Delivery room question

[Anonymous]

It always seems sad to me that the physical process of birth devolves into some tug of war about control in so. Any families. I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

Birth is not a community activity in our culture. The ONLY things you have to worry about is you and yoour baby, and getting through this as safely and comfortably as you can. I'm sorry that you MIL is "hurt", but her hurt feelings have nothing to do with you, or the safety and comfort you experience during labor. So, if you're not comfortable with her there, then the answer is no.

It grates on me that so many people infer themselves into relationships of equivalency when it comes to this kind of thing. Most human beings are closer with their own parents than their in-laws - so it stands to reason that you feel safer and more comfortable with your mother there.

But doesn't your DH have a say? Nope. He is solely there for your safety and comfort too. If something happens to him that he can't make it that day - the show will go on. So, while his preferences should be taken into account and worked around if possible, they aren't final vote.

If y U want to be kind, you could invite MIL afterwards to the birthing center, but that seems moot seeing as you plan to go home right away. I don't understand her meeed to see you in the recovery phase of labor and birth anyway. Would it really not be more enjoyable to see you in the comfort of your home, when you are settled and ready for visitors?

I'm not a women get carte Blanche because they're the pregnant ones person often, but when it comes to this stuff, why should you have to endure the negative feelings vs. the normal healthy adults?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, no way. Remind DH who is doing the work of birth, and, frankly, whose life is on the line when you get down to it. You don't k i.e. how things are going to go--you may not actually give birth at the birth center, it may take way longer than you expect.

You get to pick your support team. It sounds like DH may need a few verbal smacks upside the head to "get it."

[Anonymous]

When did it become standard practice to have more than DH and the medical personnel in the room? My mother was of the mind "we will come after the first week to give you and DH time to form yourselves as a family". DH's parents came about a month later.

[Anonymous]

You're a FTM so there are lots of unknowns about what the birth process will be like.

I also had a natural birth with midwives. Something that surprised me is that when I started pushing, I ripped off all my clothes. The sensory overload of anything touching my skin felt like being strangled. If anyone else had been in the room (aside from DH) I would have screamed at them to leave. It's a very vulnerable time, and the pain is real.

This is not the time to worry about anyone's comfort but your own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your birth experience is more important than the feelings of whoever else wants to be there. You need to feel safe, calm, and relaxed. You should ask your caregivers for advice on what to say, because they get this issue all the time.

I'm a MIL and a former doula, and while I would love to be present if my DIL ever has a baby, there's no way I'd want her to feel pressured to have me or anyone present, if it wasn't what felt good to her. I'd be sad to not be there, but I'm a big girl, and I know the birthing mother's feelings are what matters.

A compromise might be to have MIL wait in the next room, so she could be there, but not THERE in your hooha.

I love your sentiment here, PP, but if I were the OP, I'd be very careful to have the MIL even in the next room if DH isn't absolutely strong enough to tell her no. Given that OP won't be in a place to easily advocate for herself, MiL may be able to work her way into the delivery room. At the very least, MIL might divert attention away from OP by even TRYING to get into the delivery room. OP shouldn't have to worry at all that DH's attention will be diverted from her to deal with MIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It always seems sad to me that the physical process of birth devolves into some tug of war about control in so. Any families. I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

Birth is not a community activity in our culture. The ONLY things you have to worry about is you and yoour baby, and getting through this as safely and comfortably as you can. I'm sorry that you MIL is "hurt", but her hurt feelings have nothing to do with you, or the safety and comfort you experience during labor. So, if you're not comfortable with her there, then the answer is no.

It grates on me that so many people infer themselves into relationships of equivalency when it comes to this kind of thing. Most human beings are closer with their own parents than their in-laws - so it stands to reason that you feel safer and more comfortable with your mother there.

But doesn't your DH have a say? Nope. He is solely there for your safety and comfort too. If something happens to him that he can't make it that day - the show will go on. So, while his preferences should be taken into account and worked around if possible, they aren't final vote.

If y U want to be kind, you could invite MIL afterwards to the birthing center, but that seems moot seeing as you plan to go home right away. I don't understand her meeed to see you in the recovery phase of labor and birth anyway. Would it really not be more enjoyable to see you in the comfort of your home, when you are settled and ready for visitors?

I'm not a women get carte Blanche because they're the pregnant ones person often, but when it comes to this stuff, why should you have to endure the negative feelings vs. the normal healthy adults?

