How do I talk about this with the kids?

[Anonymous]

I think the thing we're trying to tell you, OP, is that the harm in staying is greater than the harm in leaving. Kids don't need big houses or lots of money. Yes, divorce is hard, but many children have been through it and survived.

On the other hand, growing up knowing that daddy did this terrible thing and mommy just sat there and accepted it is a very damaging reality, in my mind. What does this teach your son? What does this teach your daughter? I think they deserve parents who model good, strong choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lives in La La Land. Why OP wants to protect her DH's reputation with his children is unbelievable. What is DH doing HIMSELF to make sure he looks good in his children's eyes??? Why is it OP's responsibility?

I don't think OP is going to get many responses on how other people have handled this situation because other people haven't handled this kind of situation, they don't exist, mainly because the wronged party leaves and the parents get divorced. I don't know why OP thinks she should stay with DH. It's ridiculous. Is your name Elizabeth Edwards (that poor, poor woman)?

I would be VERY concerned with the AP mom is planning. What about child support? Or other kind of financial support? Is OP's children protected? And OP is the last to know, even after her children? WTF?!!!

NP here but if the love child is four years old now presumably her husband is already paying support somehow or the OW is not interested in pursuing it. At four years old, the most expensive portion of the child support years is almost over (i.e. daycare).

Oh no no no, it's called college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing we're trying to tell you, OP, is that the harm in staying is greater than the harm in leaving. Kids don't need big houses or lots of money. Yes, divorce is hard, but many children have been through it and survived.

On the other hand, growing up knowing that daddy did this terrible thing and mommy just sat there and accepted it is a very damaging reality, in my mind. What does this teach your son? What does this teach your daughter? I think they deserve parents who model good, strong choices.

I'm pretty sure that ship sailed in this scenario about four years ago?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You keep saying he's a good dad - this is not the kind of thing a good dad does to his family and the (original) mother of his children.

I can't wrap my head around the fact that you're not leaving him. This is going to mess up your kids in all sorts of ways, especially since you're basically condoning what he did for some crazy reason.

I completely understand. This is an emotional response very similar to what I had in the beginning.

Think of how the alternative will mess the kids up. Smaller house, less money, the disruption of a move, less time with them, less control over their lives. Their relationship with the half-sister will be poisoned because "she's the reason daddy left us." Their relationship with their dad poisoned because "daddy left us because he wanted another kid" or similar. There are no perfect options here.

He did a very bad thing. I'm not condoning it. But I don't have to let it disrupt my life and the life of my children either. I'm committed to minimizing its harm for my children and that's why I wanted to ask for advice for people who have been there. It doesn't sound like this is a common, though.

Understatement of the year.....
Good luck though, OP, seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think the thing we're trying to tell you, OP, is that the harm in staying is greater than the harm in leaving. Kids don't need big houses or lots of money. Yes, divorce is hard, but many children have been through it and survived.

On the other hand, growing up knowing that daddy did this terrible thing and mommy just sat there and accepted it is a very damaging reality, in my mind. What does this teach your son? What does this teach your daughter? I think they deserve parents who model good, strong choices.

I'm pretty sure that ship sailed in this scenario about four years ago?

Lol well yeah, I guess at this point there's still hope that OP can be a strong adult in this situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lives in La La Land. Why OP wants to protect her DH's reputation with his children is unbelievable. What is DH doing HIMSELF to make sure he looks good in his children's eyes??? Why is it OP's responsibility?

I don't think OP is going to get many responses on how other people have handled this situation because other people haven't handled this kind of situation, they don't exist, mainly because the wronged party leaves and the parents get divorced. I don't know why OP thinks she should stay with DH. It's ridiculous. Is your name Elizabeth Edwards (that poor, poor woman)?

I would be VERY concerned with the AP mom is planning. What about child support? Or other kind of financial support? Is OP's children protected? And OP is the last to know, even after her children? WTF?!!!

NP here but if the love child is four years old now presumably her husband is already paying support somehow or the OW is not interested in pursuing it. At four years old, the most expensive portion of the child support years is almost over (i.e. daycare).

Oh no no no, it's called college.

Not required in the vast majority of states. His voluntary choice to pay for the child's college would, presumably, be a financial decision they make together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: He did a very bad thing. I'm not condoning it. But I don't have to let it disrupt my life and the life of my children either. I'm committed to minimizing its harm for my children and that's why I wanted to ask for advice for people who have been there. It doesn't sound like this is a common, though.

Actually I have several friends and a cousin with the half-sibling that was born in between their full siblings. The parents stayed married but by the time the kids were college age they often ended up married in name only - either living in separate states or living separate lives. My friends have complicated relationships with their dad and not a great relationship with half siblings. I don't know how much of is that a leopard doesn't change it's spots (uncle had 3 or 4 kids with woman other than my aunt while married to my aunt). I'm pretty sure no one had family therapy to work thru these issues and there was a lot of anger, bewilderment, sense of abandonment when dad was off with other woman/family, and confusion because they still love their dad. It could be a coincidence but my friends and cousin had many challenges in their romantic relationships.

