Stop telling kids they are "gifted."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any therapist who works with elementary/MS kids will tell you this is becoming really corrosive. There are a ton of kids really feeling the pressure to remain in gifted programs as they grow older but who were heavily coached in preschool or early elementary and are just nice, normal kids who are having lots of anxiety issues related to this designation. At MS, sometimes before, it often takes the form of antisocial behavior.

Well, there's your problem.

Telling your child s/he is gifted, or not telling them, won't hinder them for life. Kids have been in gifted programs for decades, and some have anxiety and some don't. The label is not the problem, it's what the parents and child do with the label that's the problem.

Telling your kids they are gifted is not good for them. It creates the mindset that they are succeeding by innate talent instead of hard work and practice. The first time they get to a difficult place in their studies, kids labeled "gifted" tend to give up and quit because they expect to be able to do it on the basis of innate talent rather than hard work. Labeling kids "gifted" makes them academically and emotionally fragile.

http://www.nytimes.com/1998/07/14/science/praise-children-for-effort-not-intelligence-study-says.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/200911/the-problem-giftedness

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a highly gifted kid. She was bused off site to gifted centers and we were encouraged to enroll her in college her 7th grade year. She is a National Merit Scholar and recent college grad.

Being labeled "gifted" was the worst thing the schools could have done. She suffers from a fairly serious anxiety disorder even now as an adult. Nothing but perfection is ever good enough. I saw her throw up many times over a grade of 98%. In college nothing but perfect grades were ok with her. Her entire identity was (is) wrapped up in that fucking label. And nothing we did as parents helped.

If I could go back in time, I would homeschooled.

I don't know if the label gave her that much anxiety and perfectionism. Often profoundly gifted people are wired to be anxious and perfectionists...those traits are comorbid. Please don't beat yourself up. Maybe she just needs a little therapy to help her deal with her Anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a highly gifted kid. She was bused off site to gifted centers and we were encouraged to enroll her in college her 7th grade year. She is a National Merit Scholar and recent college grad.

Being labeled "gifted" was the worst thing the schools could have done. She suffers from a fairly serious anxiety disorder even now as an adult. Nothing but perfection is ever good enough. I saw her throw up many times over a grade of 98%. In college nothing but perfect grades were ok with her. Her entire identity was (is) wrapped up in that fucking label. And nothing we did as parents helped.

If I could go back in time, I would homeschooled.

I don't know if the label gave her that much anxiety and perfectionism. Often profoundly gifted people are wired to be anxious and perfectionists...those traits are comorbid. Please don't beat yourself up. Maybe she just needs a little therapy to help her deal with her Anxiety.

Thank you for that. Your words brought peace to an internet stranger across the country.

I do beat myself up over it. We have other grown kids and she is the only "gifted" (hate that word) one. We nearly had to have her hospitalized for anxiety. She is in therapy and on medication and has Valium for panic if she needs it. She is just such a great kid. She teaches ESE in DC. She is sweet to everyone. And she is so beautiful! But she is so sensitive and so introverted. I just want her to be happy. We moved away and she is alone in the city and homesick and lonely. Wish I could set her up with the perfect guy. She is 23, wicked smart, great sense of humor, very pretty, and very, very shy. Anyone have an eligible friend? Haha!

[Anonymous]

Just 'cos your snowflake is a dum dum does not mean I cannot call my kid gifted specially if all objective evidence point to that conclusion. I take your point about normalizing the social interaction etc, however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just 'cos your snowflake is a dum dum does not mean I cannot call my kid gifted specially if all objective evidence point to that conclusion. I take your point about normalizing the social interaction etc, however.

I'm the poster above with the highly gifted child. She started college in 7th grade. I promise you, there are downsides to the label. Like I said, if I could start over I would avoid that label even if it meant homeschooling. And this is a kid who went to college at zero cost to us. And calling any child dumb is just so messed up. A fish who can't climb a tree isn't dumb.

[Anonymous]

I also hate the term. It's bizarrely pseudoscientific. It makes it sound as if a child is simply "gifted" or not, as if it's as simple as
having blue eyes or brown. One of my favorite lines from Lake Wobegon is "smart doesn't count for much." If you wouldn't tell your child they were born uniquely specially smart, it's probably not a good idea to tell them they're gifted either. I spent four years in college with some of the most anxious, self-centered, perspectiveless "gifted" children imaginable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just 'cos your snowflake is a dum dum does not mean I cannot call my kid gifted specially if all objective evidence point to that conclusion. I take your point about normalizing the social interaction etc, however.

Pretty sure that your child is fairly average. Those of us who do have children with academic abilities way beyond the norm understand this issue entirely and we avoid labels if at all possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just 'cos your snowflake is a dum dum does not mean I cannot call my kid gifted specially if all objective evidence point to that conclusion. I take your point about normalizing the social interaction etc, however.

Pretty sure that your child is fairly average. Those of us who do have children with academic abilities way beyond the norm understand this issue entirely and we avoid labels if at all possible.

AMEN!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any therapist who works with elementary/MS kids will tell you this is becoming really corrosive. There are a ton of kids really feeling the pressure to remain in gifted programs as they grow older but who were heavily coached in preschool or early elementary and are just nice, normal kids who are having lots of anxiety issues related to this designation. At MS, sometimes before, it often takes the form of antisocial behavior.

Well, there's your problem.

Telling your child s/he is gifted, or not telling them, won't hinder them for life. Kids have been in gifted programs for decades, and some have anxiety and some don't. The label is not the problem, it's what the parents and child do with the label that's the problem.

