Mother in law forces my son to give hugs and kisses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In less there is good reason, then my child knows with specific people, the proper greeting is a hug, kiss and telling them its nice to see them. Maybe teach your child manners?

Not wanting someone to touch your body IS a good reason. There are a multitude of proper greetings that don't involve touching someone. You know, like "Hi, Grandma."

I am NOT saying that OPs MIL is a child molester, but this is classic grooming. Making this child squelch his natural instincts is NOT ok. Making him hug or kiss her (or anyone, for that matter) for a gift is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok... to the people who are saying this is about consent and bodily autonomy, yes, that is EXTREMELY important, but we have to recognize that OP's MIL is not some acquaintance or stranger, she's grandma. I think a lot of people on this board are willing to sacrifice relationships with their MILs for the sake of principles like these, and yes, it is very important to stick with your principles in parenting, but it is also very important to care about relationships and other people's feelings.

OP can very gently suggest to MIL, "Larla, you don't have to worry, give it a few minutes and little Larlo will come to you," and out of sight of MIL she can tell Larlo "You don't have to ever hug someone if you don't want to, but Grandma loves you very much, and that is why she wants hugs and kisses." That's it, that's all I would do, and I would otherwise stay out of it. I cannot see OP handling this in any other way that would not hurt MIL's feelings or blow up in OP's face.

I personally never make my kids hug anyone, if someone wants their affection I tell them "give them a few minutes and they'll warm up to you." When someone gives my child a hug or kiss they don't want they both scream bloody murder, and no toy on this planet will make them hug someone they don't want to hug, but they're both wired that way.

So what you are saying is that when an adult is trying to coerce your child into physical affection, within your child's hearing you reassure the adult that the child will provide said affection in a little while ad just be patient?

It's not the child's obligation to "warm up" to anyone. You are undermining your child's autonomy by reassuring the adult and telling them to wait.

I teach my son to politely greet greats and be friendly by making eye contact and saying "hello." That is kind and polite. Anything else is up to him. And it turns out that he's very affectionate and loving, as OP's child is. But he can pick up on uncomfortable pressure and he knows when he doesn't want to be close to someone. I don't push him if someone is so immature that they try coerce him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...

And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.

You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.

Educate yourself.

Yes. Grandmas who want to hug and cuddle their infant through preschool grandchildren are child molesters and the epitome of all things evil, ESPECIALLY if the one giving affdction to the child happens to be your mother in law.



And we wonder why society is so broken. The women of dcum cannot even manage the most normal and innocent of family structures.

You are such a dumbass. The point is that children need to learn that their body belongs to them, and they don't HAVE to give affection to anyone. It's NICE if they WANT to give grandma a hug, but they don't HAVE to! The point is that they learn to trust their own instincts. Maybe they don't want to hug their uncle for a reason. Do you get it? Maybe they pick up on things that adults may not notice. Yes, of course the majority of grandparents are fine to hug. But the point is that you teach them that they don't owe affection to ANYONE, and that they ALWAYS get to make choices for THEIR BODY.

+1

+2

I had a relative that completely skeeved me out as a child and I could not explain why. Years later, I learned that he had been a pimp. Kids have great instincts!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In less there is good reason, then my child knows with specific people, the proper greeting is a hug, kiss and telling them its nice to see them. Maybe teach your child manners?

Not wanting someone to touch your body IS a good reason. There are a multitude of proper greetings that don't involve touching someone. You know, like "Hi, Grandma."

I am NOT saying that OPs MIL is a child molester, but this is classic grooming. Making this child squelch his natural instincts is NOT ok. Making him hug or kiss her (or anyone, for that matter) for a gift is disgusting.

+1

The person who has bad manners is MIL. Actually, worse than bad manners. And I'm not saying she is a molester, either, but she uses shame, coercion, bribery, and emotional manipulation to extract physical affection out of a reluctant preschooler. It doesn't have to be about his penis to be creepy and wrong. What SHE is doing is wrong and way beyond impolite. Kid is fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...

And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.

You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.

Educate yourself.

Learn to calm your little self down.

Wow. Sexual abuse and dominance didn't happen to you, so it didn't happen to everyone? OK. Wow. I feel sorry for your children.

"I feel sorry for your children." !!! Wasn't that just cited as one of the classic DCUM eye-rollers spouted by posters toodim to think of anything fresh? Haha!

Stop this silly crying. Who cares what you feel? Give grandpa a hug now. NOW! And later, when he tells you to be a good girl and keep a secret about his special game, you better mind him.

[Anonymous]

My grandmother is similar. I hate it. I both tell her that DD would warm up to her more if she didn't tey to force it, and tell DD she doesn't have to give hugs or kisses if she doesn't want to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello from the future (I have teens).

OP, you are right. This is NOT COOL.

Yes, you should say something. No, it won't help your relationship with your MIL.

Kids need to know and learnt that they are in charge of their bodies, and they need models of healthy relationship behaviors. Emotional blackmail, at any age, isn't something that we should ever teach our kids is OK. If your MIL is crying about it, she has more issues than you can fix. Back your DS up. Stand up for him. And, when he's old enough, you may have to explain that just because someone loves you doesn't mean they are good for you. (My kid has, it now turns out, a mentally ill grandparent who, if unchecked, would have done a number on his head).

As another mom of teens I wohld have to disagree with you on a few points.

I suspect from her comments about her son being happy to give affection to "her" parents that OP has very consciously or unconscious created this issue by purposefully or without realizing it creating a power struggle between whether her mom or MIL is the favored grandparent.

Kids aren't stupid and they can easily pick up on who mom wants them to be affectionate towards and who mom wants to keep at arms length

If MIL is crying about this it is probably because she believes on some level that OP is working to drive a wedge between her and her grandkids and she is hurt and disappointed thay OP has tried to create a distant relationship between her and the grandkid she loves.

Be honest ladies. Look objectively at you and your friends relationships with their husband's moms.

This behavior and power struggle happens all the time, and very few DILs are innocent parties.

Don't do this OP. Worl just as hard to create a close and loving relationship between your son and your husband's mom as you would want for you and your son's future children.

Some day you will have a DIL and grandchildren of your own...

No. There is no grey area in what OP described. MIL blackmails child for physical affection with toys at EVERY visit. MIL points, manipulates, even cries in front of child. This is not about a DIL setting up an unequal dynamic. This is about a troubled, needy, emotionally manipulative adult who has no idea how sick she is being or doesn't care.

My own mother was like this in smaller doses...not with the bribery attempts but with pointing and whining and play-crying if she didn't get sufficient physical affection. I had to be very blunt in telling her that her behavior was not okay and that she would either act differently or get much less time with us.

There are HUGE red flags in OP's post. Her child has great instincts and she is right to honor them and protect him. She should absolutely tell MIL to stop this behavior.

Sorry but you are reading to much into this and being a little crazy. The truth os probably somewhere in the middle. Grandma is not trying to groom her grandson so she can molest him.

This is less about child molestations and boundaries and far more about DIL/MIL dynamics and power struggles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Seriously, this is your problem? Is she forcing you to give her a hug and a kiss? No?

Why do you have to interject yourself between grandparents and grandchildren. Let them figure out what works for them.

You... Cupcake.. Are an idiot of the worst kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just stop, OP. Your son is picking up on your attitude which is probably why he's not more affectionate with your MIL.

This. Op and the others are being overly dramatic. It's polite to give a grandparent a hug or a kiss.

[Anonymous]

I dont know abt you guys but Im Asian, I teach my kids to give their grandparents, uncles, aunt (both side) a big hugs whenever they come over.

Its like building a good close knit family relationship.

[JackieTreehorn]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing has been happening since the beginning of time. Somehow we all survived...

And some of us were abused, molested, pressured into sex, or date raped because we were taught to go along, to be "good," to be liked.

You're making a huge leap there, drama queen.

Educate yourself.

Learn to calm your little self down.

Wow. Sexual abuse and dominance didn't happen to you, so it didn't happen to everyone? OK. Wow. I feel sorry for your children.

"I feel sorry for your children." !!! Wasn't that just cited as one of the classic DCUM eye-rollers spouted by posters toodim to think of anything fresh? Haha!

Stop this silly crying. Who cares what you feel? Give grandpa a hug now. NOW! And later, when he tells you to be a good girl and keep a secret about his special game, you better mind him.

Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop, OP. Your son is picking up on your attitude which is probably why he's not more affectionate with your MIL.

This. Op and the others are being overly dramatic. It's polite to give a grandparent a hug or a kiss.

No no no no

It's polite to say "hello how are you it's nice to see you"

Nobody owes anybody physical affection. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok... to the people who are saying this is about consent and bodily autonomy, yes, that is EXTREMELY important, but we have to recognize that OP's MIL is not some acquaintance or stranger, she's grandma. I think a lot of people on this board are willing to sacrifice relationships with their MILs for the sake of principles like these, and yes, it is very important to stick with your principles in parenting, but it is also very important to care about relationships and other people's feelings.

OP can very gently suggest to MIL, "Larla, you don't have to worry, give it a few minutes and little Larlo will come to you," and out of sight of MIL she can tell Larlo "You don't have to ever hug someone if you don't want to, but Grandma loves you very much, and that is why she wants hugs and kisses." That's it, that's all I would do, and I would otherwise stay out of it. I cannot see OP handling this in any other way that would not hurt MIL's feelings or blow up in OP's face.

I personally never make my kids hug anyone, if someone wants their affection I tell them "give them a few minutes and they'll warm up to you." When someone gives my child a hug or kiss they don't want they both scream bloody murder, and no toy on this planet will make them hug someone they don't want to hug, but they're both wired that way.

So what you are saying is that when an adult is trying to coerce your child into physical affection, within your child's hearing you reassure the adult that the child will provide said affection in a little while ad just be patient?

It's not the child's obligation to "warm up" to anyone. You are undermining your child's autonomy by reassuring the adult and telling them to wait.

I teach my son to politely greet greats and be friendly by making eye contact and saying "hello." That is kind and polite. Anything else is up to him. And it turns out that he's very affectionate and loving, as OP's child is. But he can pick up on uncomfortable pressure and he knows when he doesn't want to be close to someone. I don't push him if someone is so immature that they try coerce him.

I am telling OP what I would do in her situation. I think a lot of the pps who are agreeing with her are actually not offering any suggestions for how to handle the situation. Isn't that interesting?

I understand the concerns of the pps, but quite frankly, think they are overblown. Not every interaction a child has is some sort of life-altering event. OP's child is not going to give in to pressure from someone in college to have sex just because he hugged grandma as a child. Do you guys not realize how insane that sounds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just stop, OP. Your son is picking up on your attitude which is probably why he's not more affectionate with your MIL.

This. Op and the others are being overly dramatic. It's polite to give a grandparent a hug or a kiss.

No, it is polite to greet anyone. It doesn't have to include physical contact. I don't care who it is. It is polite as long as BOTH PARTIES (including the child) are willing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dont know abt you guys but Im Asian, I teach my kids to give their grandparents, uncles, aunt (both side) a big hugs whenever they come over.

Its like building a good close knit family relationship.

And for a kid to feel that she is obligated to hug someone can end in molestation. Sadly, I know whereof I speak. My kids can hug, kiss, high five or just say hello. I am Indian FWIW, very close knit, physically affectionate family.