Did you cut your mom out of your life?

[Anonymous]

Do you have any regrets? What's it been like to be motherless by choice?

My mom was abusive during my childhood, both emotional and physical. She denies it and we all pretend none of it happened. She still snaps and yells at times and still says things to hurt me and pretends she has no idea why I'm upset. She visited us a couple weeks ago and we had a nice time. There were little blow ups but that is normal for us. She went back home and told my SIL that she was feeling depressed because I snapped at her all weekend. I don't know why she would say something like that. I feel like it's the straw that broke the camel's back. I just don't need her negativity in my life. She's a good grandmother but my kids will still have my MIL.

[Anonymous]

I didn't cut her out, but maintain very low-contact. We speak on the phone 2-4 times a year and see each other once a year, for about a week. It's all I can handle.

[Anonymous]

Explain more about what physical and emotional abuse mean. She denies it....did it happen or not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Explain more about what physical and emotional abuse mean. She denies it....did it happen or not?

I don't feel like going into it. Yes, it happened. She denies it like many abusers do. You can either choose to believe me or not.

[Anonymous]

Not me, but my DH has cut my MIL back to the bare minimum. She's mentally ill and refuses to see a therapist or psychologist, and it was a tough childhood for him. (I think she's undiagnosed bipolar, but she at least suffers from recurring and significant depression.) basically, they visit once a year and talk on the phone once a month or so. We never go to them.

It makes me kind of sad, to be honest, but I didn't have to grow up with her and try to support DH's choices. He has talked about cutting her off entirely, but has never pulled the trigger. I'm glad he hasn't; I'm afraid she'd actually commit suicide. And DH definitely doesn't need that.

The kids are young and don't really follow, obviously. Or even notice her bizarre behavior. They know Granma and Granpa come to visit once a year and send them tons of presents. It works out for now. Those visits are tough, but DH has decided he can put up with it once/year.

[Anonymous]

I have not cut my mom out of my life, but my mother is a lot like yours.

My advice based on what you describe is to emotionally disconnect from her completely and embark on a civil and cordial relationship. She's some lady you know who comes to visit you and your kids once a year. Whatever she says to you or your SIL, it doesn't really matter because she should have zero influence over your emotions. Don't think about her when she's not around. Don't share intimate details with her. Just keep it very superficial.

I have done this with my mom and I'm fine with our status quo. I feel I have an obligation to her in some sense because she raised me and it doesn't go much beyond that for me. So I fulfill my obligation to her and don't think about her much beyond that. And when she says crappy/delusional stuff, I honestly don't give a shit. Who cares. Only you have the power to let it bother you.

My advice (and my own actions) would be different if there weren't kids involved. If you can manage it, I believe it's worthwhile to preserve the grandparent relationship so the kids have a sense of family history and know where they came from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have any regrets? What's it been like to be motherless by choice?

My mom was abusive during my childhood, both emotional and physical. She denies it and we all pretend none of it happened. She still snaps and yells at times and still says things to hurt me and pretends she has no idea why I'm upset. She visited us a couple weeks ago and we had a nice time. There were little blow ups but that is normal for us. She went back home and told my SIL that she was feeling depressed because I snapped at her all weekend. I don't know why she would say something like that. I feel like it's the straw that broke the camel's back. I just don't need her negativity in my life. She's a good grandmother but my kids will still have my MIL.

^Based on this, no I would not cut my mother out of my life. Don't deprive your children of a good grandmother and yourself of a mother. Keep your emotional distance, but don't cut her out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not cut my mom out of my life, but my mother is a lot like yours.

My advice based on what you describe is to emotionally disconnect from her completely and embark on a civil and cordial relationship. She's some lady you know who comes to visit you and your kids once a year. Whatever she says to you or your SIL, it doesn't really matter because she should have zero influence over your emotions. Don't think about her when she's not around. Don't share intimate details with her. Just keep it very superficial.

I have done this with my mom and I'm fine with our status quo. I feel I have an obligation to her in some sense because she raised me and it doesn't go much beyond that for me. So I fulfill my obligation to her and don't think about her much beyond that. And when she says crappy/delusional stuff, I honestly don't give a shit. Who cares. Only you have the power to let it bother you.

My advice (and my own actions) would be different if there weren't kids involved. If you can manage it, I believe it's worthwhile to preserve the grandparent relationship so the kids have a sense of family history and know where they came from.

