Delivery room question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL needs to understand it's not about her. Simple.

Many women choose to have their partner and their mother in the delivery room, and that's it. Even if it was unusual, it's your decision, but it's not unusual.

+1

It is not about her. Her relationship to you is not the same as your mom's relationship to you. It isn't.

DH needs to shut that down.

[Anonymous]

As the mom of two boys I get where your mil is coming from. Right from the start you have stated your mom is the more important grandmother. Your choice to not want your mil there but don't pretend you aren't sending a clear message to your mil about how you feel she is less important than your mom. This child is 50% your dh's but your mom gets to have 100% the excitement of the moment and mil gets zero. In my case I chose to have neither mother there because I didn't want to send that message. Keep it special to just you and your dh and let both grandmas meet the new bundle of joy at the same time.

[Anonymous]

MIL says (to DH) that she isn't there to watch and she just wants to be part of welcoming her grandchild to the world, same as my mom.

Uh huh. PP had it right that your mother is NOT there to welcome her grandchild (who will have absolutely no memory of the event and couldn't care less). Your mother is there to support YOU. That your MIL is making this about her and her grandchild should be making you rethink your relationship. Boundaries must be established and must be respected! That your DH is waffling on this is just appalling!

I'm so pissed on your behalf (and I last gave birth 11 years ago). Just know that the delivery room staff will bar anyone you don't want in there. You don't have to be angry, you don't have to be yelling, you don't have to throw a fit. You just tell them you only want your DH and your mother in there.

Show this thread to your DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of two boys I get where your mil is coming from. Right from the start you have stated your mom is the more important grandmother. Your choice to not want your mil there but don't pretend you aren't sending a clear message to your mil about how you feel she is less important than your mom. This child is 50% your dh's but your mom gets to have 100% the excitement of the moment and mil gets zero. In my case I chose to have neither mother there because I didn't want to send that message. Keep it special to just you and your dh and let both grandmas meet the new bundle of joy at the same time.

Actually, OP's mom will be there not in her capacity as the baby's grandmother, but as OP's mom. OP's mom was there when OP was born, has changed OP's diapers, bandaged her knees, walked the floor with her at night when OP was a sick baby, supported OP for decades.

If OP wants her mom there it is completely understandable.

[Anonymous]

Your body, your choice. Too bad for her. That is her problem, not yours. If she is so selfish that she feels left out.... that is ridiculous. Giving birth is not a show that requires an audience. Did MIL haven auene when she gave birth? She is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of two boys I get where your mil is coming from. Right from the start you have stated your mom is the more important grandmother. Your choice to not want your mil there but don't pretend you aren't sending a clear message to your mil about how you feel she is less important than your mom. This child is 50% your dh's but your mom gets to have 100% the excitement of the moment and mil gets zero. In my case I chose to have neither mother there because I didn't want to send that message. Keep it special to just you and your dh and let both grandmas meet the new bundle of joy at the same time.

Actually, OP's mom will be there not in her capacity as the baby's grandmother, but as OP's mom. OP's mom was there when OP was born, has changed OP's diapers, bandaged her knees, walked the floor with her at night when OP was a sick baby, supported OP for decades.

If OP wants her mom there it is completely understandable.

Even if op mom is there to support her daughter she still gets the benefit of seeing the baby first. This is huge bragging rights amongst my mom my mil and others in both of their circles. You can justify it in your head any way you want but the fact remains that ops mom reaps the benefits of being the mom not the mil. Is ops mom really going to say ok baby is out I will just wait with everyone else before I see the baby and hold it. Of course not. She will have seen and held that child hours before mil does. Pretending otherwise is foolish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of two boys I get where your mil is coming from. Right from the start you have stated your mom is the more important grandmother. Your choice to not want your mil there but don't pretend you aren't sending a clear message to your mil about how you feel she is less important than your mom. This child is 50% your dh's but your mom gets to have 100% the excitement of the moment and mil gets zero. In my case I chose to have neither mother there because I didn't want to send that message. Keep it special to just you and your dh and let both grandmas meet the new bundle of joy at the same time.

Actually, OP's mom will be there not in her capacity as the baby's grandmother, but as OP's mom. OP's mom was there when OP was born, has changed OP's diapers, bandaged her knees, walked the floor with her at night when OP was a sick baby, supported OP for decades.

If OP wants her mom there it is completely understandable.

Even if op mom is there to support her daughter she still gets the benefit of seeing the baby first. This is huge bragging rights amongst my mom my mil and others in both of their circles. You can justify it in your head any way you want but the fact remains that ops mom reaps the benefits of being the mom not the mil. Is ops mom really going to say ok baby is out I will just wait with everyone else before I see the baby and hold it. Of course not. She will have seen and held that child hours before mil does. Pretending otherwise is foolish.

You sound just as irrational and selfish as OP's MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

MIL says (to DH) that she isn't there to watch and she just wants to be part of welcoming her grandchild to the world, same as my mom.

Uh huh. PP had it right that your mother is NOT there to welcome her grandchild (who will have absolutely no memory of the event and couldn't care less). Your mother is there to support YOU. That your MIL is making this about her and her grandchild should be making you rethink your relationship. Boundaries must be established and must be respected! That your DH is waffling on this is just appalling!

