My parents divorce is still impacting me as an adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I am in a similar situation. Parents divorced at 13, I was forced to grow up fast as my mother was depressed and basically absent and my dad was clueless on how to raise kids. Dad remarried immediately (I still think he & second wife planned it all out) and moved on to his new "perfect" family, leaving me to take care of my mother. I didn't realize how bad it was until a few years ago. My mom was on all kinds of anti-depressants and just kind of empty during my teenage years. I really raised myself when I think about it.

This is awful, but now that I'm older and having to take care of my mother, I realize I would have divorced her too if I were my dad. Luckily he got to move on, I get to take care of her now. She mentioned moving in with me in a couple of years and I had a panic attack. She hasn't dated, lives in the same sleepy town, has let her divorce define her, and it is just sad to watch. I try encouraging her and I get scolded for being "critical".

Therapy helps. So does introducing your stepmother as "my father's second wife"

Thanks for sharing PP, it helps to know there are other people out there who get it. My mom will inevitably need to move in with me soon, I think that's part of this new wave of stress.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married to the other woman?

Op here- He is now married to her. They had kids while he was still married to my mom, didn't find out about them till after the divorce. They are living quite comfortably.

So, this lady was okay with having kids with a married man?

Yup, I doubt she's ever lost any sleep over it.

[Anonymous]

When parents get divorced they should never allow their children to bear any difficulty that wouldn't have happened if the parents were still together. That means your dad is responsible for your moms living situation not you. His decision unfairly dumped his ex wife on his son. That's cowardly.

[Anonymous]

I've never recovered that my parents didn't get divorced. I begged them and I begged my mom to leave, but she didn't until we were 18. Their fighting ruined my childhood.
They are both better off living separately and are doing quite well.

[Anonymous]

Get yourself to therapy stat! DH is in your same boat and it's helped him immensely. It's not life is peachy for him now, but he can figure out what bad behaviors of his are in response to his selfish parents and it helps him break patterns that would be bad for our relationship. I'll admit it hasn't exactly improved his relationship with his parents, but it's done wonders for us as a family and also help him establish boundaries with his parents. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get yourself to therapy stat! DH is in your same boat and it's helped him immensely. It's not life is peachy for him now, but he can figure out what bad behaviors of his are in response to his selfish parents and it helps him break patterns that would be bad for our relationship. I'll admit it hasn't exactly improved his relationship with his parents, but it's done wonders for us as a family and also help him establish boundaries with his parents. Good luck OP.

I could have written most of this, and my DH most of the first post. Sad how common this situation must be. Parents who put their kids through crap like this because of their own selfishness make me furious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake.

I hope all the annoying divorced women who insist their kids are "happy and thriving now!" read this. Because the chances are excellent that their own kids are just putting a brave face on it. Not that these women care, since their divorce was always all about them and their needs anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When parents get divorced they should never allow their children to bear any difficulty that wouldn't have happened if the parents were still together.

That is by definition impossible since "mommy and daddy being divorced" is a difficulty all by itself. And then there's the difficulty of living in two different homes which is also unavoidable. Step-parents and parents having new relationships, also unavoidable.

Don't kid yourself about kids avoiding difficulty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married to the other woman?

Op here- He is now married to her. They had kids while he was still married to my mom, didn't find out about them till after the divorce. They are living quite comfortably.

So, this lady was okay with having kids with a married man?

LOL her and millions of other women throughout history are just fine with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When parents get divorced they should never allow their children to bear any difficulty that wouldn't have happened if the parents were still together.

That is by definition impossible since "mommy and daddy being divorced" is a difficulty all by itself. And then there's the difficulty of living in two different homes which is also unavoidable. Step-parents and parents having new relationships, also unavoidable.

Don't kid yourself about kids avoiding difficulty.

What I mean is they don't need to visit both parents separately. Parents need to come to the children on terms that are easy for the children. Parents need to have their elderly care lined up and not ever to require the children to provide care in separate locales . They need to be the financial safety net for their exes and never let that fall on the children . Allow the children to deal with their own lives without divorce drama draining their energy or resources.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake.

I hope all the annoying divorced women who insist their kids are "happy and thriving now!" read this. Because the chances are excellent that their own kids are just putting a brave face on it. Not that these women care, since their divorce was always all about them and their needs anyway.

Do you think I should have stayed with the man who broke my ribs, dislocated my shoulder, and held a knife to my throat? Who held a pillow over my face? Who threatened to kill me more times than I can count? My kids would have been better off? My divorce was definitely all about me and my desire to remain alive.

I rarely say this - But you are exactly the kind of person who should never, ever, ever be allowed to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might have chosen a divorce attorney from a friend's referral or one she could afford.

Yes, a lot of people assume that if you spend all of the $$ on a top attorney that there won't be anything left.
My friend stopped fighting her Ex because she wanted to save the money to pass down to her kids instead.

OP it sounds like you need to be out and about more experiencing life. It would put some of this in perspective.
You are wallowing and its not doing you any good.

[Anonymous]

I hear you, OP. I affects me too and I'm in my mid-40s. Your comment about "I lost the most" rings true to me. I look back at the potential I had, but was crippled by the fear of abandonment and emotional trauma. I sabotaged relationships and put myself in stupid situations - all due to a damaged childhood and non-existant father. What a shame.

To anyone on the outside, I have it all now, but I'm still afraid it's all going to fall apart. #ScarredForLife

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married to the other woman?

Op here- He is now married to her. They had kids while he was still married to my mom, didn't find out about them till after the divorce. They are living quite comfortably.

So, this lady was okay with having kids with a married man?

LOL her and millions of other women throughout history are just fine with it.

It's pretty rare. I wouldn't be ok with it.

[Anonymous]

The world would be a better place if everyone realized the path to maturity involves taking responsibility for your own life and your emotional reactions to things. Resilience can be cultivated. I say this as someone who did experience trauma and still have many challenges to overcome in life. Currently I probably am off the scale in the life stress scale. The only thing I am not dealing with is metastatic cancer or imminent death. But every other major life stressor I am currently dealing with. And my parents were divorced and I see their flaws now. You know what? I still find ways to ensure my child experiences joy and I have moments of joy and gratitude that I savor. I take photos of these fleeting happy moments and keep a journal. We all can live with the horror and the joys together. It's just what life is.