normal sex play or not? and how to talk to other parent about it

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06/06/2016 14:31

Subject: normal sex play or not? and how to talk to other parent about it

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Anonymous

Due to some weird sexual things when I was a kid, sometimes I wonder if I'm hypersensitive to normal kid's play. I've got 2 adult children, but am still not sure how much exploration is normal and when it's over the top. I preface with this, because I want to make it clear I know I may be biased and might need a reality check. I have no fear of anyone I know reading this, so I'm going to give a lot of detail so everything is here for you to evaluate. I apologize in advance for the length, not sure how to condense.

As a favor to a friend, we kept her son overnight this weekend. The other boy, Alex, is 6 and a rising 1st grader, my son, Freddy is 5, going into kinder. Freddy is the only child at home, while Alex lives with his 11 year old sister and 13 year old brother.

It was a busy weekend, full of events and guests. Alex got here Saturday morning, right before a party started. We were surrounded by people, playing games and in the pool, until late afternoon, when everyone cleared out and it was just the two boys and husband and myself with a couple of hours of downtime. I noticed Alex kept asking Freddy to go play in the garage or the closet. I heard him whispering and asking Freddy to go out 2-3 times, but I kept redirecting because we were in a hurry to clean up the toys, get cleaned up, eat dinner and get to another event by early evening. I found them in the closet playing "wax museum" and Alex acted worried, I assumed because he was in my closet. I brought them out to help pick up, but then a little later, I found them out in the garage. Again Alex acted worried, but I guessed he was scared to get in trouble for playing with my husband's weight bench. I didn't notice anything weird about how Freddy was acting either time.

Both boys fell asleep on the way home from the event, and slept through the next morning. We all get up, husband leaves an event, the boys and I get dressed and go to church, then go to lunch and get home around 2. It's still just me and boys at this point. I heard Alex asking Freddy to go play wax museum in the closet again. I put a movie on and we all sit together to watch it. Alex keeps asking Freddy to go play wax museum, but my son, who loves movies, demanded he was going to watch it and didn't want to go play with Alex. At this point, I am a little on alert because Alex wants to keep going off unsupervised, but obviously I wasn't on alert enough. About half way into the movie, the boys come running in to the living room and I wake up, having fallen asleep on the recliner.
Freddy's laughing and comes over to me and says: me and Alex kissed, hahahhaa
Me: what are you talking about? (not in a mean voice, but like a playful what do you think you're doing voice)
Freddy: Alex wanted to kiss, so we kissed. He told me not to tell you, but it's so funny."
I remain calm, but all the sudden all the sneakiness flashes in to my mind. I just sort of brush it off saying: well, first of all, ewwwww. Next, remember we don't kiss anyone but our mommies? And next, thank you for not keeping any secrets and telling me! Alex is acting very scared this entire time, so I drop it and we all start watching the movie again. I should have let it go there, but all I can think of is Alex trying to sneak Freddy away all weekend, and my mind is very active, so I dive back in.

Me: Guys, I can't believe that happened, you know we only kiss our moms and dads and we keep our hands to ourselves. You both know that, right?
both: yes
Me: so why did this happen?
Freddy: Well, Alex just wanted to so we did.
Alex: (is being totally silent and uncomfortable)
Me to Alex in a kind, but lecturing tone of voice: Alex, why would you want to do this? You know you can only kiss your mama. Who taught you this? (At this point, I can only think of his older brother.)
Alex: I don't know. (He starts to say something, but stops.) I don't know.
Me: Ok, well, let's never do this again, ok?
both: ok

I drop it, and Alex's mom comes about 1/2 hour later, and we chat for about 1/2 hour. As she is leaving, my husband gets home. I tell him everything that's happened and we all just hang out for awhile. An hour later or so, we all go to the pool. In front of Freddy, I tell my husband, "so, you won't believe the weird thing that happened today, Freddy, why don't you tell dad." Freddy says "me and Alex kissed" and pretty much restates the story. Of course, now, he's embarrassed, probably because he's picked up that I'm a little freaked out and that he has to tell his dad. I make it seem like not a huge deal, but try to stress the no touching rules. At some point, I must have asked "well, what other weird things did Alex want to play". Freddy tells us "well, he got mad because I wouldn't go take a nap with him, so we stopped playing". Ok, so that's now another weird thing, because earlier I'd threatened to make them take a nap if they didn't stop goofing off and eat their lunch, and they both reacted the way any 5 year old would - "oh, no way are we taking a nap, let's hurry up and do what she says!". I think we just let it all die at around that point. Hubby and I hadn't decided whether to tell other mom or not, but in retrospect, I feel we were probably leaning towards not.