Telling your kids they are gifted is not good for them. It creates the mindset that they are succeeding by innate talent instead of hard work and practice. The first time they get to a difficult place in their studies, kids labeled "gifted" tend to give up and quit because they expect to be able to do it on the basis of innate talent rather than hard work. Labeling kids "gifted" makes them academically and emotionally fragile.

http://www.nytimes.com/1998/07/14/science/praise-children-for-effort-not-intelligence-study-says.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/200911/the-problem-giftedness

This. I cringe when people tell my son how smart he is. I want him to learn to work hard and give his best effort. I don't want him to assume that everything will come easily to him. I'm a teacher and see the effects of kids who've been told how gifted they are. A lot of times those are the kids who give very little effort as long as they get high scores on tests and are disinterested in strengthening any relatively weaker skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any therapist who works with elementary/MS kids will tell you this is becoming really corrosive. There are a ton of kids really feeling the pressure to remain in gifted programs as they grow older but who were heavily coached in preschool or early elementary and are just nice, normal kids who are having lots of anxiety issues related to this designation. At MS, sometimes before, it often takes the form of antisocial behavior.

Well, there's your problem.

Telling your child s/he is gifted, or not telling them, won't hinder them for life. Kids have been in gifted programs for decades, and some have anxiety and some don't. The label is not the problem, it's what the parents and child do with the label that's the problem.

Telling your kids they are gifted is not good for them. It creates the mindset that they are succeeding by innate talent instead of hard work and practice. The first time they get to a difficult place in their studies, kids labeled "gifted" tend to give up and quit because they expect to be able to do it on the basis of innate talent rather than hard work. Labeling kids "gifted" makes them academically and emotionally fragile.

http://www.nytimes.com/1998/07/14/science/praise-children-for-effort-not-intelligence-study-says.html

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/200911/the-problem-giftedness

This. I cringe when people tell my son how smart he is. I want him to learn to work hard and give his best effort. I don't want him to assume that everything will come easily to him. I'm a teacher and see the effects of kids who've been told how gifted they are. A lot of times those are the kids who give very little effort as long as they get high scores on tests and are disinterested in strengthening any relatively weaker skills.

I am the parent above with the highly gifted daughter and I despise everything about the "gifted program". As a teacher, please look out for kids like mine as well. She literally threw up over a 98%. If it wasn't 100%, she considered herself a failure. I couldn't change it. Her therapist couldn't change it. Maybe one of her teachers could. That child is now an ESE (exceptional student education - not sure what you call it at your school) teacher herself and I'm really hoping she can prevent exactly what happened to her from happening to other exceptional kids, regardless of exceptionality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just 'cos your snowflake is a dum dum does not mean I cannot call my kid gifted specially if all objective evidence point to that conclusion. I take your point about normalizing the social interaction etc, however.

Pretty sure that your child is fairly average. Those of us who do have children with academic abilities way beyond the norm understand this issue entirely and we avoid labels if at all possible.

AMEN!

Good you raise your kid your way and I will raise mine in the way I seen fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just 'cos your snowflake is a dum dum does not mean I cannot call my kid gifted specially if all objective evidence point to that conclusion. I take your point about normalizing the social interaction etc, however.

I'm the poster above with the highly gifted child. She started college in 7th grade. I promise you, there are downsides to the label. Like I said, if I could start over I would avoid that label even if it meant homeschooling. And this is a kid who went to college at zero cost to us. And calling any child dumb is just so messed up. A fish who can't climb a tree isn't dumb.

Completely agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just 'cos your snowflake is a dum dum does not mean I cannot call my kid gifted specially if all objective evidence point to that conclusion. I take your point about normalizing the social interaction etc, however.

Pretty sure that your child is fairly average. Those of us who do have children with academic abilities way beyond the norm understand this issue entirely and we avoid labels if at all possible.

AMEN!

Good you raise your kid your way and I will raise mine in the way I seen fit.

I'm not sure if you are trolling or not. If not, please read my story. My daughter is considered highly gifted. I posted earlier that she began taking college classes in 7th grade because her school could not give her what she needed - their words, not mine. She graduated with a 4.7 GPA from high school. She graduated summa cum laude from college on a full academic scholarship. National Merit Scholar. NONE of it was worth the toll it took on her emotionally and physically. Despite every effort on the part of us, therapists, and teachers, her entire identity is tied to being "smart". Anything less than perfect sends her into panic. She is not able to see herself for the funny, beautiful, compassionate, giving person she is. She sees herself as smart. As gifted. NOTHING we did helped. Nothing.

I promise you that you are wrong. You have no idea what you are talking about. And you do not have a child with "academic abilities way beyond the norm" because if you did, we wouldn't be having this conversation. You would get that being labeled "gifted" sometimes comes with a lot of really bad shit.

[Anonymous]

To pp, you have my sympathy. However, she is going to know she is smarter than other people, whatever you called her. I don't think names are what made her life difficult.

Actualy, it is often thought not having enough challenge early on could exacerbated perfectionism. One of the most beneficial thing for gifted kids is to provide enouh academic challenge early and often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To pp, you have my sympathy. However, she is going to know she is smarter than other people, whatever you called her. I don't think names are what made her life difficult.

Actualy, it is often thought not having enough challenge early on could exacerbated perfectionism. One of the most beneficial thing for gifted kids is to provide enouh academic challenge early and often.

Maybe. But she had all that. She was bussed to highly gifted centers, she was in college at 14. She was challenged. I guess I just feel a lot of guilt for allowing people to focus on her intelligence over everything else. She is also talented actor and finally found her outlet in musical theater, thankfully. I don't like the gifted label because I truly believe all kids are gifted. Just mama guilt. She is actually a pretty great teacher