DIL invite

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I called DIL and asked if I could bring anything. She said she'd get back to me, but she doesn't want to use my China.

I asked if this was family only, and she said yes. I mentioned that I'd need to talk to our family friends before I can confirm that my husband and I will be there. She said she'd let me son know.

I'm just so hurt by this

Did you seriously suggest bringing your china over to their house? That seems really weirdly controlling. I think the evite was passive-aggressive but if you are the type who insists on bringing her own china, may be justified....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No

Op, think about it - - why should DIL and son always have to have THEIR Thanksgiving YOUR way? Your tradition. The way you always have done it.

I have no problem with change, or with her hosting. But the way it was done, with no discussion, excluding lifelong friends who have been celebrating with us for much longer than she has been around, was callous.

OMG. Thank god I don't have you for a MIL. Why does it require discussion? It probably was already discussed--with her husband. You want to attend fine, you don't then fine too. They get a say in their holiday. They are adults. And hello--it's 2016 Evite is fine. You are just looking for reasons to be pissed off.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I'm sorry, OP. I agree that it's pretty wild to just extend an invitation via email for a major holiday without a discussion beforehand. It's not a dinner party that she just decided to throw on a random day, it's Thanksgiving.

On the other hand, it's perfectly ok for you to host your own Thanksgiving with your friends and see you son and DIL another time. That would not be the end of the world, would it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No

Op, think about it - - why should DIL and son always have to have THEIR Thanksgiving YOUR way? Your tradition. The way you always have done it.

I have no problem with change, or with her hosting. But the way it was done, with no discussion, excluding lifelong friends who have been celebrating with us for much longer than she has been around, was callous.

OMG. Thank god I don't have you for a MIL. Why does it require discussion? It probably was already discussed--with her husband. You want to attend fine, you don't then fine too. They get a say in their holiday. They are adults. And hello--it's 2016 Evite is fine. You are just looking for reasons to be pissed off.

In my family, before deciding who is hosting Thanksgiving or Christmas, there is usually a 3-4 week discussion beforehand. Everyone ultimately makes the choice that is best for them, but a discussion (i.e. "I'm thinking about hosting this year - what do you think?") helps us make sure that at least one of the "big" holidays involves all of the core family members.

Would it have been so hard for DIL (or son) to say to MIL "Hey, we're thinking about trying our hand at Thanksgiving this year, do you think you could make it?" MIL can then say"Well, we usually invite Tim and Mary to our Thanksgiving, they've been coming for 10 years - can they Join?" and then DIL or son could say "You know what, this year we were hoping it could be just family at our place, would you be ok with that?" and MIL could say "I love the idea of a Thanksgiving at your place, but we feel and obligation to Tim and Mary, so I think we'll have to decline. But if you want to host Christmas, we'd love to come!"

[Anonymous]

The evite was passive-aggressive but at this point, what's done is done. You can either decline or accept. If you accept, why not do another Thanksgiving dinner (different date) with your friends as well? Btw, even if your DIL sent the evite, your contact person should be your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to call your son.

Right now you're just hiding behind the excuse that the evite was from the DIL's email address, so it's just from her. This seems like a defense mechanism to let your son completely off the hook and place all your hurt feelings solely on your DIL.

Call your son.

If anyone needed to talk to you about this ahead of time, it was him. This was not your DIL's responsibility. He knows your traditions/expectations and he wanted to start a new tradition with his nuclear family, so it was his responsibility to call you and talk about it. Since he didn't do that, and your feelings are hurt, it's now on you to call him. Do not put your DIL in the middle of this.

+1

Why haven't you called your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No

Op, think about it - - why should DIL and son always have to have THEIR Thanksgiving YOUR way? Your tradition. The way you always have done it.

I have no problem with change, or with her hosting. But the way it was done, with no discussion, excluding lifelong friends who have been celebrating with us for much longer than she has been around, was callous.