Well, then this morning, I learned much more, and now, I'm thinking there is no way all this is normal and I need to call the other mom. I'm not sure how much detail to put on here, as I don't want to fuel any pervs, yet on the other hand, I feel you need to know how involved this is - so I will only enter the highlights:

Freddy says to me out of the blue: Alex's wee wee is bigger than mine.
me: how the heck do you know that?
Freddy: Well, Alex always wanted to see my wee wee. He wanted to take my wee wee out.
me: How did he do that?
Freddy: He pulled down my swimming trunks.
Me: oh really, and what did you do? Did you also touch him?
Freddy: He pulled out my wee wee and wanted me to pull his out. He told me to put my hands in his butt. In the crack part.
Me: Well, that's gross. You know that's where we make poo poo.
Freddy: He said if I put my hand like this I will touch poo poo, but if I put my hand like this I won't touch poo poo.
Me: Did he put his hand in your butt?
Freddy: Yes.
Me: Oh, I'm sorry that happened. Did it hurt?
Freddy: Yes, sort of.
Me: Ok, that's because things shouldn't go in there. I'm really really sorry that happened to you. Why do you think this happened and how can we make it not happen again?
Freddy: I told Alex I want to play wax museum, but not with potty stuff. (He then goes on to tell me Wax Museum rules and how a mutual church playmate played with different rules.)
Me: I start the whole your body/bad touch conversation again.

So, just writing all that out, I know it's not normal, right? This is much more than just normal play?! I'm so pissed at myself for letting it happen on my watch. I'm pissed that I let them get away/alone. I pissed that my little boy isn't "innocent" anymore. I'm embarrassed that I let this happen to another person's son. I'm worried my son is going to go to day care and tell everyone "hey, I put my hands in someone's butt". I have no idea where to go from here. Do I drop it, do I beat this dead horse for more detail? I assume I have to call the other mom. How do I do it without accusing. Ok, yes, I do think her son instigated all of it. My mind is screaming "your little effer abused my son!", but my voice of reason is saying, don't make accusations, because even if it was all her son, he's just a kid that learned this somewhere himself.

We haven't spent a ton of time together, as they are so busy, but the few times we have, we enjoy their family tremendously. We are from the US, neither she nor her husband are US citizens. Her culture is very forthcoming and blunt, so I feel like she can take 100% honesty. But on the other hand, I know she's very protective of Alex. (She says she knows her son is no angel, but it seems she really doesn't believe he does much wrong. For instance, the other day at the park, Freddy climbed over a fence to pick up a toy. Freddy then threw it back over the fence a couple times so Alex and another boy could go over the fence too. She didn't believe Alex went over the fence and just scoffed and said "oh, no way he did that". Another friend mentioned seeing both boys go over the fence a couple of days later, so it did happen. It's not a huge deal, but just seeing her reaction to that makes me think there's no way she'll be accepting of this.)

Plus, the other mom so much stress going on in her life - husband is gone for a 3 months at a time, then home for a month or so. While he's gone, she's got 3 active kids on her own. The oldest son is having drastic mood swings and anger issues. He's also violent towards the other two kids and causing her lots of stress. She admitted to me just last week that she's afraid of leaving him alone with the younger kids. At the time, I assumed due to violence, now I wonder if she's afraid he's going to molest them. I don't want to pile on her, but she has to know all this, correct? Just in case? How to I tell her all this? How is my reaction - over the top or not? What do I do? Does Freddy need to talk to anyone, or have I handled this ok and we're done on our side? I can accept if I'm wrong in any way, but please, please don't be snarky and mean because I don't think I can take it right now.