My parents divorce is still impacting me as an adult

[Anonymous]

But it's so much easier to blame our parents for our problems. It's scary to take responsibility for your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I realize my situation is different in important ways, including that my parents divorced when I was young and my mom is fine, but my dad did something similar. He had two children with a woman on the "terms" that they were hers and he would not be responsible for them and not raise them as his. I found out when I was 30. These two children have grown up their whole life knowing that, basically, their dad didn't want anything to do with them. Obviously this affects how I feel about my dad.

But, regardless of how I feel, he is still my dad and my children's grandfather. He is the only one I have. I could get angry about this and cut him off or whatever else, but then I would be mad and vindictive and wrapped up in his shit too. This is not my circus and not my monkeys. You can't control the bad things that other people do, or the weakness that other people display. If you want to have a relationship going forward with either parent, I would advise you to find a way to let this go, through therapy or otherwise.

Why on earth would you want to have a relationship with someone so morally bankrupt, or permit your kids to have a relationship with such a person? If my dad had done something like that, he would have no contact with me or my kids. Your father sounds evil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married to the other woman?

Op here- He is now married to her. They had kids while he was still married to my mom, didn't find out about them till after the divorce. They are living quite comfortably.

That's disgusting. OP you really need to write him off and not give it another thought. I don't know how old your mom is, but if she's healthy she can work a p/t job or something. Maybe talk to your mom or explain she's allowing him to victimize her all over again by not taking control of her life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize my situation is different in important ways, including that my parents divorced when I was young and my mom is fine, but my dad did something similar. He had two children with a woman on the "terms" that they were hers and he would not be responsible for them and not raise them as his. I found out when I was 30. These two children have grown up their whole life knowing that, basically, their dad didn't want anything to do with them. Obviously this affects how I feel about my dad.

But, regardless of how I feel, he is still my dad and my children's grandfather. He is the only one I have. I could get angry about this and cut him off or whatever else, but then I would be mad and vindictive and wrapped up in his shit too. This is not my circus and not my monkeys. You can't control the bad things that other people do, or the weakness that other people display. If you want to have a relationship going forward with either parent, I would advise you to find a way to let this go, through therapy or otherwise.

Why on earth would you want to have a relationship with someone so morally bankrupt, or permit your kids to have a relationship with such a person? If my dad had done something like that, he would have no contact with me or my kids. Your father sounds evil.

Apparently it's still her circus. She needs to write him off, go forward. Who knows if those children are your dad's or not considering the woman he's with. Either way, it would be a horrible reminder.

I would help my mom period. Hopefully Karma will get him and the OW.

That's what I would do OP, and stop wasting oxygen on horrid people. It's unnecessary for you and your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy?

Op here- no I haven't, I'll agree that I'm long overdue for some therapy. I never thought I needed any before but I'm realizing that it was just what I told myself because I always needed to give everyone the impression I was strong and fine.

Different poster here. It would be a good idea to work with a therapist for awhile, OP. You deserve to get some help and to not always being the one who does the helping. You didn't get the parents you deserved and you need to grieve over that before you can move on. Once you work through this stuff, it will be easier to let go of the past. And you may care for your parents again. But first you need to take care of yourself. Good luck and best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I realize my situation is different in important ways, including that my parents divorced when I was young and my mom is fine, but my dad did something similar. He had two children with a woman on the "terms" that they were hers and he would not be responsible for them and not raise them as his. I found out when I was 30. These two children have grown up their whole life knowing that, basically, their dad didn't want anything to do with them. Obviously this affects how I feel about my dad.

But, regardless of how I feel, he is still my dad and my children's grandfather. He is the only one I have. I could get angry about this and cut him off or whatever else, but then I would be mad and vindictive and wrapped up in his shit too. This is not my circus and not my monkeys. You can't control the bad things that other people do, or the weakness that other people display. If you want to have a relationship going forward with either parent, I would advise you to find a way to let this go, through therapy or otherwise.

Why on earth would you want to have a relationship with someone so morally bankrupt, or permit your kids to have a relationship with such a person? If my dad had done something like that, he would have no contact with me or my kids. Your father sounds evil.

I appreciate your view and some of my friends share it. But you sound angry even just posting, and think of the emotional energy required to cut off your own father and explain to your kids why you're doing so. It's not something I'm willing to take on. It's also not my job or my role to judge him. I obviously think less of him, but he is more than that one decision (as are we all). In any event, my two cents if it helps the OP at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married to the other woman?

Op here- He is now married to her. They had kids while he was still married to my mom, didn't find out about them till after the divorce. They are living quite comfortably.

So, this lady was okay with having kids with a married man?

Much more importantly, HE was ok cheating on his wife?????

[Anonymous]

Let me get this straight, magically the mom's are all f'd up and need help and crazy but the dad is ok?

Sounds like the mom's were terrible to begin with so the Dad's did the right thing and dumped them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married to the other woman?

Op here- He is now married to her. They had kids while he was still married to my mom, didn't find out about them till after the divorce. They are living quite comfortably.

So, this lady was okay with having kids with a married man?

Much more importantly, HE was ok cheating on his wife?????

+1. Sadly, OP still longs to have a relationship with her father after he left happily his first family behind.

[Anonymous]

This is why it's dumb when people are always acting like divorce is the solution to everyone's problems.

[Anonymous]

I think the impact on OP is financial. That is what he is resenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the impact on OP is financial. That is what he is resenting.

In either way, it is time to move on. OP is an adult. You cannot continue to blame any other people, including your parents for anything in your life. It is time to take a charge of your own life and live it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents split because of adultery. I don't let it define my life.

Mine too. It isn't the divorce but all the games and manipulation over the next decades when they both were really selfish and really demanding. I needed to learn to set boundaries, but it was hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:But it's so much easier to blame our parents for our problems. It's scary to take responsibility for your own life.

+1
It's the fashionable thing nowadays. As if your parents didn't have their own crap and their own parents' failures to deal with.

Get over yourself... seek therapy if you have to, but quit blaming others for your disappointments in life..

[Anonymous]

OP..When I first read your thread, I thought I was going to be the PP. My parents are divorced and are both incredibly selfish. Your mom sounds like mine. She couldn't stop being the victim.

In retrospect, perhaps the best thing my parents did for me was that they both did incredibly terrible things which means I feel no responsibility to my mom and only a drop for my dad. I haven't spoken to my mom since I was 13 after an incident and haven't had a good relationship with my dad since I was 21 after another incident. Most people if they hear about it don't understand and "blame" me.

I was fortunate to have a grandmother that was a really wonderful person. She really was a strong woman and really was my parent.

My strategy for dealing with everything is to go on with life and really trying to forget about my past. I think therapy would be a terrible thing for me because I've kept it together by going through life focusing on putting on foot in front of the other no matter how hard things got. My parent's divorce taught me resilience.

I think unfortunately you learned from your mom a little about being the "victim". I think you need to establish more boundaries and realize you aren't responsible for your mom.