I'm so pissed on your behalf (and I last gave birth 11 years ago). Just know that the delivery room staff will bar anyone you don't want in there. You don't have to be angry, you don't have to be yelling, you don't have to throw a fit. You just tell them you only want your DH and your mother in there.

Show this thread to your DH.

Rest assured OP's mom is not their to support her daughter. She's their to be the first grandparen to see the grandkid and will brag about it the rest of your kid's life. I thought like you and OP , but I was wrong. I shouldn't have had my mom mom in the room.

Your kid's birth is a good time to grow up and top having mommy hold your hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the mom of two boys I get where your mil is coming from. Right from the start you have stated your mom is the more important grandmother. Your choice to not want your mil there but don't pretend you aren't sending a clear message to your mil about how you feel she is less important than your mom. This child is 50% your dh's but your mom gets to have 100% the excitement of the moment and mil gets zero. In my case I chose to have neither mother there because I didn't want to send that message. Keep it special to just you and your dh and let both grandmas meet the new bundle of joy at the same time.

PP who had her mom in the room, and regrets it. I agree with you 100% I happen to have a daughter. It was a mistake for me to invite my mom in the delivery room. It is my opinion now the only ones in should be the parents. Everyone else can wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

MIL says (to DH) that she isn't there to watch and she just wants to be part of welcoming her grandchild to the world, same as my mom.

Uh huh. PP had it right that your mother is NOT there to welcome her grandchild (who will have absolutely no memory of the event and couldn't care less). Your mother is there to support YOU. That your MIL is making this about her and her grandchild should be making you rethink your relationship. Boundaries must be established and must be respected! That your DH is waffling on this is just appalling!

I'm so pissed on your behalf (and I last gave birth 11 years ago). Just know that the delivery room staff will bar anyone you don't want in there. You don't have to be angry, you don't have to be yelling, you don't have to throw a fit. You just tell them you only want your DH and your mother in there.

Show this thread to your DH.

Rest assured OP's mom is not their to support her daughter. She's their to be the first grandparen to see the grandkid and will brag about it the rest of your kid's life. I thought like you and OP , but I was wrong. I shouldn't have had my mom mom in the room.

Your kid's birth is a good time to grow up and top having mommy hold your hand.

Hi, Op here. I understand what you're saying but actually my mom will be there solely as support to me. She used to work as a doula. Also, we are very close and although I have been "an adult, supporting myself, etc." for a long time, she is my best friend and will be a great comfort to me as a soon to be FTM. I'll be honest, I'm pretty nervous about the birthing process and I'm doing it completely unmedicated. And while I feel 100% confident in my decision to use a birth center, all of my friends with babies have been terrifying me with how painful it was. And they all used epidurals!

I think I will ask my DH to read over this thread when he gets home from work tomorrow, and then we can discuss it again what is the best decision for our family. If I decided to take off my clothes and be totally uncovered, I think I would die from embarrassment of my MIL was in the room. She has never done anything bad to me, but we are not close. Even at family gatherings we barely speak, simply because she is kind of a quiet person and my husband is very talkative. So everyone tends to focus on him.

[Anonymous]

Stay strong OP - only you should get to dictate who is present. Yes it's incredible and special but it's also a medical event. You need to go in to it feeling as calm as possible. I knew my DH and mom would get that and listen to what I needed. I knew my MIL would not. She came in 90 minutes after DD was born.

Good luck to you!!!

[Anonymous]

I love my mom and MIL dearly but no way did I want them in the delivery room, and I don't think it even crosses their minds to ask if they could be there. OP just have your husband and medical team. There's really no need for an audience any broader than that.

[Anonymous]

OPs mom is there to support OP during childbirth. So what if she sees the baby before MIL does? Most of the time the baby has the DHs last name. Each "side" wins some and loses some. Being in the room isn't the result of a popularity contest, nor is it a sign of who's more important as a grandparent. MIL needs to back the hell off. DH needs to support OPs decision about who's in the room while OP goes through labor. An unwanted person in the corner is still a distraction. OP, stand firm. Show your husband this thread.

[Anonymous]

This thread has devolved a little bit into MIL bashing which is unfortunate. But I think what people are reacting to is the idea that during labor they should prioritize how MIL feels over the mother being comfortable. Until you've gone through birth - especially an unmedicated birth! - you won't really understand how ridiculous this is.

I think you should say no for the sake of your relationship with your MIL.

If you get gilted into letting her be in the labor and delivery room, it will be really difficult to let go of that resentment later on. Not only is labor difficult, but it's a very vulnerable time - having someone interfere with that because they want a certain kind of "grandmother experience" will taint your relationship with her forever. You say you don't know her very well, don't create a foundation of hurt feelings and anger.

[Anonymous]

A couple things to consider:

* Every woman I know who had an unmedicated birth (myself included) ended up taking off their clothes during labor. I had fully planned to labor in a soft cotton dress, but once labor kicked in, it felt like it was made of poison ivy.

*It is very common to poop when you start pushing. This happened to most of the women I know who had a natural birth (myself included.)

Are you comfortable having your MIL see you walk around the room naked? Are you comfortable with her seeing you poop? If yes, invite her in! For that matter, are you comfortable with your mom seeing this?