normal sex play or not? and how to talk to other parent about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't find the specific acts to be that disturbing and explored similar things with other boys at that age, despite none of the kids involved having been abused (to the best of my knowledge).

What I do find worrying is that the other boy seemed very focused on it while your son was indicating discomfort. It doesn't sound like mutual curiosity.

plus 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I played doctor with an opposite sex friend at that age. It seemed normal. The anus thing is the weird part. I don't think kids are usually interested in anal sex or sodomy. It's the gross thing for kids.

Do any of you have preschool boys? Our 3 boys are the worst combination of gross, uninhibited and curious at ages 1,3 and 5 respectively, and at one point were doing "sword fights" without swords in the tub while one kept score. Farting on each other is an expression of love, and so is calling out excitedly from the bathroom when they make a particular long poop, or one that is shaped like a letter (it's usually "S". Obviously). Naked wrestling matches are so much more fun than with clothes on for these 3.

With that being said, I do agree it's a completely different thing for an unrelated boy that doesn't share that level of closeness to do those things.

I have preschool boys. They might talk about poop or point out that the other one has a penis, but I can assure you no one is hiding in a closet and sticking their fingers up the other ones butt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All of these "this seems normal, my kids look at each other's ding dongs" never seem to mention the kids STICKING THEIR HAND UP EACH OTHER'S BUTT.

Naked wrestling with your brothers, normal
having some kid trap you in a closet so he can kiss you and anally probe you, NOT NORMAL

Yeah, this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I dont' think its normal either. My concern would be whether or not confronting the other mom will backfire on you. It sounds like there is a chance it could danger your friendship with her and her family. It's a tough situation, but it sounds like you need to decide whether its worth it to speak up.

If you decided you don't want to be the person to discuss this with the other mom, then I would definitely create some space between the boys. Limited, supervised playdates. Create rules where they are not allowed to be alone unsupervised.. and keep their time together short. If it were me, that's probably what I would do. It may seem passive aggressive, but it could become very uncomfortable and sour relationships, (possibly reputations if this other mom takes it personally and wants revenge).. sorry this happened..

The friendship be damned. Your child's safety comes first. Always. Always. Always. It is absolutely worth it to speak up. Just make the message as caring and concerned as possible for Alex while being direct.

+1 Exactly. This is not normal behavior at all and you should tell the mother, she needs to know because it's clear that this little boy has some issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you guys so much. I knew this wasn't normal, husband didn't think it was either, but I was scared maybe it was I and shouldn't worry mom with my overreaction.

First pp, I'm not sure if my son even said no to know if it was respected or not. And now I don't want to keep bringing it up to refresh it in his mind. :/

Do you think I should wait until her husband is home, which is a couple weeks, so as not to give her additional stress? I don't want to push her over the edge with worry, but I also feel like addressing it now might not make it seem like it's totally the worst thing in the world.

I don't think you need to wait. If it was my child, I'd want to know.

This! Please tell the other mother. We had a little girl come over to our house for a play date a few years ago, who talked my daughter into basically playing striptease while the other one filmed them on an iPad, something like girls gone wild. I was horrified when I saw it. We called the other mother. It turned out the girls older brother's friends had taught a 7 yr old how to do that, and one had been touching her. Who knows how much longer it would have been going on if we hadn't said anything. The other mother was very grateful.

Our neighbors used to play strip club with the girls on the other side of them from us. There was no molestation involved. There was plenty of activity like this among all the kids in my neighborhood growing up. We had way less supervision than kids today have. I really don't think there's anything wrong with it, and I don't think it's in any way damaging to kids to do this kind of thing with each other.

The problem is when one person is older -- old enough to get sexual gratification from it. That's the issue. Not sexual play among kids.

[Anonymous]

I think there are a few pervs on this board acting like this play is normal, it is not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a few pervs on this board acting like this play is normal, it is not.

A wide variety of sexual play seems to be normal among groups of kids, ranging from no exploration to playing doctor, to mimicking kissing, etc. Heck, I even caught my own daughter when she was a young toddler who had never yet been left unsupervised with anyone other than myself or her aunt, trying to stick something in her own rear end... when I asked her why, she told me she thought it might feel good. I'm nearly 100% certain that she had not been abused or exposed to inappropriate material. There really does just seem to be a range of what is normal curiosity. It may not be an acceptable way for kids to play, but I think such it only really becomes a problem or cause for concern when either,

There is a wide age difference (and thus a potential for a perceived power imbalance with the younger kids, meaning it is not merely innocent mutual curiosity), or

Anyone is being pressured or having their discomfort/refusal to participate ignored.

[Anonymous]

I think this whole post is totally bogus. No 5 year old uses the words wee wee and poo poo

[Anonymous]

The other little boy may have been abused by someone older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there are a few pervs on this board acting like this play is normal, it is not.

And here we see why even 5 year olds can figure out to keep this stuff secret from their mothers. . .

[Anonymous]

We had something similar back when DS was about four? Long story short. The other kid was a couple years older and told mine he'd give him a sword if he sucked his peepee. The worst part was the other kid's mom refused to talk about it and in complete denial that this could happen. Tough scary time.

[Anonymous]

Don't wait to talk to the other mom. If the younger or older boy are being abused by an adult, it could be a family member, so I don't see the advantage in waiting until the husband is back. The sooner she can deal with it, the better. (Though as a survivor of abuse myself, I realize it's at least as likely that she will deny it entirely, in which case if you really feel the boy is being abused, I think you should consider notifying CPS. I wish someone had realized what was going on at my house when I was a kid.)

[Anonymous]

I agree with other PPs. It's not even the acts themselves (although the "hand in the butt" is certainly more concerning). It's the persistence, the secretiveness, the reactions and certainly the other red flags in the family you observed.

Definitely do two things-- 1) talk to the mom and 2) TRY not to freak your own kid out about this. Definitely reinforce that we don't do these things, but try to keep it on the level of other things we don't allow... while also bringing up bodily autonomy, private parts, etc in unrelated discussions. Just don't want him to feel like damaged goods or that this is something so shameful (esp on his own part) that he should avoid telling you about it lest he "get in trouble" or upset you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with other PPs. It's not even the acts themselves (although the "hand in the butt" is certainly more concerning). It's the persistence, the secretiveness, the reactions and certainly the other red flags in the family you observed.

Definitely do two things-- 1) talk to the mom and 2) TRY not to freak your own kid out about this. Definitely reinforce that we don't do these things, but try to keep it on the level of other things we don't allow... while also bringing up bodily autonomy, private parts, etc in unrelated discussions. Just don't want him to feel like damaged goods or that this is something so shameful (esp on his own part) that he should avoid telling you about it lest he "get in trouble" or upset you.

+1

My concern is that this seemed persistent and predatory (I know that is a strong word for a child). The majority of what happened is normal (the kissing, show me yours/I'll show you mine...not so much the anal stuff). No one that is six years old comes up with this by themselves. He may just be seeing some inappropriate material on his brother's phone/computer, BUT it could also be much worse than that.

The last thing you need to be concerned about right now is your friendship with this family. The children's (yours first and foremost) well-being needs to be your first priority.

[Anonymous]

You need to tell the mother, in a neutral but concerned way. She needs to know this and be on the lookout for signs of abuse in her children, and the source.
Good luck Op! Not an easy conversation, but this is one of those life situations where you have to suck it up and be brave. You can't be a wimp here and let it slide/just take care of your own kid. You have got to tell the mother, her 6 and 13 year old need you to tell her.