MIL doesn't give a crap about seeing OP; her interest is in being one of the very first people to see the baby, and most specifically, being able to see the baby at the same time as OP's mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not get guilted into this OP. You will be mad about it for the rest of your life.

+1000

This. My ILs were with DH and me while I was laboring while my own mother was at my house watching my older son. As I was laying there with increasing amounts of pain, DH and the ILs chatted about stupid shit and basically forgot I was there. It was like I couldn't even be in pain without feeling embarrassed and impolite. Once DH realized I was really hurting, he sent the ILs out, but MIL kept periodically sticking her head in the doorway so she could see how things were going. When I think about it, I want to punch her in the face and my son is 16.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It always seems sad to me that the physical process of birth devolves into some tug of war about control in so. Any families. I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP.

Birth is not a community activity in our culture. The ONLY things you have to worry about is you and yoour baby, and getting through this as safely and comfortably as you can. I'm sorry that you MIL is "hurt", but her hurt feelings have nothing to do with you, or the safety and comfort you experience during labor. So, if you're not comfortable with her there, then the answer is no.

It grates on me that so many people infer themselves into relationships of equivalency when it comes to this kind of thing. Most human beings are closer with their own parents than their in-laws - so it stands to reason that you feel safer and more comfortable with your mother there.

But doesn't your DH have a say? Nope. He is solely there for your safety and comfort too. If something happens to him that he can't make it that day - the show will go on. So, while his preferences should be taken into account and worked around if possible, they aren't final vote.

If y U want to be kind, you could invite MIL afterwards to the birthing center, but that seems moot seeing as you plan to go home right away. I don't understand her meeed to see you in the recovery phase of labor and birth anyway. Would it really not be more enjoyable to see you in the comfort of your home, when you are settled and ready for visitors?

I'm not a women get carte Blanche because they're the pregnant ones person often, but when it comes to this stuff, why should you have to endure the negative feelings vs. the normal healthy adults?

"MIL doesn't give a crap about seeing OP; her interest is in being one of the very first people to see the baby, and most specifically, being able to see the baby at the same time as OP's mother.

I understand that, and that's why I'm saying it's a control issue that Is very sad.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, you might even end up kicking your own mom out of the room once things get going.

Labor is a very intense time. This is especially true if you're having an unmedicated birth. I get the feeling your MIL is expecting you to be on a hospital bed hooked up to an IV and covered by a hospital gown so she can easily stay north of the equator.

A natural birth is an entirely different story...

This is all about getting to see the baby first. Consider this the first parenting decision you have to make. Put your baby's needs above your MILs wants.

[Anonymous]

I ended up kicking everyone out--husband included.

[Anonymous]

OP - I did not even want my mom and sister in there with me (two unmedicated births). If you are not comfortable, the answer is no way. (And I usually err on the side of the MIL for what at worth.)

[Anonymous]

You and DH that's it.

Adding family members even you mom just sets up the preferred grandparent dynamic.

Think it won't?

My mom crows about being in the delivery room 10 years later.

Save yourself the drama.

Say not to MIL and disinvite your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and DH that's it.

Adding family members even you mom just sets up the preferred grandparent dynamic.

Think it won't?

My mom crows about being in the delivery room 10 years later.

Save yourself the drama.

Say not to MIL and disinvite your mom.

That's excessive. For most people there is a huge difference between your own mother and your mother in law. Your own mother birthed you, changed your diapers, and has seen you at your best and worst and has hopefully been a source of comfort in your life. MIL-DIL relationships don't have that history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and DH that's it.

Adding family members even you mom just sets up the preferred grandparent dynamic.

Think it won't?

My mom crows about being in the delivery room 10 years later.

Save yourself the drama.

Say not to MIL and disinvite your mom.

That's excessive. For most people there is a huge difference between your own mother and your mother in law. Your own mother birthed you, changed your diapers, and has seen you at your best and worst and has hopefully been a source of comfort in your life. MIL-DIL relationships don't have that history.

Yeah that's what thought too and made the mistake of having my mom n the room which s now a source of drama.

My firm opinion now is the only people that need to be in the room are the people that made the baby- mom and dad. Grandma- both grandmas can wait.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I ended up kicking everyone out--husband included.

I'm only 8 weeks, ftm, but I see my own labor like this. Me alone with my medical team. I don't want to hijack this thread, but I'd love to know more about your experience.