OMG. Thank god I don't have you for a MIL. Why does it require discussion? It probably was already discussed--with her husband. You want to attend fine, you don't then fine too. They get a say in their holiday. They are adults. And hello--it's 2016 Evite is fine. You are just looking for reasons to be pissed off.

Yes ! You received an evite. Check yes or no. Send back. Case closed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to call your son.

Right now you're just hiding behind the excuse that the evite was from the DIL's email address, so it's just from her. This seems like a defense mechanism to let your son completely off the hook and place all your hurt feelings solely on your DIL.

Call your son.

If anyone needed to talk to you about this ahead of time, it was him. This was not your DIL's responsibility. He knows your traditions/expectations and he wanted to start a new tradition with his nuclear family, so it was his responsibility to call you and talk about it. Since he didn't do that, and your feelings are hurt, it's now on you to call him. Do not put your DIL in the middle of this.

+1

Why haven't you called your son?

Because she wants to be offended and upset with her DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The evite was passive-aggressive but at this point, what's done is done. You can either decline or accept. If you accept, why not do another Thanksgiving dinner (different date) with your friends as well? Btw, even if your DIL sent the evite, your contact person should be your son.

Because then they wouldn't be with us on Thanksgiving. It would just be an everyday dinner party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It IS a done deal. THEY will be hosting thanksgiving at THEIR home with THEIR guests. You can choose to join them because you want to see your child/grandchildren, or you can choose to host your own guests in your own home because that is an important tradition for you. Either is fine and valid. What you don't get to do is badmouth them for choosing a different way of celebrating or attempt to host your guests at their home.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I called DIL and asked if I could bring anything. She said she'd get back to me, but she doesn't want to use my China.

I asked if this was family only, and she said yes. I mentioned that I'd need to talk to our family friends before I can confirm that my husband and I will be there. She said she'd let me son know.

I'm just so hurt by this

Did you seriously suggest bringing your china over to their house? That seems really weirdly controlling. I think the evite was passive-aggressive but if you are the type who insists on bringing her own china, may be justified....

Yes, offering china is over the top. Your poor DS/DIL.

[Anonymous]

If the evite came from your DIL, then it came from your son as well. To assume DIL didn't discuss and plan this with her DH is, well, stupid? DIL is young and excited to host a dinner party at Thanksgiving for family. Tuck your childishness away, grow up, accept the invite with happiness that your son has a significant other that wants to continue a tradition, albeit with a different spin. Plan a small event with your friends for the Friday after and start a new tradition. Embrace your present, it is your future and leave the past and any resentment just there, in the past. Happy Thanksgiving!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The evite was passive-aggressive but at this point, what's done is done. You can either decline or accept. If you accept, why not do another Thanksgiving dinner (different date) with your friends as well? Btw, even if your DIL sent the evite, your contact person should be your son.

Because then they wouldn't be with us on Thanksgiving. It would just be an everyday dinner party.

OP, I can see why your son avoided talking to you ahead of time - you seem very inflexible and set in your ways. Still, if you're this upset, he's the person you need to talk to. So, I'll ask again:

Why haven't you called your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I called DIL and asked if I could bring anything. She said she'd get back to me, but she doesn't want to use my China.

I asked if this was family only, and she said yes. I mentioned that I'd need to talk to our family friends before I can confirm that my husband and I will be there. She said she'd let me son know.

I'm just so hurt by this

You are not hurt you are pissed because you can't stand to give up control. You might be surprised how nice it is to hand off the reins for once. Or you can continue to feign the unappreciated martyred MIL and make everyone miserable because you want your DIL to fail for daring to challenge your authority. This will result in you becoming estranged from them, over time, and you will be righteous and alone, so it's your call. Based on the absurdity of the China comment you made, they are probably better off without you around.

[Anonymous]

I can't get past the evite. Who uses evite to invite their parents and siblings to Thanksgiving dinner?

And I am on no one's team here, just think that part is so odd.