbitrary. My parents had a big 50th wedding anniversary party that we traveled for, but didn't do anything for their 40th. My ILs are much younger than my parents and are in great health.

Here's the thing. In our culture, after you reach adulthood, generally you don't celebrate every birthday or anniversary, but you celebrate milestones. Yes, 40 is arbitrary, but it is customary to consider decennial anniversaries milestones. However, milestones are only important if they are important to the honoree. When they are important to the honoree, it is important that loved ones take the time to give them that recognition. Yes, 40 is somewhat arbitrary, but it means something to your in-laws. They have chosen to celebrate this milestone and they have asked for your attendance. If you don't go, it shows that you value random strangers children whose birthdays you attend every weekend more than your husband's parents. That's a harsh message to send. And you can't equate it with having just seen them recently, because that wasn't an event centered around a milestone for which they want acknowledgment.

The baby will not notice the acknowledgment of his/her first birthday milestone. The only memories will be photos and videos. You can take those on any day to acknowledge the first birthday include the weekend before and the weekend after. When the child is old enough to care, those photos and videos will be the same whether offset by a week in either direction. However, your in-laws will already notice that you did not choose to honor their milestone. It may cause some deterioration of your relationship. And whether or not they are in good health, the may still not be around for their next milestone. My godmother was in her 70's but very healthy. She went out to her car one day and while standing at the driver's door unlocking her car, a car came down the street and sideswiped her and her car. She was killed at the scene before emergency medical care could arrive. I have regrets that I hadn't seen her in several years since she moved to the West Coast. Don't cause either yourself or your husband regrets. Go to the milestone anniversary. Reschedule or cancel anything else that may cause you to be too busy or too tired or too whatever to want to commit to this.

[Anonymous]

Is there some reason your DH can't go without you? I think it would be rude for him not to attend. If you don't attend, it's probably less of a big deal since they aren't your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont think it's all that important but it is certainly more important than other things yiu listed. 2 weekends with 2 birthday parties each? Come on.

OP here - the only birthday conflict with this party is my baby's first birthday. I mentioned the others only to say that I'm tired because we have a lot going on. I'm not sure why people are bashing me, I genuinely wanted to know if this is an important deal or not - 40 is kind of arbitrary. My parents had a big 50th wedding anniversary party that we traveled for, but didn't do anything for their 40th. My ILs are much younger than my parents and are in great health.

Here's the thing. In our culture, after you reach adulthood, generally you don't celebrate every birthday or anniversary, but you celebrate milestones. Yes, 40 is arbitrary, but it is customary to consider decennial anniversaries milestones. However, milestones are only important if they are important to the honoree. When they are important to the honoree, it is important that loved ones take the time to give them that recognition. Yes, 40 is somewhat arbitrary, but it means something to your in-laws. They have chosen to celebrate this milestone and they have asked for your attendance. If you don't go, it shows that you value random strangers children whose birthdays you attend every weekend more than your husband's parents. That's a harsh message to send. And you can't equate it with having just seen them recently, because that wasn't an event centered around a milestone for which they want acknowledgment.

The baby will not notice the acknowledgment of his/her first birthday milestone. The only memories will be photos and videos. You can take those on any day to acknowledge the first birthday include the weekend before and the weekend after. When the child is old enough to care, those photos and videos will be the same whether offset by a week in either direction. However, your in-laws will already notice that you did not choose to honor their milestone. It may cause some deterioration of your relationship. And whether or not they are in good health, the may still not be around for their next milestone. My godmother was in her 70's but very healthy. She went out to her car one day and while standing at the driver's door unlocking her car, a car came down the street and sideswiped her and her car. She was killed at the scene before emergency medical care could arrive. I have regrets that I hadn't seen her in several years since she moved to the West Coast. Don't cause either yourself or your husband regrets. Go to the milestone anniversary. Reschedule or cancel anything else that may cause you to be too busy or too tired or too whatever to want to commit to this.

Excellent post,pp. I couldn't agree more, having navigated familial relationships for 30 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont think it's all that important but it is certainly more important than other things yiu listed. 2 weekends with 2 birthday parties each? Come on.

OP here - the only birthday conflict with this party is my baby's first birthday. I mentioned the others only to say that I'm tired because we have a lot going on. I'm not sure why people are bashing me, I genuinely wanted to know if this is an important deal or not - 40 is kind of arbitrary. My parents had a big 50th wedding anniversary party that we traveled for, but didn't do anything for their 40th. My ILs are much younger than my parents and are in great health.

my mother was in perfect health and six month later she was dead. 10 years is a long time to gamble that two grandparents will be alive.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother. OP just saw her IL's, so I still don't understand what the big deal is about a short notice anniversary party. Should they go live with them in case they die one day?

and what is the big deal abou four random birthday parties that make OP so tired she can't go to once in a decade (and possibly the last one) anniversary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is important and you should go.

This.

It is. Skip some of the birthday parties and go, This should be a priority IMO.

Your newly diagnosed isn'the making you second guess random unimportant parties?

OP here - can you people READ? There are no birthday parties to skip, I just don't want to travel, it's exhausting. It's not like it's in town. Traveling with two little kids is a pain in the ass. Anyway, we're going.

Traveling is what you make of it. If your attitude sucks or you put too much pressure on yourself, it won't be fun. When you make it an adventure and manage your expectations, it's usually fun.

We have four kids, and we travel a lot: from road trips to international flights and everything in between. Once your parents hit retirement age, you should simply make the effort for family functions...whatever the occasion.

And you might want to tone down your comparison of your parents and your inlaws...no good will come of it, and it just might infuriate your husband at some point.

[Anonymous]

OP, I assume that if you and your spouse hit the 40-year mark -- at least half of marriages will not -- then you will consider it to be quite an important milestone that others shouldn't treat with a "this is a total waste of my time" attitude?

A 40th anniversary is a big deal for those who get there. So respect that part, and proceed from there. Showing up means a lot.

[Anonymous]

It's a big deal, I would go and celebrate baby's birthday there with a minimum of fuss (cake, couple of presents, pictures). It is tiring, and it does sound like you need to plan ahead from this time forward, and inform your families of your new lower energy level and need to plan ahead.