So no magic answer but would echo what everyone said and get a 3rd party involved - a family therapist to help. I think the kids will need a safe place to work out their emotions without feeling like they are being disrespectful or hurtful to their parents and are allowed to express what they feel. The therapist can also help you with how to answer the questions. My thought is either you have to roll like this is sister wives (what do they tell their kids?) and you have contact with the other woman if you have accepted that you share your husband or it is a people make mistakes and he was really remorseful and asked forgiveness from you and strove to be a better husband and father and lived by this all happened. I think that conversation has to start with him and you don't show bitterness etc. and back up the statements of forgiveness in actions and words. It had to come from him to show that he realizes what he did was wrong and show it was strength rather than weakness that allowed you to give him a second chance. Part of the lesson is if you make a mistake you should be able to take responsibility and learn from the mistake - someone saying that for you isn't the same thing nor does it have the same impact. Having a gray area where it just is and either behavior hasn't changed or their was never this component of owning up, forgiveness and true change - makes it tough for a kid.

[Anonymous]

Check out the surviving infidelity boards. They have ones for people where a child is involved in the scenario. You may find more experience there.

[Anonymous]

Op, honestly I think you're fixating on how to tell your children because you are not allowing yourself to think honestly about what has happened. You found out very recently and seem to imply you've processed and moved on. I have my doubts that that is the case. I think we often try to distract ourselves by worrying about our kids so as not too deeply prone our own feelings about something. Your husband didn't just cheat. He involved your son in this betrayal. I think there is anger and a whole wealth of emotions you may not have really acknowledged, given that you won't even answer the questions about that. Secure your own oxygen mask before aiding your children. Take care of yourself before making any commitment to this sham of a marriage or figuring out things like how to tell the kids. You're not ready to go there yet.

[Anonymous]

Probe*

[Anonymous]

It's not that the situation is uncommon, it's the way you are choosing to handle it that is uncommon. Most people can't relate to your reaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you, but I admire you for trying to keep your family together and not blaming any of the children involved. I don't know how much my perspective will help, but here goes.

My dad did this, with the difference being that he and my mom were long divorced when it happened. I know that's a big difference. He had two daughters with a woman he was dating. He never told me, and he refused to play the role of the father with them. I found out when I was about 30. To me, the worst part of the entire situation is that he abandoned those girls and they grew up knowing who their father was and that he didn't want them. Second worst part was that I have two half-sisters who I don't know and who probably resent the everloving hell out of me. (I'm otherwise an only child.) So, from the perspective of the child and NOT the perspective of the betrayed wife, I think it is a good thing to get the kids together and to have the relationship recognized. The cheating is at the adult level. The sibling relationship is at the child level.

When I was around 12 or 13, I asked my dad about my half-sisters, not knowing they were my half-sisters, wanting to know who their father was. He told me to ask their mother, which I never did.[b] Point being that it took me several years of knowing them to ask the question, and I was pretty old by then[b]. I would prepare a straightforward answer in case you get asked ("Larla doesn't live with us because she lives with her mom, but it's nice that we still get to see each other") and otherwise consider waiting a few years. Maybe my DD is naive but she is 5, only a year younger than your son, and she still has a very fluid understanding of family. We have six grandparents (we refer to stepparents as grandma and grandpa) and a series of close friends who we call aunties and uncles. She wants everyone to live with us all the time, including our adult friends, our nanny, grandma, a neighbor, etc. Based on my experience with her, I think it would be too young to try to explain anything more than, she's your sister too but lives in a different house. We're starting to have a few divorced friends with kids, so it's not that wild a scenario.

I won't speak to whether the messages condones the cheating as some of the other posters have, but again from my perspective in the child generation, the biggest moral failing in a situation like this is abandoning or otherwise punishing innocent children. Cheating on an adult partner is a moral failing as well, but it wouldn't necessarily spell the end of everyone's marriage, including my own if it happened to me.

Therapy seems like a good idea, as PPs have suggested. I never did therapy because I'm someone who bottles up emotions and came to my own conclusion that I was Just. Not. Dealing. With. Dad's. Shit., but therapy may be healthier.

Final thought - discuss estate planning with your DH and then with a lawyer. This can throw a big monkey wrench into things. It sounds like your DH is recognizing the other daughter, but my dad is not and that may leave his will open to challenge after he passes.

The two bolded sentences seen to contradict each other. You say that you have two half sisters that you don't know then you say that, at age 12 or 13, you had akready known them (&, apparently, their mother) for several years already.

[Anonymous]

You find the best divorce lawyer and you get rid of him. You said that you have a very good job so you know you will be all right financially. You deserve a lot better than this man who is not worthy of you.

I wish you and your children the very best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You find the best divorce lawyer and you get rid of him. You said that you have a very good job so you know you will be all right financially. You deserve a lot better than this man who is not worthy of you.

I wish you and your children the very best.

Oops! Get rid of husband not divorce lawyer!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, honestly I think you're fixating on how to tell your children because you are not allowing yourself to think honestly about what has happened. You found out very recently and seem to imply you've processed and moved on. I have my doubts that that is the case. I think we often try to distract ourselves by worrying about our kids so as not too deeply prone our own feelings about something. Your husband didn't just cheat. He involved your son in this betrayal. I think there is anger and a whole wealth of emotions you may not have really acknowledged, given that you won't even answer the questions about that. Secure your own oxygen mask before aiding your children. Take care of yourself before making any commitment to this sham of a marriage or figuring out things like how to tell the kids. You're not ready to go there yet.

Please listen to this person. I haven't been in your exact position, but I've been in a similar spot and at a few months out was absolutely still panicking and trying to figure out how to make sure my life didn't change. It sounds like that's the spot you are in right now. You don't want your life to change, and you dread what all of this means so you are just trying to keep going. Here's the thing - your life already changed. You're just refusing to deal with it.

Also, other folks have asked a really good question that you seem to be dodging. So I'll ask again. Did your husband make your son complicit in the deception by letting him know before you?