Handling DH's criticism

[Anonymous]

OP, that doesn't sound like he has normal responses to life's little problems. Since you said he isn't mad about the issues, just rehashing them over and over, could he be OCD? Have anxiety? Something else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thanks for your replies! This was really helpful.

As to why I don't do simple tasks- 95% of the time I do. If it's something I can't do, I let him know and he has no problem with that. With the cup, he asked me to wash one of his cups while I was in the middle of washing a sink full of dishes. I said yes, he left the cup on the other side of the kitchen out of my sight, I finished up all the other dishes and forgot to wash it. No big deal, I was happy to wash it later that night after he asked me why I forgot. But long after the cup was washed he kept asking me over and over- "what was going through your head? Did you really forget? Were you just not thinking? Did you purposely not wash it? It was right there in the kitchen, how could you not see it? Do you always have a hard time remembering to do things?" He's not even mad, it's just that for hours or days afterwards he keeps asking me why and just seems baffled that I would forget to wash his cup. And he forgets to do things just as often as I do, but I don't care and don't make a big deal out of it.

Emotional abuse. Don't put up with it. Literally leave the room. He needs to get the message that his hectoring and criticism is unacceptable - this is NOT how healthy adults interact.

[Anonymous]

Was he like this when you were dating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide to stay together "for the kids," remember that he will eventually begin to treat them this way as well.

Growing up that way turns that constant criticism into your mental sound track and your kids will internalize and criticize themselves even in his absence.

+1

And they will believe this is an appropriate way to interact with everyone in their lives, from their spouses to their coworkers to their teachers. Imagine how their relationships will play out.

There is nothing that can be done about this by divorce. If she divorces him, he is still there father, and presumably he'll have half custody and do this to them on his own time. So, that parts simply a done deal.

Right now they live with him 100% of the time. While I think there are a lot of steps between realizing there is a serious and fundamental problem with your partner and divorce, if DH ultimately refuses to change this behavior then it would be better for the kids to live 50% of the time with a parent who offers unconditional love and genuine appreciation for who they are than 100% of the time with a dad who criticizes everything they do and a mom who makes excuses.

[Anonymous]

He's just a guy that needs to understand a process before he can move on. He's not being an ass on purpose, he really does want to know what happened so he can move on. It's just the way his brain works, don't take it personal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thanks for your replies! This was really helpful.

As to why I don't do simple tasks- 95% of the time I do. If it's something I can't do, I let him know and he has no problem with that. With the cup, he asked me to wash one of his cups while I was in the middle of washing a sink full of dishes. I said yes, he left the cup on the other side of the kitchen out of my sight, I finished up all the other dishes and forgot to wash it. No big deal, I was happy to wash it later that night after he asked me why I forgot. But long after the cup was washed he kept asking me over and over- "what was going through your head? Did you really forget? Were you just not thinking? Did you purposely not wash it? It was right there in the kitchen, how could you not see it? Do you always have a hard time remembering to do things?" He's not even mad, it's just that for hours or days afterwards he keeps asking me why and just seems baffled that I would forget to wash his cup. And he forgets to do things just as often as I do, but I don't care and don't make a big deal out of it.

Good lord - how have you not scream STFU at him? I would have lost my shit after about a day of that.

WRT the cup - did you say to him, "You put it out of my sight instead of next to the sink where I was washing dishes. Next time you should put it in the most logical place so that I will remember."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thanks for your replies! This was really helpful.

As to why I don't do simple tasks- 95% of the time I do. If it's something I can't do, I let him know and he has no problem with that. With the cup, he asked me to wash one of his cups while I was in the middle of washing a sink full of dishes. I said yes, he left the cup on the other side of the kitchen out of my sight, I finished up all the other dishes and forgot to wash it. No big deal, I was happy to wash it later that night after he asked me why I forgot. But long after the cup was washed he kept asking me over and over- "what was going through your head? Did you really forget? Were you just not thinking? Did you purposely not wash it? It was right there in the kitchen, how could you not see it? Do you always have a hard time remembering to do things?" He's not even mad, it's just that for hours or days afterwards he keeps asking me why and just seems baffled that I would forget to wash his cup. And he forgets to do things just as often as I do, but I don't care and don't make a big deal out of it.

Good lord - how have you not scream STFU at him? I would have lost my shit after about a day of that.

WRT the cup - did you say to him, "You put it out of my sight instead of next to the sink where I was washing dishes. Next time you should put it in the most logical place so that I will remember."

Lol, I have screamed STFU at him many times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thanks for your replies! This was really helpful.

As to why I don't do simple tasks- 95% of the time I do. If it's something I can't do, I let him know and he has no problem with that. With the cup, he asked me to wash one of his cups while I was in the middle of washing a sink full of dishes. I said yes, he left the cup on the other side of the kitchen out of my sight, I finished up all the other dishes and forgot to wash it. No big deal, I was happy to wash it later that night after he asked me why I forgot. But long after the cup was washed he kept asking me over and over- "what was going through your head? Did you really forget? Were you just not thinking? Did you purposely not wash it? It was right there in the kitchen, how could you not see it? Do you always have a hard time remembering to do things?" He's not even mad, it's just that for hours or days afterwards he keeps asking me why and just seems baffled that I would forget to wash his cup. And he forgets to do things just as often as I do, but I don't care and don't make a big deal out of it.

He definitely needs therapy and meds. Does he have any friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide to stay together "for the kids," remember that he will eventually begin to treat them this way as well.

Growing up that way turns that constant criticism into your mental sound track and your kids will internalize and criticize themselves even in his absence.

+1

And they will believe this is an appropriate way to interact with everyone in their lives, from their spouses to their coworkers to their teachers. Imagine how their relationships will play out.