+1. This is great advice. I wish I could have done this with my own mom. She is superbly insane, but I still miss her every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not cut my mom out of my life, but my mother is a lot like yours.

My advice based on what you describe is to emotionally disconnect from her completely and embark on a civil and cordial relationship. She's some lady you know who comes to visit you and your kids once a year. Whatever she says to you or your SIL, it doesn't really matter because she should have zero influence over your emotions. Don't think about her when she's not around. Don't share intimate details with her. Just keep it very superficial.

I have done this with my mom and I'm fine with our status quo. I feel I have an obligation to her in some sense because she raised me and it doesn't go much beyond that for me. So I fulfill my obligation to her and don't think about her much beyond that. And when she says crappy/delusional stuff, I honestly don't give a shit. Who cares. Only you have the power to let it bother you.

My advice (and my own actions) would be different if there weren't kids involved. If you can manage it, I believe it's worthwhile to preserve the grandparent relationship so the kids have a sense of family history and know where they came from.

Thank you to all the PPs for your responses.

I think this will be my goal, though it will be hard.

[Anonymous]

I didn't cut off all contact with my mother. This was after trying to get her to respect boundaries, trying to go to therapy with her and trying to have very light contact. None if those things worked to improve the situation.

I have no regrets. It was harder at first but not at all now. I'm happier and my kids have the benefit of a happier mom with no family drama. My mother was also abusive to me and I realized I just didn't trust her with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Pp here - should say I DID cut off all contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Explain more about what physical and emotional abuse mean. She denies it....did it happen or not?

I don't feel like going into it. Yes, it happened. She denies it like many abusers do. You can either choose to believe me or not.

OK, I will chose not to. My guess is you are blowing things out if proportion .

[Anonymous]

I think there are a ton of entitled millennials here picking apart every little slight they perceive from their parents. There are tons of online support groups discussing this current estrangement phenomenon......grandparents being cut off for the stupidest things.

OP, if you want real advice, you will have to explain, otherwise how can you actually expect advIce. The fact that you have blind supporters here only reinforces the syndrome of "My Mom doesn't get me and I'm gonna punish her."

You openly admit you had some argument or something when she was at your house, yet you are dumbfounded that she felt that you snapped at her. You probably DID! In fact, you know you did, but it's her behavior that is on trial and you are ACTUALLY TALKING ABOUT CUTTING HER ENTIRELY OUT IF YOUR KIDS' LIFE. For what? You are engaging in revenge tactics. That's a clue more about you than her.

If you do that...it's huge. There better be a really good reason such as drug addiction, sexual divorce, physical...real physical abuse, serious mental illness that is untreated for something so severe. It's cruel and life changing. And you are also punishing your kids.

Check yourself...and try again. Are you in a negative pattern with her? Is there something you are resentful about? Counseling? Therapy?

Getting blind support from a forum where no one knows you or your Mom is immature.
BINGO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not cut my mom out of my life, but my mother is a lot like yours.

My advice based on what you describe is to emotionally disconnect from her completely and embark on a civil and cordial relationship. She's some lady you know who comes to visit you and your kids once a year. Whatever she says to you or your SIL, it doesn't really matter because she should have zero influence over your emotions. Don't think about her when she's not around. Don't share intimate details with her. Just keep it very superficial.

I have done this with my mom and I'm fine with our status quo. I feel I have an obligation to her in some sense because she raised me and it doesn't go much beyond that for me. So I fulfill my obligation to her and don't think about her much beyond that. And when she says crappy/delusional stuff, I honestly don't give a shit. Who cares. Only you have the power to let it bother you.

My advice (and my own actions) would be different if there weren't kids involved. If you can manage it, I believe it's worthwhile to preserve the grandparent relationship so the kids have a sense of family history and know where they came from.

When you say your Mom is just like hers...what are you referring to? OP never said, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't cut off all contact with my mother. This was after trying to get her to respect boundaries, trying to go to therapy with her and trying to have very light contact. None if those things worked to improve the situation.

I have no regrets. It was harder at first but not at all now. I'm happier and my kids have the benefit of a happier mom with no family drama. My mother was also abusive to me and I realized I just didn't trust her with my kids.

OP has no issue with her mother and her kids, as she states. In fact, she indicates that her mother is a good grandmother!