Handling DH's criticism

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide to stay together "for the kids," remember that he will eventually begin to treat them this way as well.

Growing up that way turns that constant criticism into your mental sound track and your kids will internalize and criticize themselves even in his absence.

This. He needs to think about what he's going to the kids. Someone probably made him this way too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not answer stupid questions and walk out of the room when he asks again. Tell him once that you are NOT going to entertain his nonsense and that is it. It is very hard to argue or harass someone who won't play back.

Finally, a reasonable answer. OP, all these posters telling you to "talk to your husband sternly and tell him he cannot do that" are just..misguided. You can't tell someone what to do, and you certainly cannot make "telling someone what to do and expecting them to do it" key for resolving conflicts. That's giving your power away to someone else.

The only person you can control is you. You are the answer. Not him. He is criticizing you because he sees that you are trying to achieve a criticism-free environment. The question to ask is: why do you care? Why do you care that he's unhappy with your non-cup-washing ways? Why do you care that he doesn't criticize you? So, stop caring. And make him see that. Make him understand no one cares that he expects the cups to be washed. Example:

Why didn't you wash that cup?

Didn't feel like it. (Direct look in his eyes)

(Repeating) Why didn't you wash that cup?

Just to piss you off. (Direct look in his eyes)

Do that enough and it will dawn on him that criticizing you feels bad and you aren't responding to it in any way. Like a dog. What you do is make it unpleasant FOR HIM to criticize you. Pretty soon he will make the connection "um, she doesn't care that I am dissatisfied with her ways of doing things, and she isn't going to change things to satisfy me. She is not up running to do things just to make me NOT criticize her. Plus, when I tell her what to do, she makes me feel stupid. Uh-oh. I don't want to be made feel stupid. "

why would you respond in a hostile, antagonistic way to someone like OP's husband, unless you think he's playing games with her? Why wouldn't you try to understand the root of the problem? My guess would be that you're not very interested in sex nor do you love a person to whom you would repeatedly respond, "just to piss you off."

it's not hostility. It's refusal to engage in the search for an answer that would satisfy her husband. You know perfectly well there is nothing she could say that would make him go "OHHH! THAT"s why you didn't wash the cup. I totally understand now." Root of the problem? She doesn't have a problem. Her husband does. Her problem is that his criticism gets to her. Stop that and it becomes the wind rattling dust.

I am saying no one can criticize you if they see you are not interested in what they think. Why didn't you wash the cup? Just didn't. End of discussion. You confuse love and sex with absence of boundaries. He needs to see that criticizing and asking questions a hundred times in a row is a road to nowhere.

[Anonymous]

And I AM interested in sex but bending over backwards is not my idea of foreplay, nor am I turned on by criticism. It's her HUSBAND who needs to get the connection "criticism = no sex", not she.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide to stay together "for the kids," remember that he will eventually begin to treat them this way as well.

Growing up that way turns that constant criticism into your mental sound track and your kids will internalize and criticize themselves even in his absence.

+1

And they will believe this is an appropriate way to interact with everyone in their lives, from their spouses to their coworkers to their teachers. Imagine how their relationships will play out.

There is nothing that can be done about this by divorce. If she divorces him, he is still there father, and presumably he'll have half custody and do this to them on his own time. So, that parts simply a done deal.

Right now they live with him 100% of the time. While I think there are a lot of steps between realizing there is a serious and fundamental problem with your partner and divorce, if DH ultimately refuses to change this behavior then it would be better for the kids to live 50% of the time with a parent who offers unconditional love and genuine appreciation for who they are than 100% of the time with a dad who criticizes everything they do and a mom who makes excuses.

But then they are ALONE with the critical parent 50% of the time. Could not disagree with you more.

If he was abusive, you might have a point. If this is their reality, they will grow up thinking this is normal and acceptable. If they have 50% breathing room they will get to see what a peaceful, healthy household looks like.

[Anonymous]

Just let him know that you have already answered his question twice & that if he asks again, he needs to put a quarter in a jar for every time he asks again.

Or you could just give him the silent treatment, then let him know why.....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's just a guy that needs to understand a process before he can move on. He's not being an ass on purpose, he really does want to know what happened so he can move on. It's just the way his brain works, don't take it personal.

I agree with this, that it's just the way the guy's brain seems to work. But where does that leave OP? It may be understandable but it has to stop. Love the answer about max 7X per day, and past that leave the house.

[Anonymous]

I would just calmly say I'm sorry you didn't marry a perfect person and I'm 50% sure our kids aren't perfect either.

Would you rather find that perfect mate or would you rather keep me and the kids knowing we're imperfect ?

You choose. But if you choose us, know this, we won't live with anxiety. I want love, peace, serenity in my house.

Don't say another word. Let him take that in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH often makes critical comments- for example, he'll keep asking me for days why I forgot a simple task like washing a cup out, or if we have guests over, once they leave he'll immediately point out the things I did wrong. He never says things in a harsh tone, and it's not overtly critical, but it wears me down.

I've asked him to stop and he won't. We've tried counseling and it helped some, but it's still an almost daily occurance. I'm certain he's not going to change and I won't separate/divorce because we have kids. And it's not that I'm totally absent minded and forget to do everything; he just expects absolute perfection, which I can't do. So I need to figure out how to deal with my reaction or else I'm going to go bonkers.

Any advice on how to handle this? I know it's pretty benign, but being asked daily about something I did a week ago is draining.

It's not benign my friend. I hear you've tried counseling. If you don't get much from one counselor, I'd highly recommend looking around for another counselor. Try to focus on the good things in him like the fact that he's not harsh or overly critical. Speak the truth to him in a soft tone with calm, loving body language by gently telling him how this makes you feel. Say, "I feel pressured, worn out, overwhelmed, etc...." Avoid saying things like, "You're driving me nuts with your incessant tasks...." The more you practice doing this, you will see positive change. I did it with my husband about 5 years ago, despite a deeply emotional affair he was having with another woman. Thankfully, through my faith and dependence on God, our marriage was healed! He can and will do the same for you if you give it all over to Him! here's a helpful article and video: http://bit.ly/2kQFqDQ

[Anonymous]

My DH likes to correct my grammar. Specifically "Me and Larla..." vs "Larla and I..." and it drives me bonkers. I told him a couple months ago that it's been 16 years. If I haven't changed it by now, let it go. He hasn't done it since.

I still can't remember that damn rule and I don't really care.