Stay-At-Home-Mother but not Housekeeper

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cleaning while you have an infant is SO EASY. Save the outsourcing extra work until you have a toddler who can run, move, and create all kinds of messes in your house.

However, once weekly cleaning should be fine. The "kid's chores" add up, so you'll be plenty busy outside of that. Dishes mainly. When we are home with the kids it's so many dishes. Meals, snacks, cups of milk. Endless.

It really depends on the infant. A baby with colic might change your tune. Not all toddlers are active, into everything, whirling dervishes. Some sit quietly in their little chair, eating a bowl of Cheerios while their mommy mops the floor.

I had the active, climbing, whirling dervish variety. I learned to get them out into the fresh air - running, riding toys, playgrounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not going to want poopy laundry to be laying around, dirty bottles in the sink, baby food smashed in the carpet and the million other messes that a baby makes just sitting there waiting for the weekly cleaning help to arrive and tidy up.

If you stay home, you will be cleaning A LOT. Comes with the territory. If you would prefer to hire someone to do normal housecleaning (floors, bathrooms, etc) that's up to you. But don't think that you won't be cleaning because you will be.

OP here and I will do everything regarding the care and cleaning/laundry for the baby. I meant general household chores like cleaning bathrooms and washing floors.

Do nannies not clean their own toilets and wash their own floors? I get that they don't wash yours, but they are not exempt from these chores in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so ridiculous. I'm sorry, but it's not that hard to run a clean household as well as to take care of one baby.

I've never heard of a sahm who wants to do less than 50% of the chores with a husband who is at work all day.

Really? I know a lot of SAHMs who are like this. They seem to think that because their husband had a break from kids/household stuff all day (e.g. at work earning money) that the husbands need to handle all the housework every moment they aren't had their job. Because the SAHM is tired or something and "never gets a break". I don't get it, but this is common.

I agree. This is very common. I actually think it's a sign of depression. I don't think humans were meant for solo parenting a baby 24/7. We're social creatures and it can be very isolating and hard to be home alone. My grandparents' (and beyond) generation had all their sisters, cousins and close relatives at home with them all day. Everyone took turns watching the little kids and it left lots of time for card games and chatting with friends.

I also think that babies don't need one on one stimulation 24/7. When my baby is quietly playing with something on her own, I let her. No need for me to show her how to do it. Solo play + figuring stuff out on their own is beneficial. Babies also take lots of naps and that's an easy time to do laundry, cook and clean.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your poor husband.

If they can afford it, why all this "poor husband" stuff? His baby is being cared for and his house is being cleaned during the day, right?

[Anonymous]

I doubt the OP is going to refuse to any cleaning, cooking, or shopping chores. What I believe she is looking for, is to eliminate any EXPECTATION that she will do those things.

For example, no guarantee that dinner will be made.

During the first 3 years of a child's life is when the neuron pathways are built. "A child’s adult capacities, it seemed, rests heavily on neural foundations developed through early learning experiences."

Here's an article about it. Sure there are many.

https://www.brookings.edu/blog/education-plus-development/2014/05/20/kick-back-relax-and-help-your-children-develop-neural-pathways/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I want a million dollars but I don't want to work. See how ridiculous that sounds? Your plan won't work and you sound lazy. "I want to do all of the fun Mom things, but none of the hard work mom things!"

I don't think narration, reading, singing and engaging a baby all day is necessarily the "fun Mom things". I am not even sure I am going to like nursing. I am staying home for our child not to take care of our house.

I understand I could be very naive and dead wrong about how this is going to work out. Thanks for the responses.

I am a SAHM, and I think you are going to have difficulty narrating to your baby if you aren't doing anything. I narrate when I am cooking, putting dishes in the dishwasher, doing laundry, gardening, etc. I also prefer to just clean my own house vs being kicked out one morning a week by the cleaning service.

Also, read this book: The Well-Trained Mind. It's a homeschooling book, but I think you will like their philosophy on teaching young children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is so ridiculous. I'm sorry, but it's not that hard to run a clean household as well as to take care of one baby.

I've never heard of a sahm who wants to do less than 50% of the chores with a husband who is at work all day.

Really? I know a lot of SAHMs who are like this. They seem to think that because their husband had a break from kids/household stuff all day (e.g. at work earning money) that the husbands need to handle all the housework every moment they aren't had their job. Because the SAHM is tired or something and "never gets a break". I don't get it, but this is common.

I agree. This is very common. I actually think it's a sign of depression. I don't think humans were meant for solo parenting a baby 24/7. We're social creatures and it can be very isolating and hard to be home alone. My grandparents' (and beyond) generation had all their sisters, cousins and close relatives at home with them all day. Everyone took turns watching the little kids and it left lots of time for card games and chatting with friends.

I also think that babies don't need one on one stimulation 24/7. When my baby is quietly playing with something on her own, I let her. No need for me to show her how to do it. Solo play + figuring stuff out on their own is beneficial. Babies also take lots of naps and that's an easy time to do laundry, cook and clean.

