My parents divorce is still impacting me as an adult

[Anonymous]

I'm mad at my Dad for leaving my mom and having a secret family that we didn't know about for several years. I'm mad at my mom for hiring the worst divorce attorney and getting hardly anything out of the divorce and looking to me to support her for the rest of her life. I hate my dad for thinking he could just wash his hands of my mom without thinking about any impact this would have on me. My childhood was partially robbed because of all their divorce bull but I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake. My mom and I used to be very close but I find myself resenting her more and more as I get older. Why couldn't she have tried to get her act together and support herself? I have close to no relationship with my Dad since he has never acted like he did anything wrong.

I just needed to vent. I feel like I lost the most out of all this and its still continuing 20 years later.

[Anonymous]

Have you been to therapy?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, OP. I think you need to write a letter to your father to express this resentment. It will make you feel better. If he is like many others in his situation, he isn't cruel on purpose, but clueless, and needs to know how he impacted your life.

As for your mother, if you lived with her after the divorce and she wasn't neglectful or abusive, I don't think she owes you anything. None of us are perfect, and fighting your father for more money may have been beyond the reach of her abilities.

[Anonymous]

Is he married to the other woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, OP. I think you need to write a letter to your father to express this resentment. It will make you feel better. If he is like many others in his situation, he isn't cruel on purpose, but clueless, and needs to know how he impacted your life.

As for your mother, if you lived with her after the divorce and she wasn't neglectful or abusive, I don't think she owes you anything. None of us are perfect, and fighting your father for more money may have been beyond the reach of her abilities.

I think this is terrible advice - the letter to dad. Get a therapist, OP. Work with her on what you need to make peace and not be a doormat. Work with her on whether talking to your dad or not talking to your dad is healthier for you.

Then work on how to handle your mom and her aging.

I'm not over my parent's divorce, either.

[Anonymous]

Why are you framing it in terms of their divorce and not the fathers complete betrayal? Moral clarity helps in life.

[Anonymous]

Time to tell them both off!!!!! You'll unburden your load to where it should be, on them not you. Give them a big what-for, stop carrying their pain for them. Stand up for you.

[Anonymous]

She might have chosen a divorce attorney from a friend's referral or one she could afford.

[Anonymous]

The divorce of my son in law's family has all but ruined the marriage between my daughter and him. Yep, bitterness and manipulation took prisoners...and it will last for generations. Toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you been to therapy?

Op here- no I haven't, I'll agree that I'm long overdue for some therapy. I never thought I needed any before but I'm realizing that it was just what I told myself because I always needed to give everyone the impression I was strong and fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he married to the other woman?

Op here- He is now married to her. They had kids while he was still married to my mom, didn't find out about them till after the divorce. They are living quite comfortably.

[Anonymous]

OP- I am in a similar situation. Parents divorced at 13, I was forced to grow up fast as my mother was depressed and basically absent and my dad was clueless on how to raise kids. Dad remarried immediately (I still think he & second wife planned it all out) and moved on to his new "perfect" family, leaving me to take care of my mother. I didn't realize how bad it was until a few years ago. My mom was on all kinds of anti-depressants and just kind of empty during my teenage years. I really raised myself when I think about it.

This is awful, but now that I'm older and having to take care of my mother, I realize I would have divorced her too if I were my dad. Luckily he got to move on, I get to take care of her now. She mentioned moving in with me in a couple of years and I had a panic attack. She hasn't dated, lives in the same sleepy town, has let her divorce define her, and it is just sad to watch. I try encouraging her and I get scolded for being "critical".

Therapy helps. So does introducing your stepmother as "my father's second wife"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he married to the other woman?

Op here- He is now married to her. They had kids while he was still married to my mom, didn't find out about them till after the divorce. They are living quite comfortably.

So, this lady was okay with having kids with a married man?

[Anonymous]

I know an older woman who went through a nasty divorce when her daughter was pretty young (7-8?). Like your mom she got very little and has had a hard time with not having money as she got older. The daughter went to the dad and asked her to buy the mom a condo as a favor to her (the daughter) and he did. The mom lives in it for the price of utilities and some day the granddaughter might live in it, who knows. It was basically an early inheritance I think and made such a difference in the quality of life for my friend. Could you do something like that on behalf of your mom? Maybe not since you don't have much relationship with your dad but just thought I'd throw it out there. I don't think it was unusual for wind women to get screwed in a divorce a generation ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm mad at my Dad for leaving my mom and having a secret family that we didn't know about for several years. I'm mad at my mom for hiring the worst divorce attorney and getting hardly anything out of the divorce and looking to me to support her for the rest of her life. I hate my dad for thinking he could just wash his hands of my mom without thinking about any impact this would have on me. My childhood was partially robbed because of all their divorce bull but I've always had to put on a brave face and act like I have it together for my mom's sake. My mom and I used to be very close but I find myself resenting her more and more as I get older. Why couldn't she have tried to get her act together and support herself? I have close to no relationship with my Dad since he has never acted like he did anything wrong.

I just needed to vent. I feel like I lost the most out of all this and its still continuing 20 years later.

Thank you for your honesty. Most children never recover from their parents' divorce. We just do the best we can.