There is nothing that can be done about this by divorce. If she divorces him, he is still there father, and presumably he'll have half custody and do this to them on his own time. So, that parts simply a done deal.

Right now they live with him 100% of the time. While I think there are a lot of steps between realizing there is a serious and fundamental problem with your partner and divorce, if DH ultimately refuses to change this behavior then it would be better for the kids to live 50% of the time with a parent who offers unconditional love and genuine appreciation for who they are than 100% of the time with a dad who criticizes everything they do and a mom who makes excuses.

But then they are ALONE with the critical parent 50% of the time. Could not disagree with you more.

[Anonymous]

Do not answer stupid questions and walk out of the room when he asks again. Tell him once that you are NOT going to entertain his nonsense and that is it. It is very hard to argue or harass someone who won't play back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do not answer stupid questions and walk out of the room when he asks again. Tell him once that you are NOT going to entertain his nonsense and that is it. It is very hard to argue or harass someone who won't play back.

Finally, a reasonable answer. OP, all these posters telling you to "talk to your husband sternly and tell him he cannot do that" are just..misguided. You can't tell someone what to do, and you certainly cannot make "telling someone what to do and expecting them to do it" key for resolving conflicts. That's giving your power away to someone else.

The only person you can control is you. You are the answer. Not him. He is criticizing you because he sees that you are trying to achieve a criticism-free environment. The question to ask is: why do you care? Why do you care that he's unhappy with your non-cup-washing ways? Why do you care that he doesn't criticize you? So, stop caring. And make him see that. Make him understand no one cares that he expects the cups to be washed. Example:

Why didn't you wash that cup?

Didn't feel like it. (Direct look in his eyes)

(Repeating) Why didn't you wash that cup?

Just to piss you off. (Direct look in his eyes)

Do that enough and it will dawn on him that criticizing you feels bad and you aren't responding to it in any way. Like a dog. What you do is make it unpleasant FOR HIM to criticize you. Pretty soon he will make the connection "um, she doesn't care that I am dissatisfied with her ways of doing things, and she isn't going to change things to satisfy me. She is not up running to do things just to make me NOT criticize her. Plus, when I tell her what to do, she makes me feel stupid. Uh-oh. I don't want to be made feel stupid. "

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's just a guy that needs to understand a process before he can move on. He's not being an ass on purpose, he really does want to know what happened so he can move on. It's just the way his brain works, don't take it personal.

Are you saying that OP's DH is on the autism spectrum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not answer stupid questions and walk out of the room when he asks again. Tell him once that you are NOT going to entertain his nonsense and that is it. It is very hard to argue or harass someone who won't play back.

Finally, a reasonable answer. OP, all these posters telling you to "talk to your husband sternly and tell him he cannot do that" are just..misguided. You can't tell someone what to do, and you certainly cannot make "telling someone what to do and expecting them to do it" key for resolving conflicts. That's giving your power away to someone else.

The only person you can control is you. You are the answer. Not him. He is criticizing you because he sees that you are trying to achieve a criticism-free environment. The question to ask is: why do you care? Why do you care that he's unhappy with your non-cup-washing ways? Why do you care that he doesn't criticize you? So, stop caring. And make him see that. Make him understand no one cares that he expects the cups to be washed. Example:

Why didn't you wash that cup?

Didn't feel like it. (Direct look in his eyes)

(Repeating) Why didn't you wash that cup?

Just to piss you off. (Direct look in his eyes)

Do that enough and it will dawn on him that criticizing you feels bad and you aren't responding to it in any way. Like a dog. What you do is make it unpleasant FOR HIM to criticize you. Pretty soon he will make the connection "um, she doesn't care that I am dissatisfied with her ways of doing things, and she isn't going to change things to satisfy me. She is not up running to do things just to make me NOT criticize her. Plus, when I tell her what to do, she makes me feel stupid. Uh-oh. I don't want to be made feel stupid. "

why would you respond in a hostile, antagonistic way to someone like OP's husband, unless you think he's playing games with her? Why wouldn't you try to understand the root of the problem? My guess would be that you're not very interested in sex nor do you love a person to whom you would repeatedly respond, "just to piss you off."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here and thanks for your replies! This was really helpful.

As to why I don't do simple tasks- 95% of the time I do. If it's something I can't do, I let him know and he has no problem with that. With the cup, he asked me to wash one of his cups while I was in the middle of washing a sink full of dishes. I said yes, he left the cup on the other side of the kitchen out of my sight, I finished up all the other dishes and forgot to wash it. No big deal, I was happy to wash it later that night after he asked me why I forgot. But long after the cup was washed he kept asking me over and over- "what was going through your head? Did you really forget? Were you just not thinking? Did you purposely not wash it? It was right there in the kitchen, how could you not see it? Do you always have a hard time remembering to do things?" He's not even mad, it's just that for hours or days afterwards he keeps asking me why and just seems baffled that I would forget to wash his cup. And he forgets to do things just as often as I do, but I don't care and don't make a big deal out of it.

Good lord - how have you not scream STFU at him? I would have lost my shit after about a day of that.

WRT the cup - did you say to him, "You put it out of my sight instead of next to the sink where I was washing dishes. Next time you should put it in the most logical place so that I will remember."

Lol, I have screamed STFU at him many times

Next time, you should turn it on him. Keep calmly asking why he put it out of your sight. Ask him what was going through his head. Tell him you can't understand why someone who wants a cup washed wouldn't bring it to the sink. Just as an experiment to see how he likes the shoe on the other foot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's just a guy that needs to understand a process before he can move on. He's not being an ass on purpose, he really does want to know what happened so he can move on. It's just the way his brain works, don't take it personal.

Here is the answer. Turning into super bitch not required