DIL invite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those saying DIL should have "discussed it first"--please explain this to me because I sincerely don't get it. We, a financially independent, grown-up couple discussed what we wanted to do for a major holiday this year and came to a decision. As I see it, the next step is just to inform anyone who may be effected by that decision. Why would we need to discuss it with anyone else? Truly. If I already know what I'm going to do, there's no discussion to be had. If I wanted a really big family party, I might call someone to discuss if there was anyone else it would be nice to invite, but if the point is to keep it small, then we likely chose the guest list carefully. Calling someone (esp. what sounds like a pretty critical MIL) to discuss gives the false impression that it is open to debate. What if it was a done deal? How does one announce that without being in the wrong?

I think it's very weird to announce a change in family tradition via evite. It's very passive aggressive.

I'm a DIL who discussed with my DH and decided we wanted to host Christmas for the first time this year, as our kids are getting to the age where Santa is a big deal and want to stay home. We made this decision but then DH had to gently break the news to his mother, over the summer, since it was a change in family tradition. IMO that's the right thing to do- she wasn't very happy but I feel like an evite announcement would have been over the top.

This. Handling this through an evite is what is odd and understandably disturbing to op. I'm another DIL, not a MIL. It's fine to decide you want to host or do your own thing different from a long-standing tradition, but that's worth a phone call or at least an individual email, not a group Evite. That's pretty cold.

If I were op, I'd call my son and ask him what's up, see what he has to say and go from there.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Holidays are such a touchy subject. When we first married we alternated between families yearly since the distance makes it so we can only see one family for each holiday. After several years we realized that the burden was only on us to travel, the older generation was unwilling to change their plans, so we announced very early that year that we would no longer travel for thanksgiving and instead would host at our home for anyone's who wished to come or else we'd just see the side whose turn it was that year for Christmas as we were short in leave and traveling for thanksgiving had become more and more time consuming/costly every year. Each side was not happy, but ILs in particular lost it, which I found strange because thanksgiving at their house was never more than them and us.

But it's been 10 years now and everyone has settled down about it, sometimes people come to us, sometimes it's just us and the kids, sometimes we pick up friends/coworkers who had nowhere else to go, etc.

I think your son should have at least warned you well in advance of their intentions. I don't think, barring illness or extenuating circumstances, that it is normal to change up holiday plans without any warning. And I would place this squarely on your son. He knew they were planning to host. He knew about your family tradition. It was his job to keep you informed.

[Anonymous]

The evite was strange, but a change is not strange. I'm a DIL and we have done Thankagiving at my parents' house most of the time, and Christmas with my in-laws. This year, however, I am not up to traveling and wanted to do Thanksgiving at my house. Nobody had discussed the location even as of October, but we typically do go to my hometown. A couple of weeks ago, I emailed my family and my husband's family letting them know that we aren't up for traveling this year but are happy to host whoever wants to come here. Turns out they all are coming, which surprised me, so now both my family and my husband's family will be together. I didn't do an evite, but it was just a simple email. Hopefully, none of them are super pissed. I have had an incredibly bad year and just can't deal with the drama and stress of dragging my three small kids around the country this time.

[Anonymous]

I don't know why she would have done that. How long has she been married to your son? How many years did she come to your place for Thanksgiving? Is she inviting her parents as well, who might not be invited to your Thanksgiving? Is it a desire to have both families together so she doesn't have to be without her parents and siblings? What are her reasons for a change, that is the question?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not "badmouthing" anyone. Why are you all so hostile when I am simply asking for advice?

The e-vite came from her, not my son. Of course I can and will talk to him about it, but she seemed to take the lead on this.

Why is it so bad for me to express hurt and ask for advice?

Lot of negativity here but a lot if great people also. You just have to ignore the responses that serve no purpose but to stir things up. I'm sorry you're hurt. I would be also if DIL or son hadn't even told me before sending the invite. Hope things work out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I'm not "badmouthing" anyone. Why are you all so hostile when I am simply asking for advice?

The e-vite came from her, not my son. Of course I can and will talk to him about it, but she seemed to take the lead on this.

Why is it so bad for me to express hurt and ask for advice?

