Reply to Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "Three months after I discover he cheated and this is what he says "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Forgiveness takes a long time.  He didn't just forget your birthday, he betrayed you and betrayed his wedding vows.  He needs to understand this.

You need counselling and, ultimately, decide if you are better off with, or without, him.  Men frequently say, "It meant nothing," but it meant a Hell of a lot to the woman who has been betrayed.   I wish you the best.[/quote]

OP here. I'm very resistant to the idea of divorcing because we have young children. I'm willing to "stick it out" for their sake - I know this is an unpopular approach on DCUM, but it's true. I'm doing my best to focus on myself, on self-care and doing things that make me happy. The relationship is kind of on the back burner for me at the moment - if I start thinking about it too much I just get so upset. It's so much more difficult than I could have imagined. [/quote]

OP, what do you mean by "stick it out"?  Is that stay together for a few years to see if you can put this behind you?  Is that stay together forever even if he cheats on you again?  Is that stay together forever even if you don't ever trust him again?

I stayed with my DH for 2.5 years, while I tried to figure out if he was remorseful, would do therapy, etc.  At every step of the way, DH begged to stay together.  His commitment to the marriage was variable.  He was unable to stop cheating, quit alcohol and stay on medication or consistently participate in psychiatric and psychotherapeutic visits.

Those 2-3 years took a really extreme toll on me.  While I was in it, I thought I was managing the stress well. But, out of it, I realized how much damage I suffered -- to my psyche, my career, my social network, etc.  The damage I suffered also really affected my kids long term.

I also did not realize at the time I made the decision to stay, how much the sexual aspect of the infidelity would damage me.  TBH, my ex's insistence that his sexual need was so important and that I needed to forgive him so that we could recover, felt very rape-y to me.  No, he didn't hold me down and violently rape me.  But, there was so much pressure on me to have sex with him again, that I ended up doing it even though I wasn't comfortable with it.

On the other hand, based on my past experience, I am a firm believer that once you have found out about the cheating, you have every right to draw out the relationship as long as you need to set yourself up for an effective divorce proceeding that protects your financial and custodial future.

Also, it's easy to say that you are staying "for the kids" but the calculation about the benefits and risks to the kids is very complicated,  it's not just "broken" home v. "intact home".   While I stayed with my DH, I realized that my kids were getting all kinds of implicit messages about what's acceptable in relationships.  Even though they didn't know about the infidelity and they were very young, they realized many emotional things going on and often mis-attributed the reasons for those emotions.  I mean, did I really want my kids to learn that "marriage" was where two people were polite to each other but Mommy rarely smiled and flinched when daddy touched her?

In the end, when the spouse is not interested in doing the work of reconciliation and earning back trust, IMO, it is really healthier for all to split.  The only question is what timing works for you. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics