Did you cut your mom out of your life?

[Anonymous]

Yes, I had to drastically limit mine and my son's exposure to my mother. It's for the best. My mother is and has always been a compulsive liar. Her stories are famous in our family and because was my grandfather's favorite child, we were all expected to humor her and never call her out on anything. A lot of the stories are harmless...but some of them aren't...and it's also just insufferable to have to sit there and listen to it. She's also pretty famous for her temper tantrums and drinking. On top of all that, she makes no secret of the fact that she favors my sister and loves to put me down in front of others. So she and I haven't gotten along since I was a teenager.

She calls me petty and controlling for limiting our time with her, claims I'm keeping her from her grandson, etc. But I don't want my son growing up thinking that her behavior is normal or acceptable for adults. So one holiday and year and a nice bouquet on her birthday and Mother's Day is what we do. We see her at family functions occasionally and I'm always as pleasant as possible. One of us has to be adult, right?

[Anonymous]

My mother has picked apart my family poece by piece. It is now destroyed. My spouse and I cut off all contact with her after numerous nasty emails, manipulation and having had to deal with her destuctive, bad behavior. I do not think it is bad for an adult child to cut an emotional vampire out of thier life.
No-one wants to NOT have a parent/mother, however if that parent refuses to respect boundaries there has to be consequences. Maybe just maybe the parent should answer for what she did or is doing and apologize. SINCERELY APOLOGIZING can have a HUGE impact on healing!!!!!
She was not willing to do that-Narcissism at its finest- Oh well her loss!

[Anonymous]

My mother has picked apart my family poece by piece. It is now destroyed. My spouse and I cut off all contact with her after numerous nasty emails, manipulation and having had to deal with her destuctive, bad behavior. I do not think it is bad for an adult child to cut an emotional vampire out of thier life.
No-one wants to NOT have a parent/mother, however if that parent refuses to respect boundaries there has to be consequences. Maybe just maybe the parent should answer for what she did or is doing and apologize. SINCERELY APOLOGIZING can have a HUGE impact on healing!!!!!
She was not willing to do that-Narcissism at its finest- Oh well her loss!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a ton of entitled millennials here picking apart every little slight they perceive from their parents. There are tons of online support groups discussing this current estrangement phenomenon......grandparents being cut off for the stupidest things.

OP, if you want real advice, you will have to explain, otherwise how can you actually expect advIce. The fact that you have blind supporters here only reinforces the syndrome of "My Mom doesn't get me and I'm gonna punish her."

You openly admit you had some argument or something when she was at your house, yet you are dumbfounded that she felt that you snapped at her. You probably DID! In fact, you know you did, but it's her behavior that is on trial and you are ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT CUTTING HER ENTIRELY OUT IF YOUR KIDS' LIFE. For what? You are engaging in revenge tactics. That's a clue more about you than her.

If you do that...it's huge. There better be a really good reason such as drug addiction, sexual divorce, physical...real physical abuse, serious mental illness that is untreated for something so severe. It's cruel and life changing. And you are also punishing your kids.

Check yourself...and try again. Are you in a negative pattern with her? Is there something you are resentful about? Counseling? Therapy?

Getting blind support from a forum where no one knows you or your Mom is immature.
BINGO.

NP here. I'm not a millennial. If a person is toxic to you and causes you ongoing pain, that's a good enough reason to pull back and not interact. And let me be clear: abuse (yes, "real" abuse) doesn't necessarily have to be physical or sexual. Psychological abuse can be incredibly damaging and toxic.

You sound unhinged.

[Anonymous]

Either they are mentally ill and abusive or "good grandparents." You can't have it both ways. This fad of cutting yourself off from the "toxic" family that raised and educated you is pure entitlement. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

I cut mine off completely. My only regret is that I waited as long as I did. I should have cut her off when I was pregnant so that she wouldn't get a chance to re-start the cycle of drama and abuse and manipulation. Instead I tried to set the kinds of boundaries described here, maintaining some kind of relationship for the kids until I had tweens who were old enough to understand what a monster she is.

Here's the thing: your abusive parent isn't a wonderful grandmother. She's the same awful person who hurt you and she *will* hurt your kids - either directly or by treating you feel terribly in front of them and confusing them.

If your kids are young and she buys them things or dotes on them that does not mean she isn't the same person who she always was. And she's a ticking time bomb.

I'm not a millennial, incidentally. I'm a teacher and a nurturing one at that.

You'll always get trashed on this board for cutting off abusive people. That's why abuse persists -- so many apologists.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

My mother was an addict who stole narcotics out of my house. She overdosed on Oxycontin repeatedly, requiring emergency room visits and ICU stays. She sold Oxycontin to my brother's friend and the kid (25 years old) wrapped his truck around a tree. She stole my identity and ran up credit cards in my name. She wasn't allowed to watch my children alone, but she hustled my babysitter into letting her stay with the children alone and then lied about it.

When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at age 38, she told me to stop being such a baby. That was it. I was done.

She died in a car accident two years later. She killed the passenger in the other car. I had an enormous mess to clean up with her estate, and that took another two years.

I am not sorry.

I'm very sorry for you PP. I belong to a toxic family and this just really struck a chord in me. I hope you're at peace with your life now.

[Anonymous]

Yes I did. No regrets. Other people realized that and treated me better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either they are mentally ill and abusive or "good grandparents." You can't have it both ways. This fad of cutting yourself off from the "toxic" family that raised and educated you is pure entitlement. Grow up.

I half wonder if you are either (a) someone toxic who has been cut off and is bitter or (b) someone who has kept toxic people in her life and feels the need to shame others for not putting up with that in order to validate her own decision to suffer through.

Shaming people who want to cut ties with abusers is pretty despicable. Abuse isn't always physical.

I'm not saying OP should or should not cut her mother out of her life. I'm saying that no one should keep a toxic person in his/her life just because that person is a parent (or a sibling or a relative).

The key is that it shouldn't be about revenge or anger or punishment. You aren't trying to punish the person. It should be about establishing the boundaries you need to live a healthy life.

Most people who cut a parent out of his or her life isn't doing it to punish the parent. They're doing it to stay sane. They're doing it so that they themselves can be their best.

[Anonymous]

*aren't doing it, not isn't doing it (in the last sentence).

[Anonymous]

OP - I cut my parents off. No sexual abuse, but a lot of verbal abuse, emotional neglect and little insidious mind fuck games by my mother that makes your story ring a bell. Doesn't have to be obvious to outsiders or trolls to be true to you - you know that bitch is fucking with you and it comes from a place of spite and a desire to tear you down. That's all you need to know. Get her out of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a ton of entitled millennials here picking apart every little slight they perceive from their parents. There are tons of online support groups discussing this current estrangement phenomenon......grandparents being cut off for the stupidest things.

OP, if you want real advice, you will have to explain, otherwise how can you actually expect advIce. The fact that you have blind supporters here only reinforces the syndrome of "My Mom doesn't get me and I'm gonna punish her."

You openly admit you had some argument or something when she was at your house, yet you are dumbfounded that she felt that you snapped at her. You probably DID! In fact, you know you did, but it's her behavior that is on trial and you are ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT CUTTING HER ENTIRELY OUT IF YOUR KIDS' LIFE. For what? You are engaging in revenge tactics. That's a clue more about you than her.

If you do that...it's huge. There better be a really good reason such as drug addiction, sexual divorce, physical...real physical abuse, serious mental illness that is untreated for something so severe. It's cruel and life changing. And you are also punishing your kids.

Check yourself...and try again. Are you in a negative pattern with her? Is there something you are resentful about? Counseling? Therapy?

Getting blind support from a forum where no one knows you or your Mom is immature.
BINGO.

Not OP, but I am not a millenial. I'm 50, unless that qualifies!

In fact, I doubt as many millenials have these problems, younger parents tend to be a bit more flexible unless they grew up poor or without much emotional support.

I did not cut off contact. Called her biweekly and saw Mom about 3 times a year. My stress levels went through the roof because she became more emotionally abusive as she became older. The worst was when she was ill and near death. On the plus side, as a result I don't miss her as much as most people would miss their mother. Just feel very sad when I see other mothers and daughters getting along. I know I gave it a shot.

OP, you could go very low contact (much lower than I did) and give it a shot. If she is abusive, therapy or confronting her is not going to help. You will be blamed instead. Best to taper contact off to the the level you want, see how your mom reacts, and take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Wow. Lots of damage on this board. Are y'all inbreads from W Virginia or something. This is Deliverance ha-ha.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Lots of damage on this board. Are y'all inbreads from W Virginia or something. This is Deliverance ha-ha.

Inbreads? Sounds delicious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Either they are mentally ill and abusive or "good grandparents." You can't have it both ways. This fad of cutting yourself off from the "toxic" family that raised and educated you is pure entitlement. Grow up.

You know who tries to minimize the impact of abuse and tell victims they should remain in contact? Abusers. You're a sick person.