I don't think that anyone is saying that they need to engage/talk with/entertain their baby 24/7. But even when the baby is playing with something you have to keep an eye on them. An active baby combined with a short attention span means that they can go from playing quietly with a puzzle to trying to climb the t.v. in a blink of the eye.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not going to want poopy laundry to be laying around, dirty bottles in the sink, baby food smashed in the carpet and the million other messes that a baby makes just sitting there waiting for the weekly cleaning help to arrive and tidy up.

If you stay home, you will be cleaning A LOT. Comes with the territory. If you would prefer to hire someone to do normal housecleaning (floors, bathrooms, etc) that's up to you. But don't think that you won't be cleaning because you will be.

OP here and I will do everything regarding the care and cleaning/laundry for the baby. I meant general household chores like cleaning bathrooms and washing floors.

Babies and toddlers will literally spill over into those areas too. Infant mess can be contained somewhat so you can ease into it, but once they're mobile, all household areas will be "cleaning/laundry for the baby". Peeing/pooping accidents in the bathroom, general spills all over the floor... Just saying!

[Anonymous]

OP, if you want to treat being a stay-at-home parent as being a full time job -- and just focus on that part of the job during your "working hours" then that is FINE. But you need to do what other 2 income, work out of the home parents do.

When your "day job" is done or on the weekends, you split up the household chores (grocery shopping, dinner prep, laundry etc.) You just aren't going to try to get these things done during your working day, so you will just continue to do them in the evenings and weekends as you did before leaving your job, correct?

If you are saying you also no longer want to do those chores evenings and weekends as you used to -- certainly you and your husband can agree to outsource whatever you want. Hire someone to do your laundry, hire someone to go shopping for you or hire a personal chef to make your meals --- whatever you want and have the money for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My close relative did this. Pretended like it was her job to only watch the kids. Husband would come home and she'd hand him the kids and say she was clocking out. She literally did nothing from 5pm until she went to sleep. She didn't cook, clean and only did her and the kids laundry. It might have been okay if the kids were really doing enriching activities, but no, they were just playing in the playroom all day. They're divorced now

Go away with your stupid story. Kids don't just "play in a playroom" all day. That is not how it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want a million dollars but I don't want to work. See how ridiculous that sounds? Your plan won't work and you sound lazy. "I want to do all of the fun Mom things, but none of the hard work mom things!"

Exactly. OP is ridiculous!

[Anonymous]

The way I see it, SAHM is your work from 7-6, M-F (or whenever your husband is gone). During that time, feel free to act like a nanny. From 6-7, and then on the weekends, you and your husband split tasks 50/50 or agree to outsource.

The flip side of this is your husband is a (profession) during work hours, but he doesn't get to come home and put his feet up while you make him a martini. When he is home and on weekends, he splits the housework with you, or you two agree to outsource.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My close relative did this. Pretended like it was her job to only watch the kids. Husband would come home and she'd hand him the kids and say she was clocking out. She literally did nothing from 5pm until she went to sleep. She didn't cook, clean and only did her and the kids laundry. It might have been okay if the kids were really doing enriching activities, but no, they were just playing in the playroom all day. They're divorced now

Go away with your stupid story. Kids don't just "play in a playroom" all day. That is not how it works.

huh? Yeah it was. I meant they didn't do playgroups or story time at the library. They were just home all day ever day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are not going to want poopy laundry to be laying around, dirty bottles in the sink, baby food smashed in the carpet and the million other messes that a baby makes just sitting there waiting for the weekly cleaning help to arrive and tidy up.

If you stay home, you will be cleaning A LOT. Comes with the territory. If you would prefer to hire someone to do normal housecleaning (floors, bathrooms, etc) that's up to you. But don't think that you won't be cleaning because you will be.

+1

There will be plenty of kid clean up/tidying to do, just like a nanny would do. But, yes, outsource the rest if you can. And if it doesn't work out then try something else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I doubt the OP is going to refuse to any cleaning, cooking, or shopping chores. What I believe she is looking for, is to eliminate any EXPECTATION that she will do those things.

For example, no guarantee that dinner will be made.

During the first 3 years of a child's life is when the neuron pathways are built. "A child’s adult capacities, it seemed, rests heavily on neural foundations developed through early learning experiences."

Here's an article about it. Sure there are many.

https://www.brookings.edu/blog/education-plus-development/2014/05/20/kick-back-relax-and-help-your-children-develop-neural-pathways/

That doesn't translate to a frantic need to be constantly entertaining the baby though. In fact the article you linked discussed the value of free play.

As for expectations, it sounds like she only wants to eliminate expectations on her end. It sounds like she's got plenty of expectations that her husband will get dinner and do chores when he gets home from work. Eliminating expectations is fine if that's a shared goal but it seems likely to lead to resentment if it's only one-way.