normal sex play or not? and how to talk to other parent about it

[Anonymous]

I played doctor with an opposite sex friend at that age. It seemed normal. The anus thing is the weird part. I don't think kids are usually interested in anal sex or sodomy. It's the gross thing for kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't find the specific acts to be that disturbing and explored similar things with other boys at that age, despite none of the kids involved having been abused (to the best of my knowledge).

What I do find worrying is that the other boy seemed very focused on it while your son was indicating discomfort. It doesn't sound like mutual curiosity.

Alex stick his hands in Freddy's anus and you don't find that unusual?

Correct. I don't think its unusual for young boys to be curious about bodies and to explore their own and their friends. They don't ascribe the same sexual significance to it as we do, because they are ignorant about their meaning. But they do keep it secret, because they pick up early on that there's something different about private parts that adults don't like to talk about. I can easily imagine two boys at a sleepover daring each other to stick their fingers up each others butts out of curiosity then nervously laughing about it and agreeing not to tell mom. In that scenario, I wouldn't have any concern.

What seems different here is that: (1) one boy seemed much more fixated on it than the other; (2) one boy seemed to have resisted and expressed displeasure and the other boy still pushed forward; (3) the affected boy apparently was concerned enough about it that he decided to tell his parent instead of either forgetting about it or keeping it secret.

[Anonymous]

OP I dont' think its normal either. My concern would be whether or not confronting the other mom will backfire on you. It sounds like there is a chance it could danger your friendship with her and her family. It's a tough situation, but it sounds like you need to decide whether its worth it to speak up.

If you decided you don't want to be the person to discuss this with the other mom, then I would definitely create some space between the boys. Limited, supervised playdates. Create rules where they are not allowed to be alone unsupervised.. and keep their time together short. If it were me, that's probably what I would do. It may seem passive aggressive, but it could become very uncomfortable and sour relationships, (possibly reputations if this other mom takes it personally and wants revenge).. sorry this happened..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I actually don't find the specific acts to be that disturbing and explored similar things with other boys at that age, despite none of the kids involved having been abused (to the best of my knowledge).

What I do find worrying is that the other boy seemed very focused on it while your son was indicating discomfort. It doesn't sound like mutual curiosity.

Alex stick his hands in Freddy's anus and you don't find that unusual?

Correct. I don't think its unusual for young boys to be curious about bodies and to explore their own and their friends. They don't ascribe the same sexual significance to it as we do, because they are ignorant about their meaning. But they do keep it secret, because they pick up early on that there's something different about private parts that adults don't like to talk about. I can easily imagine two boys at a sleepover daring each other to stick their fingers up each others butts out of curiosity then nervously laughing about it and agreeing not to tell mom. In that scenario, I wouldn't have any concern.

What seems different here is that: (1) one boy seemed much more fixated on it than the other; (2) one boy seemed to have resisted and expressed displeasure and the other boy still pushed forward; (3) the affected boy apparently was concerned enough about it that he decided to tell his parent instead of either forgetting about it or keeping it secret.

+1 First of all, good for you OP that you have cultivated a relationship with your son that allows him to reveal things to you. Keep it up. None of us would take all the right steps in this situation, so don't allow your worry that you'll handle it wrong prevent you from handling it at all. In addition to what PP has listed as 1, 2, 3, I'd also say that you observing how consistently Alex tried to get your son alone is telling. Add to that your observation, PP how Alex seemed "worried" or concerned by everything. By the way, is this "wax museum" game a normal thing for kids these days? Or is it something Alex picked up from somewhere (probably the person who may have abused him)? Agree that you simply cannot allow your son to play with Alex anymore, but make it very clear to your friend (his mom) that you don't think Alex is "bad," just that he is struggling with something and you need to know that he's getting help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I dont' think its normal either. My concern would be whether or not confronting the other mom will backfire on you. It sounds like there is a chance it could danger your friendship with her and her family. It's a tough situation, but it sounds like you need to decide whether its worth it to speak up.

If you decided you don't want to be the person to discuss this with the other mom, then I would definitely create some space between the boys. Limited, supervised playdates. Create rules where they are not allowed to be alone unsupervised.. and keep their time together short. If it were me, that's probably what I would do. It may seem passive aggressive, but it could become very uncomfortable and sour relationships, (possibly reputations if this other mom takes it personally and wants revenge).. sorry this happened..

The friendship be damned. Your child's safety comes first. Always. Always. Always. It is absolutely worth it to speak up. Just make the message as caring and concerned as possible for Alex while being direct.

[Anonymous]

Tell Alex's mom what happened and soon. also, don't have any more play dates with Alex and Freddie anywhere.

That's horrible. Hopefully it was innocent, but it doesn't sound like it.

[Anonymous]

Not normal. The kissing, I wouldn't be concerned about - LOTS of kids try that because they've seen it on tv or something. Everything else? HUGE RED FLAG.

