My parents divorce is still impacting me as an adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you, OP. I affects me too and I'm in my mid-40s. Your comment about "I lost the most" rings true to me. I look back at the potential I had, but was crippled by the fear of abandonment and emotional trauma. I sabotaged relationships and put myself in stupid situations - all due to a damaged childhood and non-existant father. What a shame.

To anyone on the outside, I have it all now, but I'm still afraid it's all going to fall apart. #ScarredForLife

Lots of us are scarred for life by how our parents treated us, whether they stayed together or not. Mine stayed together, and I'm severely damaged. shrug. I focus on the positive, becoming stronger, and trying to be a better parent.

[Anonymous]

I thought that kids are resilient and they are ok when parents divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake.

I hope all the annoying divorced women who insist their kids are "happy and thriving now!" read this. Because the chances are excellent that their own kids are just putting a brave face on it. Not that these women care, since their divorce was always all about them and their needs anyway.

Exactly. Or the kids have no clue what is coming. i used to say all those same things about divorce being for the best, but really it was because of social pressure and my own ignorance about how hard their old age would be. Now they are both still just as miserable as they were married, but broke, and leaning on me logistically the way married people lean on each other. They're not even 80 so it could go on for a long time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought that kids are resilient and they are ok when parents divorce?

That's what divorced people say to make themselves feel less guilty. If you aren't happy with a broken family, shame on you for being so unresilient!

[Anonymous]

OP, if they were married ten years, she still gets some of his social security.

Don't hate your mom, she's the victim here. Your father is a selfish douche who if fully aware that he screwed you over too.

[Anonymous]

My parents split because of adultery. I don't let it define my life.

[Anonymous]

Can you help your mom figure out how to live on her own? Is the problem financial only? I would exhaust every avenue I could before allowing my mom to live with me. LL pp mentioned, she can draw on his ss. Is she of retirement age? If not, she needs a job that gets her out of the house. Let her know living with you is not an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake.

I hope all the annoying divorced women who insist their kids are "happy and thriving now!" read this. Because the chances are excellent that their own kids are just putting a brave face on it. Not that these women care, since their divorce was always all about them and their needs anyway.

I guess men don't get divorced? Like have affairs, have kids with them, and then get divorced? Sound familiar at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake.

I hope all the annoying divorced women who insist their kids are "happy and thriving now!" read this. Because the chances are excellent that their own kids are just putting a brave face on it. Not that these women care, since their divorce was always all about them and their needs anyway.

I guess men don't get divorced? Like have affairs, have kids with them, and then get divorced? Sound familiar at all?

+1. I wanted to stay together until DS was out of high school, just one more year. XDX couldn't wait even that long to start his midlife crisis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm mad at my Dad for leaving my mom and having a secret family that we didn't know about for several years. I'm mad at my mom for hiring the worst divorce attorney and getting hardly anything out of the divorce and looking to me to support her for the rest of her life. I hate my dad for thinking he could just wash his hands of my mom without thinking about any impact this would have on me. My childhood was partially robbed because of all their divorce bull but I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake. My mom and I used to be very close but I find myself resenting her more and more as I get older. Why couldn't she have tried to get her act together and support herself? I have close to no relationship with my Dad since he has never acted like he did anything wrong.

I just needed to vent. I feel like I lost the most out of all this and its still continuing 20 years later.

I have a close friend who had similar experiences and she and her siblings told their Dad that in order to have a relationship with them (and grandchildren) they needed to make restitution with their mother. All siblings did it together and in the end he did. It helped them all heal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm mad at my Dad for leaving my mom and having a secret family that we didn't know about for several years. I'm mad at my mom for hiring the worst divorce attorney and getting hardly anything out of the divorce and looking to me to support her for the rest of her life. I hate my dad for thinking he could just wash his hands of my mom without thinking about any impact this would have on me. My childhood was partially robbed because of all their divorce bull but I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake. My mom and I used to be very close but I find myself resenting her more and more as I get older. Why couldn't she have tried to get her act together and support herself? I have close to no relationship with my Dad since he has never acted like he did anything wrong.

I just needed to vent. I feel like I lost the most out of all this and its still continuing 20 years later.

I have a close friend who had similar experiences and she and her siblings told their Dad that in order to have a relationship with them (and grandchildren) they needed to make restitution with their mother. All siblings did it together and in the end he did. It helped them all heal.

I meant he (the father) had to make restitution. He had made quite a bit of money after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake.

I hope all the annoying divorced women who insist their kids are "happy and thriving now!" read this. Because the chances are excellent that their own kids are just putting a brave face on it. Not that these women care, since their divorce was always all about them and their needs anyway.

I guess men don't get divorced? Like have affairs, have kids with them, and then get divorced? Sound familiar at all?

+1. I wanted to stay together until DS was out of high school, just one more year. XDX couldn't wait even that long to start his midlife crisis.

1) the younger the better.
2) if there is adultery and the kids find out about it, they never recover. "Why didn't dad or mom love me enough to stay in our family, to be faithful to my other parent?"
3) high conflict divorces are terrible for kids. But so are high conflict marriages and other high conflict family relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The world would be a better place if everyone realized the path to maturity involves taking responsibility for your own life and your emotional reactions to things. Resilience can be cultivated. I say this as someone who did experience trauma and still have many challenges to overcome in life. Currently I probably am off the scale in the life stress scale. The only thing I am not dealing with is metastatic cancer or imminent death. But every other major life stressor I am currently dealing with. And my parents were divorced and I see their flaws now. You know what? I still find ways to ensure my child experiences joy and I have moments of joy and gratitude that I savor. I take photos of these fleeting happy moments and keep a journal. We all can live with the horror and the joys together. It's just what life is.

You and I would be friends. I hope we already are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake.

I hope all the annoying divorced women who insist their kids are "happy and thriving now!" read this. Because the chances are excellent that their own kids are just putting a brave face on it. Not that these women care, since their divorce was always all about them and their needs anyway.

I guess men don't get divorced? Like have affairs, have kids with them, and then get divorced? Sound familiar at all?

+1. I wanted to stay together until DS was out of high school, just one more year. XDX couldn't wait even that long to start his midlife crisis.

1) the younger the better.
2) if there is adultery and the kids find out about it, they never recover. "Why didn't dad or mom love me enough to stay in our family, to be faithful to my other parent?"
3) high conflict divorces are terrible for kids. But so are high conflict marriages and other high conflict family relationships.

Not universally true.

[Anonymous]

I realize my situation is different in important ways, including that my parents divorced when I was young and my mom is fine, but my dad did something similar. He had two children with a woman on the "terms" that they were hers and he would not be responsible for them and not raise them as his. I found out when I was 30. These two children have grown up their whole life knowing that, basically, their dad didn't want anything to do with them. Obviously this affects how I feel about my dad.

But, regardless of how I feel, he is still my dad and my children's grandfather. He is the only one I have. I could get angry about this and cut him off or whatever else, but then I would be mad and vindictive and wrapped up in his shit too. This is not my circus and not my monkeys. You can't control the bad things that other people do, or the weakness that other people display. If you want to have a relationship going forward with either parent, I would advise you to find a way to let this go, through therapy or otherwise.