Handling DH's criticism
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Anonymous
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DH often makes critical comments- for example, he'll keep asking me for days why I forgot a simple task like washing a cup out, or if we have guests over, once they leave he'll immediately point out the things I did wrong. He never says things in a harsh tone, and it's not overtly critical, but it wears me down.
I've asked him to stop and he won't. We've tried counseling and it helped some, but it's still an almost daily occurance. I'm certain he's not going to change and I won't separate/divorce because we have kids. And it's not that I'm totally absent minded and forget to do everything; he just expects absolute perfection, which I can't do. So I need to figure out how to deal with my reaction or else I'm going to go bonkers. Any advice on how to handle this? I know it's pretty benign, but being asked daily about something I did a week ago is draining. |
Anonymous
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Why do you keep asking me about that?
Do you really want an answer or are you just picking on me? I don't have an answer I guess wears back to that again. Oh no, the cup question again. What do you think? |
Anonymous
| I would laugh and roll your eyes. Why do you indulge this? Imagine a toddler is asking you the same questions over and over again. "Because I said so." |
Anonymous
| I'd tell him to STFU. |
Anonymous
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It's a tad OCD. Maybe every time he does it, hit him over the head with a newspaper.
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Anonymous
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Before you decide to stay together "for the kids," remember that he will eventually begin to treat them this way as well.
Growing up that way turns that constant criticism into your mental sound track and your kids will internalize and criticize themselves even in his absence. |
Anonymous
+1 And they will believe this is an appropriate way to interact with everyone in their lives, from their spouses to their coworkers to their teachers. Imagine how their relationships will play out. |
Anonymous
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Do you think he is putting you down to boost his own ego?
If so, will reminding yourself that he is doing that help? Hoes does he handle criticism himself? Does he understand how every comment makes you feel? Would it help to respond to every comment/question with "I'm sorry if when I did _______ you felt ______. When you say ______ it makes me feel _______. Also tell him that for every time he says something negative to you or to your kids he needs to say 2 positive things. |
Anonymous
OP, you're missing the bigger picture, and it's not benign. (But no, this is NOT going to be one of those idiotic, reflexive DCUM "divorce him immediately!" posts.) You nearly nailed it yourself in your post: "He just expects absolute perfection." He will do this to your kids eventually and it will be more than "draining" for them over the years -- it will undermine their self-confidence and make them always second-guess themselves. It will make them leery of daddy, and always feeling they can't please him, ever. Look ahead at your family's future and picture that dynamic. I know-- he does not use a "harsh tone" and isn't "overtly critical" as you say, but even then it's wearing YOU down; picture how kids will end up after growing up with that not too harsh, not overtly critical, but constantly picky presence in their daily lives. He may say he doesn't do that to them at all (only to you, right?) but the end of that sentence is "yet." He'll do it eventually. YOU deserve not to be picked at by a perfectionist like this; do this for yourself but also for your kids: Sit down with him when the kids are not there. No distractions, not a time when he needs to get out the door to work or anything else. Then tell him what you say here. He is likely to get defensive and say it's not a big deal, you're blowing it out of proportion etc. etc. But if you have discussed this in counseling, don't let him get away with "You're too sensitive" kinds of deflection; a counselor has told him already that this IS something to work on changing yet he still does it almost daily and is unable to see the effect it has. Tell him that this time there needs to be a much more lasting effort. First, you and he need to get back to couples counseling (if you're not still there--it sounds from the post as if you're no longer in counseling--?). But he also needs to agree to getting individual therapy to deal with his perfectionist tendencies and whatever in his upbringing made him that way. Point out to him that what he is doing to you will feel very different and be internalized differently by your children; a lifetime of your saying, "Oh, you're doing fine, daddy's just like that" will mean they either quickly learn to ignore daddy or they learn that as much as they love him they cannot ever, ever please him entirely. Serious talk. Counseling. Individual therapy. And yes, call him out when he does it to you. Stop whatever you're doing and repeat back exactly what he just said: "Hang on. You just asked me why I did not wash that cup on Tuesday. It's now Friday. You asked me the same thing Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. The cup is clean now. Do you see that you are doing the behavior the counselor talked about?" or whatever. Coolly and not confrontationally. He may take it as confrontation. That too would need to be worked on with a therapist. He sounds possibly anxious and as someone else noted, maybe there's some level of OCD going on. He very likely sees his behaviors as simply normal--that's his world view. But he needs a real wake-up call that the repeated (if trivial) nagging is actually much more damaging to his wife and kids than he realizes; it may be "just a cup" to him but to you it turns into a stick he's using to whack you day after day. That's why professionals need to be involved long-term. He isn't fully going to hear this from you. I hope that if he went to counseling already, he'll be open to seeing his own therapist. Meanwhile, you can make an effort to remember each day why you married him and what you love about him. It's all still there, but getting strangled by whatever perfectionism or OCD or anxiety is present. Love the man under that stuff, but tell him he must accept that there IS stuff to deal with and if he does not, he is risking his relationship with you and with his kids. |
Anonymous
| If he asks you to do a simple, reasonable task, maybe you just just fucking do it. |
Anonymous
You either are like OP's husband or you have never lived with someone like him. It's not about just doing the simple, reasonable task. She could wash every damned cup instantly and until it's sanitized and it would still never be clean enough. She could do every single task and he would find other things to focus on and nitpick. He'll do the same to their kids. No school project will be perfect enough, no grade high enough. Never enough and an always dissatisfied dad and husband. But unless he buys into getting real mental help, he will deny he is like this and then someday wonder why his wife and kids are so distant and don't really like him much any more. If they're even still around him. |
Anonymous
| Get some yellow referee flags and throw them at him every time. |
TwistdMike
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I'm crying over here... my gut hurts... thanks for the laugh! 
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Anonymous
| I think going to individual counseling yourself might help you deal with it. |
Anonymous
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Negative comments always far outweigh the positive. Op there is no way this is not affecting your kids. I would call him out on it every single time. You can't allow him to do this all the time.
What are you willing to do op? |