OP, many pps here are anti MIL to the extreme. I think it is some younger generation women who have to be center of the attention non stop, since maybe their parents brought them up that way. I am not a MIL yet, but I would have never dreamed of taking holidays away from my MIL. Unfortunately she passed away quite young and I became the host. I am married to the oldest son and I enjoy making Thanksgiving feasts and other holidays, even though I am originally from Europe. It was more of a default that this fell to me, as I still cook old fashioned way, learned from my Grandma in Europe and I enjoy it. My SIL isn't that great of a cook and a hostess and BIL wasn't married at the time of her passing. Same as with my parents in Europe, when we are there, it is my mom who makes the holidays, I help a lot when I am there, but it is all my mom's doing. Even if she complains about too much work, my sister and I know it gives her and my Dad joy to welcome grandkids and extended family and friends and to take credit and praise for it. These things are the right of passage in my country, so to say, even established often by church as to who should take over the religious holiday in a family with several sons or daughters. I think some traditions should be kept. And not I am not old fashioned and raised to listen to men. I am from a very modern family with working women and raised to be independent and equal with men or even to think I am better. Have an honest talk with your DS and just ask how come they want to host this year. Is your SIL maybe pregnant again, or do they have to travel to you and money could be an issue?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I called DIL and asked if I could bring anything. She said she'd get back to me, but she doesn't want to use my China.

I asked if this was family only, and she said yes. I mentioned that I'd need to talk to our family friends before I can confirm that my husband and I will be there. She said she'd let me son know.

I'm just so hurt by this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I called DIL and asked if I could bring anything. She said she'd get back to me, but she doesn't want to use my China.

I asked if this was family only, and she said yes. I mentioned that I'd need to talk to our family friends before I can confirm that my husband and I will be there. She said she'd let me son know.

I'm just so hurt by this

Why didn't you talk with your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I called DIL and asked if I could bring anything. She said she'd get back to me, but she doesn't want to use my China.

I asked if this was family only, and she said yes. I mentioned that I'd need to talk to our family friends before I can confirm that my husband and I will be there. She said she'd let me son know.

I'm just so hurt by this

Why didn't you talk with your son?

Because she sent the invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I called DIL and asked if I could bring anything. She said she'd get back to me, but she doesn't want to use my China.

I asked if this was family only, and she said yes. I mentioned that I'd need to talk to our family friends before I can confirm that my husband and I will be there. She said she'd let me son know.

I'm just so hurt by this

Why didn't you talk with your son?

Because she sent the invitation.

You should still be calling your son. Don't you talk to him at all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I called DIL and asked if I could bring anything. She said she'd get back to me, but she doesn't want to use my China.

I asked if this was family only, and she said yes. I mentioned that I'd need to talk to our family friends before I can confirm that my husband and I will be there. She said she'd let me son know.

I'm just so hurt by this

Why didn't you talk with your son?

Because she sent the invitation.

You are now contributing to the problem. Your call should have been to your son. An invitation to their home for a holiday is. It just coming from your DIL just because it was her email on the invite. You needed to call your son and politely say "Son, received your Evite for turkey day. This is a huge change for us, what's going on?" Hear him out. Ok son, thanks for the explanation. Perhaps in the future you could give us a heads up before changing a major holiday event via Evite 3 weeks before as of course, we'd already extended our usual invitation to Joe, Sally, and Mary."

[Anonymous]

Sorry "isn't" not is. It.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I called DIL and asked if I could bring anything. She said she'd get back to me, but she doesn't want to use my China.

I asked if this was family only, and she said yes. I mentioned that I'd need to talk to our family friends before I can confirm that my husband and I will be there. She said she'd let me son know.

I'm just so hurt by this

So sorry OP, I would be hurt and mystified too. I don't think it's that you mind change, it's just that she hijacked this holiday without notice. And so last minute! And what are YOUR guests supposed to do. I get her wanting to start her own tradition. But she went about this in a horrible way. I would lean towards doing your holiday as you always do. Do you have other kids? How have they reacted to this?

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sympathetic to you- this wasn't a good way for your son and DIL to handle it- but I agree with PPs you need to woman up and call your son.

[Anonymous]

You need to call your son.

Right now you're just hiding behind the excuse that the evite was from the DIL's email address, so it's just from her. This seems like a defense mechanism to let your son completely off the hook and place all your hurt feelings solely on your DIL.

Call your son.

If anyone needed to talk to you about this ahead of time, it was him. This was not your DIL's responsibility. He knows your traditions/expectations and he wanted to start a new tradition with his nuclear family, so it was his responsibility to call you and talk about it. Since he didn't do that, and your feelings are hurt, it's now on you to call him. Do not put your DIL in the middle of this.