[Anonymous]

My son had a few pseudo-sexual encounters with our neighbor's older son. (He made my then 3.5 year old take off his clothes. He was clearly making his younger sister also take off her clothes. I don't think much more happened than that.) The parents seemed aware of what was going on and tried to cover for their son. I honestly don't think it harmed my DS other than he started making younger boys take off their clothes any chance he could get, which was embarrassing.

I stopped letting my kids go to their house but didn't talk to them about what had happened. They then began to spread rumors about our family that really hurt our standing in the neighborhood. I say this to let you know to tread carefully, OP. I am not a naturally confrontational person. I tried to handle the situation quietly. Simply no longer allowing my kids in their house was enough to turn them against us. Be careful how you handle this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I dont' think its normal either. My concern would be whether or not confronting the other mom will backfire on you. It sounds like there is a chance it could danger your friendship with her and her family. It's a tough situation, but it sounds like you need to decide whether its worth it to speak up.

If you decided you don't want to be the person to discuss this with the other mom, then I would definitely create some space between the boys. Limited, supervised playdates. Create rules where they are not allowed to be alone unsupervised.. and keep their time together short. If it were me, that's probably what I would do. It may seem passive aggressive, but it could become very uncomfortable and sour relationships, (possibly reputations if this other mom takes it personally and wants revenge).. sorry this happened..

What about the safety of the other boy? What if he is being abused and you didn't speak up?

[Anonymous]

Personally, if it were my kid, I would never let them play with this other family. If the mom asked me why, I'd say because your kid put his hand in my kid's butt and made him show his private parts. I don't care if some people call that normal play. That's disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I dont' think its normal either. My concern would be whether or not confronting the other mom will backfire on you. It sounds like there is a chance it could danger your friendship with her and her family. It's a tough situation, but it sounds like you need to decide whether its worth it to speak up.

If you decided you don't want to be the person to discuss this with the other mom, then I would definitely create some space between the boys. Limited, supervised playdates. Create rules where they are not allowed to be alone unsupervised.. and keep their time together short. If it were me, that's probably what I would do. It may seem passive aggressive, but it could become very uncomfortable and sour relationships, (possibly reputations if this other mom takes it personally and wants revenge).. sorry this happened..

What about the safety of the other boy? What if he is being abused and you didn't speak up?

Anonymous tip to his school? I just fear being the person that speaks up and calls the boys behavior to the surface will suffer somehow.. more than she already has. We have no idea what is causing this boy to behave this way. But his parents may very well be aware and covering for it already.. who knows. I agree something should be said, but tread lightly and be smart about it.. anonymous tip to school may be the way to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I played doctor with an opposite sex friend at that age. It seemed normal. The anus thing is the weird part. I don't think kids are usually interested in anal sex or sodomy. It's the gross thing for kids.

Do any of you have preschool boys? Our 3 boys are the worst combination of gross, uninhibited and curious at ages 1,3 and 5 respectively, and at one point were doing "sword fights" without swords in the tub while one kept score. Farting on each other is an expression of love, and so is calling out excitedly from the bathroom when they make a particular long poop, or one that is shaped like a letter (it's usually "S". Obviously). Naked wrestling matches are so much more fun than with clothes on for these 3.

With that being said, I do agree it's a completely different thing for an unrelated boy that doesn't share that level of closeness to do those things.

[Anonymous]

All of these "this seems normal, my kids look at each other's ding dongs" never seem to mention the kids STICKING THEIR HAND UP EACH OTHER'S BUTT.

Naked wrestling with your brothers, normal
having some kid trap you in a closet so he can kiss you and anally probe you, NOT NORMAL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thank you guys so much. I knew this wasn't normal, husband didn't think it was either, but I was scared maybe it was I and shouldn't worry mom with my overreaction.

First pp, I'm not sure if my son even said no to know if it was respected or not. And now I don't want to keep bringing it up to refresh it in his mind. :/

Do you think I should wait until her husband is home, which is a couple weeks, so as not to give her additional stress? I don't want to push her over the edge with worry, but I also feel like addressing it now might not make it seem like it's totally the worst thing in the world.

I don't think you need to wait. If it was my child, I'd want to know.

This! Please tell the other mother. We had a little girl come over to our house for a play date a few years ago, who talked my daughter into basically playing striptease while the other one filmed them on an iPad, something like girls gone wild. I was horrified when I saw it. We called the other mother. It turned out the girls older brother's friends had taught a 7 yr old how to do that, and one had been touching her. Who knows how much longer it would have been going on if we hadn't said anything. The other mother was very grateful.

[Anonymous]

Tell the mom and never hang out with them again. Completely drop them from your circle. If you must see the family then act distant. Don't get involved with their drama and issues. Keep your kid away.